I prayed for YOU

Just a quick update: I have been doing very very well since my last post, well up until Christmas, that is. For several days my blood sugar was PERFECT. I mean, I couldn't do any better if I had been cured by a miracle from God!! But then, I woke up on Christmas with a fever blister and a horrible cold. I suppose the traveling every single weekend for two months straight caught up to me... Since then, my blood sugars have been absolutely insane. I cannot get them down for anything!! It is quite frustrating, but I know that it is likely due to the cold still in my system :(
Oh well, I am fighting it and doing what I can to get over it and to get back to my wonderful blood sugars!

Christmas day itself was not bad. I really did better than I thought, although, it is always hard to guesstimate and keep track of carbs when there are so many yummy yummy things around. At one point, I stopped and prayed for all of you. For those who were celebrating Christmas, that you stayed strong, enjoyed your day, and stayed on track and for those who didn't celebrate Christmas, that you stayed strong, enjoyed YOUR day, and stayed on track. I thanked God for giving me one of the most wonderful gifts ever: all of YOU and knowing that I am never alone in this struggle. You are always in my prayers and I hope that you also know that you are never alone in your own journey!!

Irrational Fears... or Not??

Every now and then I go through a phase where I am totally consumed by fear. It doesn't happen very frequently, although maybe it should... I have always gotten out of my crisis mode by telling myself that they were just irrational fears, but I have recently come to the conclusion that they are absolutely not irrational; they are real and they should make me realize that at some point, I've got to stop.

I've got to stop giving up when I am scared, when I get frustrated, when I get angry that it is me dealing with this stupid disease, when I get too lazy to care, when I get so consumed by my weight and "how I look" that I sacrifice my health... where will I draw the line?

I have had diabetes for 18 years now, and for just about 18 years I have not been under good control. I am lucky to be alive, let alone still able to walk, see, etc. I do have some retinopathy and I am on ACE inhibitors, but I don't know if it was preventative or because I had some existing damage. The doctor never really explained it to me and I suppose I have convinced myself that if it was serious, he would have.

I think one thing that seriously overwhelms me is the thought that every single day makes a difference, which in turn means that every bad blood sugar also has an impact, right? Every single one. But I can't prevent every single High... it is impossible and somewhat out of my control unless I do nothing but focus on my diabetes, so I used to get completely overwhelmed and give up. I have recently come to the conclusion that giving up really isn't an option anymore. So what if I get frustrated and angry and upset and ask "why me"... I still have to push forward and get it done. There is no other option. It's the only choice I have...because at some point my fears won't be just something that scares me to death for my future, they will be a harsh reality that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I will only get so many chances and so many "warnings".

The fact is this: I have diabetes. I AM a diabetic. I have to use the tools that I have to control it, because that is what diabetics all over the world have to do. I am no exception.

My little crisis modes should have forced me to fight harder, not get scared and give up. I don't understand why I react that way. Giving up does not seem as though it would have been a logical option when I am afraid of the consequences of my neglect of my diabetes, but for 18 years it has been. I don't know what life has in store for me, but I know that all I can do today is to ensure that whatever damage has been done doesn't get worse. Thinking about the past 18 years won't change them, unfortunately, but every good decision from here on out counts, too, right?

So, lately I have been living in the fear of the rational possibilities of the harm I have caused, of MY own consequences of MY actions, and it hurts, but maybe it is exactly what I need.

Ahhh!! It's SNOWING!!!!

Ok, some of you might laugh... but I am a Louisiana girl, born and raised and the furthest north I have ever lived is Baton Rouge, which is where I am now and it is seriously snowing!!!

It's amazing and beautiful and oh so rare here in South Louisiana. The last time it snowed was over Christmas four years ago, and then before that I think it was around 1990!!!

So, of course, after I ate a few snowflakes, I had to make my little snowman and take TONS of pictures of my itty bitty courtyard, haha!! It was fun and just reminds me how wonderful God's little surprises are!!

On the diabetes front, things are so-so. My motivation is so low during the holidays. The sugary temptations and the fatty foods and the visiting with so many people always makes it hard for me and sometimes old habits try to pry their way into my life. I resist, but it sure is difficult.

But, today it has snowed in Baton Rouge and so I am having a little fun and thanking God for all the wonderful things in my life! =:~)

Happy Blogiversary To Me!!!

Well, today marks my one year blogiversary!! I can't believe how far I have come, although I still have a long way to go in my dedication to my health. I am in such a good place, though, and even though things in life are far from perfect, I am so incredibly happy.

Thank you for all of your support over the year and for listening through my struggles, my vents, and my random, off the wall and sometimes nonsense filled blogs that I don't even understand! You inspire me each and every day.

I am blessed beyond comprehension and I know that each day is a blessing. I am still taking things one moment at a time, but the good choices now far outway the bad and I thought I would never be at this place.

If I have one thing to share with others it is that you can do anything you put your mind to. It is all within YOUR control, but no one can do it for you. Stay strong, stay dedicated, and as long as you are moving in the right direction, regardless of the steps back that you take, you will make it. I am living proof!!

=;~)

Tragedies tie us all together.

Its amazing how when you open up the discussion about the tragedies in our lives, just about everyone has a story to tell. What brought this up was it has been a pretty sad week at work. This past weekend one of our Professors lost his son and three year old grandson in a house fire. Another Professor was diagnosed with lung cancer. She is just over 30, doesn't smoke, and just adopted her second baby from Russia. One of my co-workers' neighbors died from a massive heart attack after being diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago. And finally, another co-worker's uncle passed away last weekend.

We were just talking about how we deal with our own tragedies in our lives and our level of understanding when they happened. One co-worker's father passed away when he was 50, which of course was very traumatic for her, her mother and her family. My other co-worker's younger brother died around 3 years ago when he was struck by lightening. He was not holding anything with metal and the storm was still somewhat in the distance. And then my older brother passed away when I was 5, he was 8, from complications from leukemia.

All three of us have had to go through losing people who we love dearly. They wanted to know what level of understanding I had as a 5 year old. The man and little boy who died in the fire had a 5 year old daughter/sister who was also at the house when the fire took her father and brother. I remember odd things, but I rarely think about the details. I am not sure what I understood during that time, but I don't think I know exactly what happened. I still don't really.

I know Mark had leukemia, and a brain tumor, and that the pepto bismol the Dr. prescribed led to internal bleeding, which caused him to slip into a coma. But I could also have that all wrong...

I remember that my sister and I were staying at a family friend's house the day my parents told us and they drove us to our house. On the way we passed a field of yellow wildflowers. Mom and Dad were sitting on our outside swing, but I don't remember what they told us or what happened after that. I remember there were a lot of people at our house; I think even my Mom's family from Florida was already there.

At the funeral, I remember standing outside the building where Mark was, but I never remember being inside. I know my sister threw up in the parking lot, but again, other than that I don't remember anything.

I know that every early March (the anniversary of his death) and every early November (his birthday), I start to get emotional and many times don't know quite why until I stop and think about it. It's happened that way for years. My body won't let me forget, and I am ok with that.

What scares me most is that I know another tragedy will come my way and sometimes it completely pre-occupies my mind. What gives me comfort, though, is knowing that so many others have gone through personal tragedies and deal with the pain, but are ultimately ok and strong, like my Mom. I don't feel like I am strong enough, but I think in the face of tragedy you find strength in hidden places...

A force stronger than gravity...

Well, I changed my site, and just like Chris said... my blood sugar magically returned to normal immediately!! I had just convinced myself that couldn't be it, because I stayed within a 50 point range no matter what I took, how much or little I ate, or how many times I grrrr'ed like Karen!

I should have known, but sometimes my stubborness over powers me... it's like a force stronger than gravity...

...funny story about that :) ~ when I was little, probably around 10ish, maybe a little older, maybe a little younger, I wrote in my Santa letter that over the past year I had tried really hard to be nice to my little sister, but sometimes it was like "a force stronger than gravity" just MADE me be mean, hahaha! It is a running joke in our family... and it is kinda true ;)

Sometimes that is how my poor diabetes decisions are, too: I just have to eat that 6th donut hole, I just won't stop what I am doing to take a shot of insulin, I just won't stop what I am doing to eat when I am low, I just KNOW it isn't my site that is bad so I won't change it...

And just so you know, folks, the force of gravity is pretty strong and hard to break...

Back on the CGM!! So what's wrong now???

Well folks, I did it!!! I got back on the CGM!! Yay!! I got back on about a week ago and things had been pretty wonderful for a while... but now?? I cannot for the life of me get my blood sugar below 200. It just stays between 200 and about 250 all day for the past two or three days. No matter what I eat, no matter how much I bolus, it won't go down!!! I just keep taking insulin, but to no avail!! It is so frustrating!!

Tonight I am going to change out my site to see if that will help, but I know I am getting SOME insulin, because it hasn't gone above around 300 (don't worry, I am checking my blood sugar and not only relying on the CGM). Ugh!

Just one of those weeks...

I'm in LOVE!!!

The cutest little video ever!! I want one of these sweet little babies!! Turn up the volume so you can hear this!

Geaux Tigers!! :)

Step by Step

I just wanted to give an update on how things were going. I am taking things slow so as not to put too much pressure on myself. I feel like "doing well" is like a fad diet. You get all crazy and into it and then inevitably can't keep it up and give up. That is the cycle I seem to follow. The goal is to increase those gung ho days and decrease the sloppy ones.

I am checking my blood sugar more, which of course ALWAYS helps me to stay on track, but I am not going crazy with it. I check when I get up, for lunch, maybe one additional time in the afternoon, then for supper and bed. I suppose all in all, that is pretty good. The problem, I think, at least one of the many problems ;) is that I have a pretty obsessive personality. When I do well, I go CRAZY about it. I check like every two hours and eat only "good" foods and when my blood sugar is not what it "should" be based on what I have done, I get frustrated and angry. I take it too far...

That is why I am just taking it slow. Eating ok, making sure my blood sugars aren't completely out of whack, but not obsessing about it and trying to maintain my sanity about it. It is actually working. My blood sugars have been pretty great and I have remained calm!

One of the other many problems is that I am somewhat of a control freak, as well. An obsessive control freak... great! So when I do everything right and the numbers are still wrong, it is so easy to just say to heck with it all. I can't do it. I give up.

But I can't give up forever, so I need to just figure out what works best for me. I have to train myself to let the "bad ones" go and move on and I think I am getting better about it. It is impossible to maintain good control at every moment, so I have to stop thinking about it at every moment. I need to worry about it when I check, cover what I eat, and go on with my day. I CANNOT obsess about it. I've gotta learn to let it go.

I'm working on it. Step by step...

P.S. ~ Patti, and everyone else, thank you!! I'd be lying if I didn't say that you all keep ME going... knowing you are there is more powerful than you could ever know.

Today's Goal:

Get back on that darn CGMS!!!

No, I have not yet done it, and I need to. It is the only thing that ensures I will do what I need... unless I want to be buzzed at and beeped at for hours upon hours. Ugh.

Why is this so hard??

Fallen off the Wagon...

Well, as some of you may have guessed by my absence, I haven't been the best about my diabetes care lately. Honestly, I think it all stemmed with my latest A1C. I think it was in August. It wasn't as horrible as it used to be, but it was about .2 higher than my last, and I had been trying SO hard to do well and keep things under control, but it didn't work. I feel like the goal of getting that number under 7 is impossible. I struggle too much on a daily basis to regularly do well. I mean, I can do well for weeks and weeks, and then for a few days I just stop. I don't check my blood sugar and I eat whatever I want, when I want, without bolusing accordingly.

How do I change that?? When I am motivated, I am so motivated. But when I struggle, I throw it ALL out of the window. I have recently decided that I am what I like to call "passionate" and I am very much a person of extremes. I also think I am very logical, but I have an obsessive personality and I over analyze just about everything. When I am happy, I am very happy and I take in the little things in life, but when I am mad, I get very angry, although it doesn't last very long. When I do well, I am perfect...maybe too perfect to sustain, and when I do poorly, I let everything go. I am obsessive in the sense that when I am doing well, in regards to blood sugar, dieting or exercise, I think about it constantly and don't give myself any slack. I can't stand it when my blood sugar is off for what seems to be no reason at all because it doesn't make sense. I don't like things that I can't control!! I am sure many of you share many of those same frustrations...

Why can't I find a happy medium in all of this. Why can't I do well without fearing that at any second my blood sugar will rise for no reason and I will lose all control over it. Why can't I accept the fact that I will NEVER be perfect in regards to my diabetes...or I guess anything else! I don't like to lose control over things; it scares me.

I am not going to return to deliberately making my blood sugar high, but I don't even want to be in a place where I can just "give up" when the going gets tough. I want to be in that place where there are no excuses and you just do as well as you can and just keep fighting. But how do I get there without feeling overwhelmed and frustrated? Does the frustration ever go away??

The last time I put my sensor in, I must admit, I did a lot better. I didn't let the information overload overwhelm me like I had in the past. I let it guide me and instead of checking my blood sugar 15 times per day, I just let myself trust that the sensor was doing its job and only checked when I needed to. I think if I just keep my sensor in and treating it as a tool to help guide me instead of something that I need to constantly be on top of and to keep checking to make sure my blood sugar is perfect at every second, I will do ok...

I suppose that is my plan. I am just ready to be alright with all of this and accept it for what it is, but I don't feel like this is ever even possible... I'll try to do better checking in on here. I know that always keeps me motivated :~)

How the Story Ends...

My final post on DiabetesSisters.org's diabulemia column:

http://www.diabetessisters.org/Hot-Topic-Diabulimia/

The Need to Be Prepared

I learned a few diabetes related lessons with everything that happened for Gustav. Brad and I had planned to go to Texas for Labor Day, but the decision to actually go was not easy. We had no idea what that huge hurricane in the Gulf was going to do, or where it was going to go. We risked being stranded on the interstate for hours, not being able to return home for work or who the heck knows what would have happened. So, the Saturday before Gustav hit, we reluctantly decided to head out.

I decided to bring all of my diabetes related supplies, just in case the electricity in our house went out. I didn't want all of my medical supplies to bake in the potential over 100 heat. So, we very quickly packed up our things and headed out the door. Thank goodness I included all of those supplies!!! We were stranded in Houston until Friday. There was no electricity anywhere in Baton Rouge and there was a 6pm - 6am curfew, so there was no need to rush home to be in the heat; although, we desperately wanted to see what happened to our house.

Finally we decided it was time to go. My family in Houma needed help cleaning up their mess once they were allowed back into the city on Friday, so we headed to the house to check things out. Other than no electricity and a stinking fridge, everything was fine. We then headed straight to Houma to help my parents.

We live in a house that is over 100 years old and surrounded by 19 huge majestic live oaks. The branches down were certainly a sight to see!! The house was fine, thankfully, but the yard was like a jungle! Houma took a direct hit from Gustav and so the city was basically deserted. Like I said, people were not even allowed in until Friday and then they were requested to do a "Look and Leave", although most people didn't heed that advice. Nothing was open in the city. Not one business. No gas stations, no pharmacy, no grocery stores, no hospitals, no medical clinics. The only place to get stuff was the FEMA dropoffs for water and ice.

My next lesson learned was to always keep something on you for a low. After cleaning up the yard a bit, we headed to check out my dad's office. Well that is when I started to feel low. A bit panicked, I tried to see if I had anything in my purse. Nope. I knew my dad had candy and goodies at his office, but I just hoped I could make it there. Of course we did, and it ended up being fine, but I couldn't help but think about what if I got too low before we arrived. NOTHING was open. There was no where to stop; there was no hospital to take me to. Nothing. I must admit I felt a little panicked at the thought, but realistically I knew we would make it to the office in time.

I am sure there were other lessons, but in the craziness of it all I was mainly just trying to keep my sanity and go with the flow. Oh, and I even celebrated my big 18 year D-Day during those few crazy weeks. 18 years. Wow. I really didn't think I'd still be here. :)

Home Sweet Houma and Baton Rouge

Hi all,

Well, it seems Gustav made a pretty big hit on Houma, where I grew up. Many of you likely saw the church I got married in one month shy of a year ago on the news, with the roof blowing off of the Activity Center and school. I am glad to say that according to a close family friend who drive by, my parents house looks ok. Just a lot of branches down, which is to be expected with 12 large, very old oak trees. It is a huge relief. My parents will not be able to leave my Uncle's house in Thibodaux until Friday, due to a strict curfew set for Terrebonne Parish. Houma seems to be badly wind blown and damaged, but the community there has always come together in the face of disaster and I know they will just pick themselves up and carry on with their lives. For Hurricane Rita, when a lot of the coastal areas flooded, no one heard or saw the destruction, but they didn't need to. Everyone came together, dealt with their loss, and moved on, closer and stronger than ever. It's how it's done in South Louisiana. We are so very thankful that the damage is not worse, as it could have easily been.

Baton Rouge also seems to be very badly damaged. My husband and I had planned to come to Houston for Labor Day weekend, and we reluctantly carried on with our plan. We are thankful that we did now. Who knows what damage was done to our home, but I am sure if anything it was minimal, not more than a broken window, if that. Electricity will likely be out for a few days, so we do not yet know when we will venture home, but we are aiming for later tonight. One nearby Parish said that they will be out of electricity for 4 - 6 weeks!! I just couldn't imagine!

It was so difficult to just watch and pray while I sat comfortably in front of the TV. Of course, you can't really even get the coverage that you want from this far away. It isn't like getting the hard facts from a local channel. The national stations seem to embelish and complain about things that didn't happen. They seem to be visibly upset when the worst didn't strike and excited as they were holding out hope that at any minute destruction would finally come to light. It was disturbing to say the least. Now I hear them complaining that the levees in New Orleans in fact didn't break..."but what would it have taken for them to have cracked??" Who cares. They didn't. It worked. Why are we trying to make a story out of what could have happened if Gustav was a little stronger? Why can't we just focus on the positive?? There is more to our state than New Orleans and what "could have been". Living here, we are all so thankful that things worked out. Governor Jindal did an amazing job and things went the way they should have, yet you will still likely hear a lot of complaints. It makes me so sad.

For once I want to see a story on the majority of people hit by any destructive Hurricane who join together and work hard, rebuild, and carry on instead of the few who are upset that the "government isn't there for them". But you don't hear from those folks because they don't feel the need to advertise their situation. They are strong and hard working, and don't have time to deal with the press. They have work to do.

I guess that is kind of how diabetes is. You can't just sit there and let what will happen happen, as your body deteriorates. You have to take action to help yourself be well. You have to work hard to check your blood sugar and take your insulin and count those carbs. You don't have time to say, oh poor me, look what I have been dealt. You just do it, move on, and become stronger. That's all you can do!

Diabetes is NOT a Death Sentence

My newest post on DiabetesSisters.org: HERE

Thank you all for making my transition to a Born Again Diabetic so much easier than I ever thought possible! I owe my success to the support of my many new friends in the Diabetes OC!!

The Lowest Point

Newest column post on DiabetesSisters.org about my experiences and struggles with diabulimia: HERE

Oh what a journey this has been. Honestly, I thought going back "there" would have been a lot more difficult, but I understand that those struggles have made me who I am, and for that, I am thankful. I understand people who have reached the bottom and hopefully I can offer them some sense of support and hope.

Reflections...

Writing my Diabulimia Column for DiabetesSisters has been hard. It's scary to go back to that place where I was so long ago...but it wasn't really that long ago at all. I wasn't in the depths of it all when I started this journey, but I was certainly not out of it. Looking back on how far I have come is exciting, though. I feel so much hope for my future and that is something that I never ever felt before. I didn't think I had a future and so I certainly didn't waste my time dwelling on it. But that was when I never knew how good life could be. I am truly at that top of the world right now, and I am not just waiting on the day I trip and fall back down to the bottom. It's an amazing feeling.

I have come to realize that I have the power and control to do whatever I want in my life. I am more confident in who I am, more sure of who I want to become, and more excited to see how it all plays out than ever before...and I have the most amazing husband to make that journey with me. I am in love with life right now, and it is great. It is still a little scary sometimes, but I feel ok with that. Looking back at how far I have come has made me realize that nothing can hold me back...unless I let it.

We all hold our futures within our grasps, we just have to take the reins.

Confession of Sins

My Diabulimia Column, Post #2 on Diabetessisters.org.

Next Endo Checkup

My next endo appointment is one week from yesterday. I am so nervous!!! While I have been doing exceptionally well over the past several months, I still fear that dreadful number. When my CGM is in, things are perfect, but then I take it out for a week, or most recently for the past several, and I slack off a bit. I hope my slacking over the past several weeks doesn't bring my A1C up dramatically. I am back on the CGM now, but I am still so scared to get my report card. At least in school you had some idea of what your grades would be...sometimes I feel like an A1c is a total crap shoot.

Sigh.

My Story on DiabetesSisters.org

Well, I suppose I am "going there" and getting the whole story out about my struggles with my diabetes and diabulemia. It's scary and liberating at the same time!

If you're interested, check it out on DiabetesSister's website: http://www.diabetessisters.org/index.php?/content/blogcategory/39/107/

"Diabetes is Weird!"

Hahaha...this statement couldn't be more true!!! See what Donna, our Type 2 DiabetesSisters blogger has to say about it: Diabetes is Weird. Sometimes it just makes no sense at all!!!

Read the other blogs under BLOG CENTRAL, too. They are full of more women's experiences with diabetes...the kind that always makes me go, "ME TOO, ME TOO!!"

Hope you are all having a happy Tuesday! ...is it really only Tuesday...???

Ugh...one day without my CGMS

Took out my CGMS yesterday and I get my first high in a week. Figures...blood sugar is 368.

Looking back on being "born again"

You know, that CGMS sure can be a pain when I have it on... I have to be careful not to pull it, bump it, tug it... I have to keep my pump within range of it and my tubing from looping around it... But those days that I don't wear it I sure miss the ease of just looking down to make sure I am on track.

I know it isn't always accurate, but I am not convinced my meter is all that accurate either. It's the trends I care about. I just feel kind of off and worried when I don't have it on because I don't know what my blood sugar is (around). It is amazing how I am so reliant on it now. Never in my life did I think I could be so focused on my blood sugar. I went from not checking one time for years to becoming worried and stressed if I don't know what it is at every minute of the day. How did that happen??

I must say, I feel good. I feel happy. I feel ALIVE! Last year at this time I was still too weak because of my constant Highs to climb stairs, take a shower, go on vacation or do things with friends. Laughing exhausted me. Smiling for long periods of time drained me. Half of the time I didn't argue with people because I didn't have the energy, certainly not because I didn't have an opinion. I was just there, existing but never really LIVING.

My life has changed in so many ways and not one of them is bad. Not only can I walk up a flight of stairs, but I can hike up mountains. I can dance at every commercial with music without the fear of getting faint; I can laugh for hours and I can smile for days...and I DO. I certainly have the energy to argue my point (poor Brad ;)) and I feel like my options in life are endless.

I feel like I am not only a Born Again Diabetic, but I am Born Again. I have a new life, new hopes, new dreams. The world doesn't scare me like it used to. I can dream about being a Mom without curling into a ball and crying because I know now that it IS possible. I can dream about my children growing up and I can even dream about having grandchildren one day. I feel like I have a life ahead of me, instead of constantly fearing a life of misery and complications.

Let me be honest, I am realistic about my future and I have done some horrible things to my body. For the first time in over 15 years my A1C is under 9 or 10 and I know it has crept up to around 15 and stayed there for at least several years when I was at my lowest point and when I had completely surrendered to my diabulemia, so complications are not out of the realm of possibility, but I am ok with that now. I know I don't have to let that fear debilitate me and I won't. YOU have all shown me what I can do and who I can be. I have proof right here everyday and I am reminded always that we are in control of our lives. I also have a husband who encourages me every day just by being there. We are a team and I feel like I have to keep going because if I fail, I am failing him and our future family. We get to make our own choices, good or bad, and we have to live with the consequences of that. I am prepared to do that.

I can only live for today and tomorrow and I can't change my past. I can only improve the chances for my future and hopefully help others to see that they also have a future ahead of them, they just have to take the opportunity to grab it and hold on tight!

Great Weekend!

Hi folks,

Everything on the diabetes front is going smoothly (famous last words, eh??). I took a break from my CGMS, as I now do and got back on it Thursday. Since then, things have been wonderful. I still have some insulin basals to work out, but I am recording and keeping track so that the doctor can help me out with it.

I did reduce my morning insulin, though. I was waking at 5 am every morning with a little buzz from my pump telling me to eat. When I say 5 am, I do not mean 4:45 or 5:15, I mean 5, on the dot. Can we say pattern? Patterns are good though; it give me something to work with :)

Virginia was amazing. We had a great time and it was so much fun!! Blood sugars remained relatively stable, which was nice.

I am even making improvement with putting in new sites for my pump. I used to have to make a really loud sqealing noise to do it, but not anymore!! I am sure the neighbors, and my dog, are relieved ;) Although, the CGMS site is a lot different. Until this last one, I had never put one in without it bleeding...one time leading to me to get a little weak in the knees. You'd think I'd be used to it, right? The bleeding would then lead to it not sticking on very well...which is so annoying!! Even when I put the big clear sticky thing over it, it comes off when I exercise or shower, leaving a sticky mess behind. It is more trouble than its worth, which I think is one reason I wait until I put a new CGMS in. (I mean other than the fear of inserting it and the constant focus on my blood sugar 24/7). The minimed one isn't designed very user friendly. The transmitter just dangles off like a loose peice of plastic and it gets tangled in my pump tubing, my clothes and anything else around, and it jiggles when I exercise. Such a pain!! I am open to tips on how to deal with this, though. It makes me so uncomfortable knowing it is hanging on my a loose, tiny peice of sticky tape that is wearing down quickly!!

Well, this last one didn't bleed at all, which has made me happy all week! It is sticking much better and I have really had no issues with it yet, including the fear of losing all of the blood in my body after inserting it (can we say unrealistic fears, here??).

Anyway, I just wanted to check in, say hello, and let you know I am still here, going strong. Brad and I have even started working out at least 2 or 3 days per week!! We took last week off, but are going back today. Things are going very well and I couldn't be more relieved :)

Well, my body is definitely adjusted!!

Ugh, I had a high blood sugar yesterday (yep, trying on clothes and forgot to reattach the pump). I didn't check, because, well, I still have the fear of seeing that HIGH number on my meter...and knowing that there is proof it existed. And having to explain it to my doctor when I turn it in to them and getting the disapproving look.

Well, it couldn't have been high for more than 3 hours or so, based on the time I detached to the time I felt so ill I thought I was going to throw up. I mean, I felt bad. Deathly ill. How on earth did I live with a blood sugar consistently over 400??? How could I do it. I couldn't manage 2 or 3 hours of it that high without feeling unable to move!!!

So, I am glad to say that my body is adjusted to a good blood sugar level and I am so happy about that. It can now warn me when I am high and low, and that is just fantastic. I must be doing something right :)

In other news, my husband and I leave for Virginia on Thursday to spend the 4th with Brad's family. It should be a fantastic time and I am so excited. But, it will be my first big vacation since getting things under control, so I am afraid I am going to forget something...although, I am pretty much an over packer, so forgetting something seems unlikely ;)

Hope you all have an amazing Fourth of July as well!!! I am so blessed to be in a country where I can get test strips, insulin, a pump and a CGMS to make sure I have the best care possible. Some things are slow in coming, but the struggle isn't nearly what it is for others.

God Bless America!! :)

Wanderings of a Hypoglycemic Mind Revealed

I know I left a teaser in my last post, but really, it isn’t anything profound. Here is how I think my hypoglycemic brain was linking my “cure” to the events that happened on that day. Remember, we bought a new car. Well, cars take money.

Ahhh, money. Sometimes I wonder how on earth everyone without diabetes could not have millions of dollars to spare. I mean, we survive even with spending large amounts of money on diabetes: supplies, healthy food, gym membership, all that doggone food I have to eat when I am low… but, I digress, a tad.

I have always saved my money. It’s what I do. I save it in case I need it. I save it in case one day that magic cure does pop up. A cure will certainly not come free. Just look how long it took for insurance companies to approve test strips…TEST STRIPS!! One of the most vital parts of our diabetes care is to actually know what our blood sugar is and we cannot do that without those ridiculously expensive little plastic pieces that somehow mysteriously end up all over my house, my car, my office, in my bed…I even found one on the kitchen of my sisters new house that I had only visited once like 3 weeks prior! And now we have the CGMS, which are also so absolutely and amazingly beneficial to our care. These things will end up saving so much money on treating actual complications that could result from NOT having them!!

So my entire life (ok, since I was 9, but it feels like my entire life) I have saved for every birthday, every Christmas, every graduation. People would just laugh when I would tell them I don’t spend my “gift” money. It isn’t for me to spend on clothes or spa days or fun. I am waiting for my cure or, to be honest, treat any complications that arise. I don’t have the luxury of living pay check to pay check. If for some reason I lost my insurance or needed some type of medical care related to my diabetes that was not covered, I want to know that I will be ok. My savings to me is my lifeline. When people say “you only live once” I can only think, “well, I am no worse off not having a new shirt or new jewelry. I do live. I live life to its fullest and I treasure all of those little moments and I allow them to take my breath away. But, you’re right, you do only live once and I want to make sure I live the longest life I can, so when they find that cure that I have been promised since I was diagnosed at 9, I want to be first in line, money in hand.”

Well, we used some more of that money for the car. Heck, it is a necessity and we needed it and we got a GREAT deal. I don’t regret the purchase at all. But parting with money that I have worked so hard to save, with hope that I WILL spend it one day on something that will save all of our lives, is hard. So I think that when my blood sugar was so perfect, even with no insulin on board, at the same moment I was signing that check, it was just weird. And my mind goes crazy places when it is low and groggy and stressed, and so that is what I was thinking all night, as I waited for my blood sugar to creep back up to sanity.

I'd say I'm cured, but then there's that 260 this morning...

Yesterday was a weird and crazy day...in more ways than one. Soo...Brad and I bought a new car. Wow. Never in my life did I ever think we would be the owners of a brand new vehicle. But we are. We got a great deal. A steal, really. We got a 2008 Mazda Tribute. Just the basics, no fluff...but I have so much fluff in my diabetes life right now, simple is just perfect! Brad's car was about to fall apart...and I am pretty sure I mean that literally. So, car shopping we went and landed this deal.

Well, in all of the chaos of the day, that included negotiating with dealers, discussions with my husband, and the plain fear of entering into another huge financial commitment, I forgot to change my insulin cartridge before leaving the house and it ran out at about 12:30. Well, luckily I had my back up insulin pen in my desk and took what I needed for lunch, but that was it. I had no basals at all. I was worried. I just knew I was going to be high for the rest of the afternoon, which also meant grumpy.

Well, around 4ish, I started feeling jittery. I thought that I could be low, but instead of checking my blood sugar I just took a few sips of some real coke and passed it off as nerves. I should have been checking anyway since I needed to keep a close eye on my numbers to make sure they didn't go high, but well, I didn't.

So I headed home to take care of some things at 4:30. Well...my husband called as I turned into our carport and said to meet him at the dealership (which by the way, is what I wanted to do initially anyway and I was furious that I now had to drive back through 5 o'clock traffic to meet him after he convinced ME it was best to go home...) So in my fit of anger I just turned right around...forgetting all about my insulin.

I could only imagine what stress, anger, and having absolutely no insulin in my system was doing to my blood sugar, but I decided to just go on with the plan and go to the dealership to at least look at the Tribute. We liked it, we wanted it, we sat down to talk. And talk we did...forever!

I started getting jittery again at about 7:30. I knew I just had to check to see where I stood, terrified I would see a ginormous number on the little screen. 64. What?!?! I checked again. 62. I mean, I know I hadn't eaten, but I am getting NO basals, and already had some coke. I had no insulin since 12:30. And the stress alone should have spiked it. I drank an entire Dr. Pepper and was 140. Now I was really scared about it spiking with nothing to bring it down.

Got home at around 9 with our new black beauty, and ate a sandwich without taking any insulin. At 10 pm it was 174. That is when I finally changed my insulin cartridge. I swore I was cured. I just knew it. I had to be!! I went to bed happy...although dreams about getting an extra $200 off the car kept me restless. Oh joy!

At 5 am I woke up sweaty and my mind was racing...I needed sugar, and fast. I had honey next to my bed and took a few big gulps (ugh, so gross!). My husband woke up and asked me to check my blood sugar (such a great guy!!). It was 44. After all of that and it was still 44. Maybe my body was just so happy to be cured it was producing insulin overtime! That is nice, but it needed to stop. Brad got me some juice and I finally settled down.

Well, at 9 it was 260. I am not cured. But I am happy to have a new vehicle and to be back on my sensor. Good enough for now! Why do I feel like this is double deja vu? I think I may have been cured before =:~)

And I'll elaborate further on the link between a new car and a cure that I came up during my 5 a.m. low next time...oh how the sleepy hypoglycemic mind rambles.

Just Keep On Keeping On

Not much to report on this end. I am taking it easy and just doing what needs to be done. It's been good. I haven't been overly obsessed with my diabetes and things have been running smoothly. I should probably check a tad more, but when I do check, it is all generally good.

I do have a little bit of very exciting news to report, though. Yesterday, when I went to workout, my blood sugar didn't go low!! How awesome is that?!? I ate and didn't take anything. Before exercise it was around 230. I then checked about halfway through and it was 177. I took my pump out then (since I forgot to when I started) and then checked about 15 minutes later and it was 122. Perfect! I figured I should stop before I dropped it too much, since I figured it was still falling a tad. I actually forgot to put my pump back in and when I checked it about an hour or so later, it was 180. Success!! It was a huge relief to have finally DONE IT!

The day before, I had started out similarly. Started at around 260, took out my pump, exercised and then within one minute on the same meter got blood sugars of 450, 350 and 400. I am not so sure about the accuracy of my UltraLink, but I figured I could at least trust that my blood sugar was HIGH. I am sure this will happen again, as well as lows, but there just isn't much I can really really do about it except keep working and tweaking and playing with my body and how it reacts to things.

Hey, no one can say my life isn't exciting and full of puzzles!! I always did love a good mystery ;)

I've Figured It Out!

Well, the good news is that everything that I was going through, the ups, the downs, and the highs and the lows are apparently all just plain normal. I've come to realize that even though my blood sugar may not be perfect 100% of the time does not mean that I am doing something wrong. It means I correct the blood sugar and move on. That's it. I don't need to judge myself or my effort or feel as though this is impossible. Sometimes, the impossible is ok. It's just how it is.

The bad news is that everyone out there gets just as frustrated as I do, and I am certainly sorry for that. It sucks. It is so scary to be managing an impossible thing (I don't like the word disease) that has so much control over your health and your life and your well being and your entire future. But, all we can do is what we can do.

I got frustrated with it all. I took out my sensor and I tried to just give up. But I can't do that now. Giving up for me is just another impossibility in my life. It used to be so easy, but now I honestly just cannot do it. Each time the thought crosses my mind, I see a little baby somewhere and know that I can't. Every time I try to just not care, I see a picture of my husband and mself and know that it just isn't going to work.

I think taking out the sensor was a good thing. Having the sensor in gave me a new meaning to diabetes 24/7. It was too much. I think I just need to use them in phases. Do my 6 days and then take a few days off, for my sanity's sake! It was a good thing to have it. I really absolutely love it, but having some freedom from my diabetes is good too.

We may not have a cure for diabetes in the sense that it all just goes away, but all I can do is utilize the amazing things that we DO have to make sure that my body stays healthy. I need to just suck it up and do it. Stop thinking the negative thoughts all the time and just know that I just have to do it. I have no argument against that. None of the negative thinking and judgmental thoughts or getting frustrated about my weight helps or works or does any good at all, so why waste my precious time dealing with it. There is no point. (although, I know this is easier said than done. My constant negative internal dialogue has been running for 20 years now, I don't expect it to stop immediately, but it is a goal I tend to work toward!)

I am going to try my best to just change the way I think about things. When I get frustrated, I am just going to tell myself that it is ok to not be perfect. I am not perfect, but it is within my own power to do the things I want, to accomplish the goals that I have for myself and to be who I want to be. Life doesn't happen to us. We are in charge of our own destiny. Things may certainly go wrong and there will always be hard times in life and in diabetes, but the way we respond to those things is within our own control and all we can do is strive to make the right decisions. We've just got to do the best that we can.

Thanks for all of your comments and support that has helped me to come to this realization. I know I am not the only one who gets frustrated, and it is nice to feel like a normal person with diabetes. It has honestly been a long time!

What is the deal, here?

Ok, after having tremendous lows over the past week or so, I now cannot seem to be able to get my blood sugar under 200. Well, except when it randomly shoots extremely low and then shoots way back up again. This morning I woke with a 39 after being high ALL day yesterday, and then two hours later was almost to 300 and it is still lingering around 180ish (I know, not horrible, but why isn't my insulin working!!). I have changed nothing about my diet or my insulin. All I did was add in a little exercise.

I am so frustrated and am not having a very good diabetes week. The first 4 or 5 days on my CGMS, I was overjoyed and excited. I would flatline at around 100 and stay there just about all day. Now this week, I flatline around 200 and cannot get it down for anything.

Now that I am actually paying attention to my diabetes, I am realizing how truly confusing and complicated it all is. I hope I can keep this up for, for, well forever. Ugh.

Diabetes Just Plain Sucks!

I know, I know...we all know this. I suppose that since the time I became "born again" I have tried to stay very optimistic, although I am sure it hasn't always seemed that way...but internally, I have.

I guess I hit a lull yesterday. I am trying to get back on track exercising, but what is really the point?? I eat well all day and then attempt to exercise and my bloodsugar drops so low that I have to eat a hamburgers worth of calories just to get it back to a level where I can actually function. I am still playing with how exercise, food and everything else works in my body, but it is SO frustrating! I feel like I should know this since I have had diabetes for 17 years, but I have to keep reminding myself of that big 15 year break that I took...

For example: Yesterday I woke up at 40-something, had a low around 4ish and then for supper I was 178 and I ate and took no insulin for supper and then went to exercise: 52, then 42...AND I woke up low again this morning. I think I had about 3 juices (400 calories) , 8 glucose tabs (120 calories), 7 hard candies (140 calories) and a banana (100 calories) to equal a whopping 760 extra calories!! Ugh, now that is depressing.

I think my body is really finally adjusting to having really great blood sugars and so I need to adjust my basals to make sure I don't get all of these lows, but then I am afraid I will get the highs. And to me, the highs are worse! I absolutely love my CGMS, although it has really really brought out the perfectionist in me, as I kind of knew that it would. So when I see that blood sugar creaping up, I react to it, even when maybe I should just let it all stabilize on its own. I would rather have lows than highs, because well, we are aiming for a LOWER A1c, right?? (of course yesterday I didn't have my CGMS connected because my 6 days was up and well, I was delaying having to inject that ginormous needle into my stomach). If you give me numbers and goals, I just go crazy with them and try to make sure it happens, especially now that I can pretty much keep track of where my blood sugar is all day long.

I just became overwhelmed after we got back from the gym because it seems like I try so hard to do the right thing and it just doesn't work out. I know the low didn't help my attitude, but it was my first real "diabetes just plain sucks" funk. Goodness, it really really does. To have to monitor and track everything you eat all day long, as well as every bit of activity you do, as well as stress, the weather and the changes of the moon just for plain survival can become a pretty daunting task, if I do say so myself! It is overwhelming and not so fun. But you all know that one...

Also, as I told you earlier, I got my CareLink USB to download my info...well, I don't think the software works with Vista. Talk about disappointing!!! I tried to download it like 6 times AFTER I knew it wouldnt' work, haha! I thought it might eventually just feel sorry for me and decide it would work just for me. So far that hasn't worked, though...

Today I am back on the CGMS, and my blood sugar has gone from 52 this morning, to almost 300 and hopefully it is on its way back down now...however slowly as it may be traveling... I'll just have to make sure that I eat more before working out so I don't have to eat so much AFTER!

It is a work in progress, but isn't it always...

Day 3 on the CGMS

Ok, I must admit, I really like it. My problem has not been lows, but has been highs, and even when the CGMS is off (which it sometimes is) I know which direction my BS is headed in, which is really really cool.

I am going to admit though, that my favorite part of this thing is the cool patterns...well, much to my absolute surprise (and delight) my pattern for most of yesterday was a straight line around the 100 mark!! How COOL is that?!?! I didn't know that was possible!! I mean, I didn't have many carbs, so there wasn't much to fluctuate it, but I honestly think that one of my biggest problems with my control has been that I am so unsure of what I am doing! I know, I know, sometimes it feels like none of us really know what we are doing, but that has really been a big obstacle for me. Some of my internal questions have been:

If I eat, is it getting really really high and then going back down or am I really doing the right thing??

At night, is it stable, or all over the place, how can I really know for sure?

What happens after I eat that gob of sugar for my low? Does it go up to where it is supposed to and stay, or is it really high and then comes back down?

Do I really need to change my sites every 3 days? I mean, does it really make a difference in my blood sugar?

and the list goes on. But now I KNOW what happens, and I must say I am doing a pretty good job! I know that this will definitely help to keep me on track and do what I need to do! Yay for technology, even ones that include seemingly really long needles! =:~)

Also, I have been very excited to get my carelink USB so that I can download everything and SEE it! How cool. So, it came yesterday!! Whoo hooo!!! I was so pumped...well, except for the fact that our cable was randomly out and I didnt' have internet access to download the software! Ugh!! I have been very impatient today waiting to go home to do it! Then I can show you how my numbers are! yay!!

Oh, and please send out a warm welcome to Brad (my fantastic husband) who commented on my last blog and who I hope will contribute constantly and help to keep me in line. =:~)

Officially CGMing AND "sighting my toosh"!!!

Ok, so I accomplished two HUGE goals yesterday!! One, I got hooked up to my CGMS, and two, I put a site in my toosh!! Yay!

CGMS
Ok, I am so excited! As of right now, after 13 hours on my Minimed CGMS, I love it! Last night at 5:30, the trainer from MiniMed came over to my house to get me set up. Ms. MiniMedwas extremely nice and very helpful! I even learned a few more pump tricks! After going through all of the details on how it works and how I have to set up, we got started with putting the sensor in.

I am not going to lie, I had been looking at that big long huge needle since she arrived...ok, since before that and I was pretty terrified of sticking it into my stomach fat. Memories of my first time using my QuickSerter came flying back, except this needle is twice as long and seems to be twice as thick!! Oh the pressure was on...I just didn't think I could do it.

I loaded it up into the trigger thing and was all ready, or was I?? No way was I going to push that little white button that would result in this huge thing flying into my stomach that resembled nothing other than jumping off a fence and landing on a nail!! Ok, ok. I held it in place, made the very loud groaning noise that has become a necessity for each site change and click. Once again, not so bad!

But, I did bleed and I think the words "a lot" came out of Ms. MiniMed's mouth...eek! Why do I feel like I am going to be completely drained of all of my blood if I bleed anywhere other than my finger tips?? Is it just me? But it was fine and it stopped bleeding and everything is working fantastically.

Sure, it isn't completely accurate, but I don't think it has been off by more than around 40 points yet, so that is pretty good for me. Although, I haven't eaten a huge meal quite yet. Oh, and have I mentioned that the charts are totally cool!! So I am very excited to have my new little addition!! I know it will help me to stay on track, too, which is extremely important!

New Site Spot
While Ms. MiniMed was there, I mentioned that I ONLY put my sites in my tummy. Well, apparently that was taken as a challenge for me to explore new options!!! So, for the very first time in my life, I have a site in my toosh...and yep, I am converted!!! No more white circles all over my stomach and no more in the way sites!! Yay!!

So, all in all, yesterday was a very good day! My birthday weekend (now week??) was better than I ever thought it would be!

Update, funny story, and I am nervous!!

Ok, I know it has been a week since I blogged, which is kind of a long time for this blabber mouth!! I am doing ok...I haven't been checking nearly as regularly as before my doc's appointment. I don't know what it is, but I hope to figure it out soon.

I had a fantastic birthday weekend. My husband was away on a guys trip, although he did surprise me with a pedicure and massage on Friday afternoon!! I honestly had no idea he could be that sneaky! It was completely delightful! But I was kind of feeling sorry for myself about spending my weekend alone UNTIL my Daddy called me on Saturday and asked me to drive to my hometown (about an hour and a half away) for dinner and then fishing and crabbing Sunday morning! I HAD to accept!! Since before law school it has been rare that I have been able to spend some good quality time with my family, especially my good ole' Pops. It was so much fun and I really really enjoyed my birthday!! Yay!

I think I am just not checking because I don't want to think about it all. That is usually what happens. I'll be ok; I am still somewhat staying on track and I know that tonight will change all of that when I get my CGMS!! I am so scared. I don't know how I feel about it.

First, the needle thing looks REALLY long, which just terrifies me!! Second, I know sometimes they just beep and go off a lot at first. I am sure this is going to happen since I am not sure about my basals and my boluses. The most important thing will be for me to remember to write down exactly everything that I eat and any exercise I do. That way we CAN figure it all out.

I just don't feel quite ready for this huge step. I guess I am just afraid I will fail. But, just like my pump breaking...sometimes I just need to be thrown into things to get started. I hope this is exactly what I need to get motivated again, and I am certainly sure that it is...I am just scared.

and I am sorry...I can't remember the funny story I was going to share...I'll post later if it comes to me!!

Getting my CGMS! Finally!

Well folks, tomorrow seems to be the day that I finally get to get hooked up to my CGMS! I have a Minimed rep coming tomorrow after work to get it all set up. I will admit, I am SOO nervous. I haven't even figured out whether my basals and my insulin to carb ratios are correct, yet... Although, I suppose this will definitely help me to figure it all out.

I'll tell you how it goes tomorrow

=:~)

Update and Funny Story

Well, I am doing better today. This weekend was hard, but I made it... It is just one of many many hard weekends, so making it through the first is definitely good.

I am determined to stay on track, and I will. I have been through hard times before and I know that this WILL make me stronger.

One funny thing that happened before we left: My husband somehow poked himself in the thumb with a fork while doing dishes (yes, he is amazing!). Of course my first reactions was "oh, do you want to check your blood sugar!?!"

Why is it that if a finger is bleeding, it must be used to check one's blood sugar?? Haha! He did, it was 87...I was jealous.

Our crazy diabetes obsessed minds; but, it can't be any other way, can it? I don't mind so much...

Hope you are all well and of course, thank you for being the amazing support that you are!

Moment of Weakness...

I don't know why I consider it a moment of weakness when I actually admit to my faults, but I do. I'll first admit that summer is a huge trigger for me. Since I have revealed my true struggles with my diabetes control, I haven't been back to that topic. But it's late, and I'm actually a little scared and I am very exhausted due to lack of sleep, so what the heck. Revealing my true feelings is what this blog is all about, right? Well I revealed my truth here and I haven't been back since.

I suppose I should just admit that I am struggling, big time. I need to admit that I put a space in diabulemia so that my blog wouldn't show up if searched and I tried everything to hide my identity from what I really am, but what is the point. I am doing no good to myself or any other if I just hide. The truth will set you free, right? Well, I am not really looking for help, although, I have certainly found it anyway...but my true purpose in all of this was to hopefully help others who may be going through the same thing. I want them to know that they deserve so much more than the life that I have put myself through.

I recently had my a1c tested. 8.4, which is a HUGE accomplishment for me... It is the first time since the year after I was diagnosed that it has been that low. That was 16 years ago!!!! My diabulemia started early. I was quick in figuring it all out. Like I have previously said, I don't know how or why I did it, and I don't know how to prevent it in others, but I was a ten year old extremely thin girl, who paid attention to all of the "eating disorder" movies shown to me to "warn me of the dangers". Although, I aimed to learn, not prevent. I took in everything I could and then soon figured out my own "quick fix". I don't know why it happened and I don't know how I could have prevented it. It was easy then. I was diagnosed at 9, and even though I was likely still underweight, I began to think I was fat at age 10. Looking at pictures just terrifies me. How could I think that my underweight prepubescent body was so fat?!?!?! I was "too smart for her own good" as one doctor said... I would call it foolish, stupid, and in desperate need of help, but no body understood it all then.

I guess that isn't the issue I am writing about now, but I want to go back so that others understand that I have no advice to offer. I don't know that anything could have saved me. There were no warning signs...I made sure of it. My ultimate goal in life is to prevent this pain in others, but I don't even know how.

Today I am concerned because this is my first summer "well". Summer and "well" just don't fit in the same sentence. Heck, I haven't tried to maintain my control since I was diagnosed. I don't know how. I never expected this journey to even as easy as it has been, The support I have received has been unbeleivable, and I certainly didn't expect it when I started my journey. But, I received it nonetheless and it has kept me strong. I should have known that at some point I would grow weak and begin to really struggle, I just thought it would have been a lot sooner than this. I am so thankful that it wasn't.

I am still coming to grips that there is an actual term for what I struggle with...diabulemia. I will admit that diabulemia is the extent of it...there was no pre-existing eating disorder, and I can't starve myself or force myself to throwup for the life of me. Diabetes is the only way I attempt to act it all out.

My triggers are holidays, family gatherings, reunions with people I haven't seen in a while, summer, the beach, and now, both my parents and my husband's parents have a pool, even that is enough to send me spiraling out of control... My newest trigger is the family pool and seeing just about everyone on one side of the family that I haven't seen since I dedicated myself to being well. I have gained 15 pounds, if not more, since I have seen this side of the family. It will be very noticable...although likely more to me than anyone else, but does that really matter. I am the one struggling, so if I notice, it is as if the entire world is staring at me. It is all hitting me at once...before it was gradual, but nothing fits me now, and I refuse to buy new clothes because this weight HAS to come off. I won't make it if it doesn't.

I suppose this summer will be a true test of my dedication to my health, but when I know that people talk so much about weight, and when I received so many compliments from "looking so great at my wedding" and now to gaining 20 pounds on my pretty small 5'2 frame, it is hard. No one except me knows WHY I gained the weight, and I feel the need to explain...except I can't tell them why I was so uncontrolled to begin with...

So, I guess I am going through my first very VERY difficult struggle as a recovering diabulimic who is desperately trying to regain some control in her life. I know I have to fight it, but I am taking every opportunity to not. I will admit, it has been a long time since I have checked my blood sugar, probably three days or so...

I am so afraid to have let everyone down, but I am proud for admitting it. I am sure as soon as I post this, I will take all the required insulin to get right back on track...it is what I know I need to do. and knowing that you all know, makes me feel as though I have no other choice.

I knew this first true struggle was coming, and I am glad that I can at least admit to it, so that I can then move on... i am so scared, but survival it #1 at the moment, well, right behind preparing my body for little babies... That is enough to motivate me to do anything!!

Thanks for being there. If honesty is key, then you are the lock that needs the key to open it.

How Weird Am I?

I must really be hitting the big time in the world of blogging! I was tagged with my first meme, haha!! Thanks Jillian (P.S. - You constantly amaze me)!!

Ok, here are the rules: After you are tagged, you write a blog about 10 strange, odd and unknown facts, habits or goals about yourself. After you are done, you pick 6 new people to tag and list their names, why you tagged them, and then leave a message for them saying that you have tagged them and they need to read your blog! You can't tag the person who tagged you, that would be cheating! But let that person know that you have posted your blog so that they can read all of your fun little tidbits!

1) I dissect my food. For example: pizza. First I eat the toppings, then the cheese, and then try to eat the sauce off. Next I peel the dough from the crust. I eat the crust first, unless I am full and then I will just throw it away. Then I eat my yummy gooey dough. Delicious!

2) I save my favorites for last...I discussed this in my Memories from my diagnosis post, as well. But yes, this is why the dough of the pizza is saved for last!

3) I LOVE to sing and dance. I have been laughed at because I will sing and dance to the radio in stores, come up with dance moves in the car and even sing and dance to commercials! It makes me extremely happy to crank up the music in my car and just sing my heart out...it is also fun while cleaning. I just can't help it! It is a power stronger than myself.

4) I spent three years in law school, passed the bar, and was sworn in as an attorney and have absolutely no desire to ever practice law, and I won't. I am an attorney in name only. I believe that being happy is so much more important than being stuck doing something that you don't love, regardless of the pay. Follow your heart and you will never be steered in the wrong direction. You may encounter bumps in the road, but there are bumps in EVERY road. =:~)

5) I chew on the insides of my cheeks. It started when I was nervous, but now it has become much more consistent; I think it became a true habit rather than a nervous habit during law school...since my nerves were constantly frayed! I've done it since I was little. I remember dance recitals where my Mom would tell me that the whole time I danced my mouth was contorted into a strange face with my lips pushed to one side as I chewed. I do it to this day...the inside of my mouth was completely raw for the bar exam!!

6) I play out random and bizarre scenarios in my head constantly. I am always acting out a made-up conversation or rehearsing a resolution to something that is bothering me. My husband says that I would be awesome in a courtroom, especially for direct examination of witnesses, because my arguments are always logical and I can always "get him", but that is because by the time I actually get to the REAL discussion, I have played it out a million times and perfected it. If he says something I wasn't prepared for then my brain turns to mush and I can't comprehend anything.

7) I am extremely logical and analyze everything and everyone. There is a logical explanation for everything (well except what causes Type 1 diabetes and cancer, of course). BUT I also think that people should listen to their hearts more. There is a constant battle between what logically makes sense and what makes sense inside. It is all about balance but the heart should always win.

8) I love to people watch and to get to know new people. People are the way they are for a reason and I love to analyze all of the possibilities. I used to work in a psych ward and it is just so interesting to see how different people react to the same thing. Schitzophrenia and multiple personalities amaze me because they are so illogical. Our brains are so amazing.

9) I love algebra. Finding x just makes me beyond happy. It is so much FUN!!! I also love balancing my checkbook...well, when I used a checkbook!

10) I hate naps. I wake up grumpy, groggy and confused. It is not a good thing...

Ok, that was really hard...probably because I am too logical and tried to analyze things too much. I'll throw another one in for fun, but only because you have all more than likely already realized this: I am VERY long winded!! haha!! An explanation has to come with everything =:~)

I tag: I forgot to add WHY!! Ooops!

Rachel - Because I think she is an amazing woman and I love to read about her story...I may be going through the same journey as she is someday and just knowing she is there makes me feel stronger.

Bethany - Because I think we resemble each other in so so many ways and it is so comforting to know that she understands. I am eager to find out about those little oddities about her that make her uniquely Bethany!

Brandy - Because she has created an amazing place for women with diabetes to go and talk about those things that affect only us as women. It is another place where I can let my insecurities go and feel completely welcomed. I know that she works SO hard, but I'd love to find out more about the person behind the action.

Laura - Because she has Type 1 diabetes and is pregnant with her THIRD baby!! I want to find out what makes this amazing woman tick...and well, I hope to BE her one day!

Windy - Because she has amazing advice about diabetes, being domestic AND being a diva!! I LOVE it!!

Kathryn - Because I am enthralled by her cooking, her gardening, and about learning more about her. She seems to be on the adventure of a lifetime and knows how to ensure that her life is full of the important things!

Yay!! Enjoy! =:~)

Headed in the Right Direction!!

Well, the doc just called with my A1C results. Let me just remind you that my last A1C in December of 2007 was 11.1, which was a little down from a year before at 11.3, which was way down than the past few years, when I didn't even get them tested and when I did were swimming around 15% and above.

So, now, in May of 2008, my A1c dropped nearly 3 points to 8.4%

I am proud. I still have a lot of work to do and it isn't nearly good enough, but I lowered it 3 POINTS and I know I still have so much work to do and some changes to make with my basals and my ratios, I just need a good CDE who will actually work with me.

I am encouraged, SO encouraged. I went from being terrified to take my insulin for fear of gaining weight, to just making the change and sucking it up and I am doing so much better. The weight frustrates me, and I do get down about it a LOT, but I am fighting it, and it looks like I am winning!! Yay!

Hopefully next time I can get it down another 3 points...ok, that might be pushing it, but at least another 2!!

I am living proof, that we can do anything we put our minds to. There was a time not that long ago where I would have sworn I had no life ahead of me, no future. I thought I was doomed to a life of illness, pain, and complications. Soon after I joined the Diabetes OC, someone told me that "Diabetes is not a death sentence" and they were so right. It is so far from it. It is manageable and it can be dealt with. It is just another part of LIFE, not death.

ANYONE can do this, you can change their life around and be well. Don't suffer through feeling sick and scared and alone. TOGETHER we can all fight this!! I am here to help if you need it! this.is.my.sos@gmail.com - just send me a note and we can make it together!

Memories from my Diagnosis

Wow. I recently read a post about sugar free jolly ranchers. The memories of my diagnosis came flooding back. It is so amazing how sometimes things come full circle.

I was 9 and my little sister was 7. It must have been a special occasion because Mom let us pick out a special treat for ourselves. You see, even before I knew what diabetes was or that it even existed my Mom made us eat very healthy. Treats were just that: treats. We were already on a diet of fresh fruit and lots of veggies. Sugary cereals were not even allowed within a mile of our house (we didn't tell her about the neighbors!).

I chose Jolly Ranchers. Green is my favorite. Not apple, not lime...green. It still is. I love to eat green goodies. I have no idea why. It isn't my favorite color, but is the color I choose when going for a sugary snack. Well, this bag of Jolly Ranchers only had one green. Let me also tell you that I save my favorites for last...a lesson my husband quickly learned when he would go to nibble on MY food after he was done with his own. If it is still on my plate it means DO NOT touch it because I am saving it for last! I do it with everything; I deliberately and carefully divide what I am eating into my favorites and my not so favorites and then eat them accordingly. So what if I am only left with the green jelly beans at the end, I prefer my favorites over variety.

So I saved my green jolly rancher. We could eat one a day after we ate our supper. I kept a close eye on it and as it got closer and closer to the end of the bag, my excitement grew. It was going to be soooo yummy and boy was I going to savor it!

Little did I know that a few jolly ranchers short of getting to taste that tempting green morsel of goodness I would be diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes and sugar in any form, amount or color would be an absolute no-no.

So what happened to it? My little sister got to eat my green jolly rancher, while I sat there and watched tearfully. Life was NOT fair and to me it was the end of the world...

...but it wasn't, and here we are. Not only can I eat as many "real" green Jolly Ranchers as my heart desires, but now there is an apparently pretty good sugar free variety as well, that will likely wreak much less havoc on my blood sugars, and my temptations!

Oh so low, then high in the sky!!

Ok, so here is the story that I teased you about yesterday:

At around 7:15 pm last night I decided to go for a little run with Bella. I checked my blood sugar and it was 162. Awesome! Good to go.

So Bella and I take off in the neighborhood. I left my pump on because I wasn't really sure about what to do when exercising with my pump and when I asked my EX-CDE she wouldn't really discuss it with me. I ran a bit at first but then Bella wouldn't really keep up, which is rather odd. She LOVES her walk/runs. I don't know if it was her new pinch collar that we use for training or whether she could sense something was not right, or whether she was just being a royal pain...but toward the end, we were barely walking she was being so difficult. Thank goodness...

I really didn't even feel like I was low until I turned onto the street that our house is on, but I was like 7 or 8 blocks away. That is when I realized that I really wasn't recognizing the houses around me, or the street signs and it was as if I was in a fog. I had already noticed that my shirt was pretty much soaked...but I was running...in South Louisiana.

I just tried to focus on the getting home. Even then I tried to tell myself I couldn't be low...I was just tired, and frustrated at my darn dog who was just stumbling along beside me. It was such a strange feeling, trying to hold on to reality...to even determine what WAS reality. Maybe that big bag that Bella was barking at like a mad dog really was some evil person peering at us slyly...and maybe the light in front of my house that was glowing like a globe was really just some little alien waiting for us to approach. It was as if I was dreaming some fanciful fairytale. I still don't remember the houses or the street names and I don't really know HOW I made it home, but I did.

7:55 pm - 31 YIKES! And that was after I finished my first juice. So I had another juice and 8 glucose tablets, which usually give me a horrible sugar headache and make me cringe but for some reason at that moment in time those orange powdery sugar tabs tasted about as good as a fantastic chocolate cake, with cherries, homemade vanilla ice cream AND whipped cream. I ended up eating about 60 carbs in all.

8:05 - 57
8:15 - 55
8:30 - 81
9:30 - 83
10:00 - 118, ate 15 grams of carbs and only bolused for half of that, giving .8 instead of 1.5 units

Whoo, good to go. Seems like I did everything right, WITHOUT going crazy with the food. I didn't even pull out the delicious buttercream frosting...I stuck to the basics, juice and glucose tabs.

Oh, but no...that would make way too much sense, wouldn't it!

4:00 am - I woke up feeling a tad nauseous and sluggish. I needed to use the restroom so I figured I might as well check my blood sugar, just to see what it was...and heck, I still love seeing my blood sugar just magically show up on my pump when I use my new UltraLink - 402 WHAT?!??

How in the world did that happen? I mean, two hours after correcting my low I was still only 118. Everything I had was fast acting and so should have already affected my blood sugar within the two hours that I ate it. Even if I didn't take enough for my snack before bed, it was only an extra 8 carbs that went unaccounted for, certainly not enough to raise my blood sugar 400 points. Am I missing something?? Maybe I was sleeping on my site or tubing wrong?? Or maybe I did just miscalculate?? Ugh. I should have just binged on something fantastic like my buttercream frosting...

Ahhh, Relief!

Well, I had my endo appointment this morning and all went well!! It is such an amazing relief! The doc is going to get me set up with a Minimed rep in the area to get situated on the pump, and he can help me figure some things out. I am so relieved to have my big mess over with and to hopefully have someone who understands (he has diabetes, too!)!!! I can't wait to get started!

I also can't wait to see what my A1c is going to be! I am trying not to get too excited so that I am not disappointed. It likely will not be perfect, but it HAS to be down from 11.1...it just HAS to! You'll be the first to know when I get the results!

Thank you all for being so supportive of me. It really does mean more than you could ever know!

I also had a very bad low last night and woke up at 4am with an enormous high, but I will save that one for tomorrow!

Why do I continue to get myself into a mess!

Well, it wasn't horribly messy, but why do I push the limits? Here's the story.

I was running low on strips and was waiting for my appointment tomorrow to get a prescription. Yes, that's right, I have been out of the loop for so long that I didn't even know you could get a prescription for test strips! Why I didn't just call the office to have them call in a prescription, who knows. I am a visual person and have never liked talking on the phone very much and I have always prefered speaking to someone in person rather than on the phone, so that is likely it.

I continued my day yesterday checking more than I usually do, for no reason at all other than I was curious. I thought I would have enough test strips to last me through yesterday and then this morning and I would pick some up today if I had to. Well, for whatever reason, last night my blood sugar dropped very low. It was 39 when I checked, with my last strip.

That left me with no test strips to make sure my blood sugar had risen sufficiently, but not too high. I will admit, I did the right thing and Brad (thanks honey-bun!) brought me to the pharmacy to buy more last night. I knew I had to because I needed to know the damage I had caused by eating gobs of delicious buttercream frosting!

It ended up all being fine and my blood sugar was good, but why do I even put myself in that predicament?? I am just asking for trouble!!

Calibrate My Meter? Do what??

Ok, I have heard about calibrating meters, but as many of you know, I didn't really reap the enormous benefits of actually using a meter for at least the last 6 or 7 years, if not more. But now that I am 'back on track' I am trying to do everything right.

So, I got my new UltraMini and my new UltraLink. The meter I had been using was an UltraSmart. I checked my blood sugar on both the Link and Mini, using the same drop of blood and there was a 25 point difference!!! I didn't use the Smart, though. The UltraLink was lower than the UltraMini. Isn't that a pretty HUGE difference? I mean, having a 55 v. a 80 is kind of a big deal, isn't it?!?

Help! I don't know what to do or how to know which one is actually more reliable. Any tips, suggestions, or diabetes lessons for a girl who has seemingly forgotten all that it means to have diabetes??

True Test of Success

Well, I have my endo appointment on Thursday! I am not going to lie, I am nervous!! I feel like my A1c result will be the true test of how well I have really been doing. It HAS to be down from the 11.1 it was in December, but I just don't know how low it will go. I have been testing regularly and taking my insulin like I should, so it should reflect in my A1c.

I am not going to lie, though, this week and last were not good. I just haven't been checking like I should and I have forgotten to bolus a few times and of all the weeks to do it I choose right before my appointment! :( I think I have just been frustrated lately and feeling as though I just don't want to deal with it all; honestly, the lack of support from my CDE hasn't helped, but I am in control of my own actions.

Also, when I get nervous, for the past ten years or so I have dealt with that by not taking good care of myself so I can kind of "zone" out, so my learned behavior has been to just do that, without even really thinking about it, so I am trying to fight that and remember to take extra care to do everything I need to stay healthy.

I am nervous about my test results, but also about talking to my endo about my CDE experiences. I am horrible at confrontation because I really hate making people feel bad, but this just has to be done, for all of her patients' sake. I guess maybe I am just internally blaming my diabetes for even making me have to deal with all of this and therefore am retaliating by slacking off. Or maybe I am just reading too much into it all...

I'll be sure to take my "brave big girl" pill Thursday morning and report how it goes!

DiabetesSisters.org

I just wanted to remind you about diabetessisters.org!! You HAVE to check it out and join the sisterhood! I am actually the Blog Manager for the site and it is FULL of amazing women who all come together for support and encouragement. Read the blogs and ask questions of the bloggers and our new CDE.

Also sign up for access to the forums. It has been so great to be able to "speak" with other women with diabetes in the forums and ask them questions and hear their stories!! Don't forget to introduce yourself in the forum as well.

If you ever have any questions or concerns about the site or if you want to help out, please email me at Suzanne@diabetessisters.org and we will address it!

Have fun and I will see you there!!

Oh my Goodness, Oh my Goodness!

As many of you now know, Minimed has sent out their new One Touch UltraLink meters for their pumps! Well, I had the one prior to this and it is SOOO awesome...I mean come on, I check my blood sugar and the number shows up on my pump, how cool is that!!

I received the note in the mail on Tuesday saying they had been shipped and it came with a coupon for a free One Touch meter. I already have and use their UltraSmart, so I decided to get the UltraMini for those times when a cute little clutch would be appropriate...I was pumped. I love new diabetes gadgets, as many of you do as well. So yesterday I went out and bought my new little UltraMini (in green!). THEN, when I got home, guess what was waiting for me by my door...

Yep, that's right, my new UltraLink!! It is so cool! When I first got my new pump and when I still had strips for the last one that wirelessly connected to my pump I think I checked my blood sugar, umm...12 times that first day!! I know, money down the drain, but come on...that is some cool stuff!!

I am so excited. I would have NEVER thought that checking my blood sugar could actually be fun!! I must be losing my mind! =:~)

What Now?!?!

I made a personal decision to not write about my negative CDE experiences again. I HATE being negative and it is so important to see one!! BUT...

She called: I sent her my blood sugar log on Friday, as we discussed at our last meeting. Had my entire sheet filled in, the one SHE needs, complete with notes, etc. Well she called me yesterday, Tuesday. First thing out of her mouth, "I got your log, you know, when you send it to me on Friday I don't have time to discuss it with the doctor so you really need to make sure you get it in by Thursday..." Again, I am being reprimanded for doing exactly what she told me to do. I really can't win.

Then, she went on to tell me "we can't do anything to help you until your life settles down." Huh? My life is pretty settled: Work, home. Work, home. Work, home. And most of my b/s were really good, and I really don't think I needed much done with my rates, etc. What I came to realize is that she was focused on ONE DAY ONLY. Thursday. The day I got sworn in as an attorney in New Orleans, which I made note of to explain my crazy b/s that day. She proceeded to ask me if when I celebrate, do I do it big...basically asking whether I got sloppy drunk, haha! Well, I was spending the day with my family walking around the fabulous French Quarter (if you haven't been, you NEED TO), so I don't think acting like a fool would have been appropriate...

Then came the quiz: "Do you know how to drink alcohol with diabetes??" "Do you eat when you drink??" "Do you follow the rules?" Ugh, here we go again. I couldn't hold it in, so I just said, "Well, I was diagnosed when I was 9, so I wasn't exactly drinking then." What part of "I haven't seen a CDE regularly for the past 10 years" does she not understand??? I know that alcohol lowers blood sugar, but when I started drinking my blood sugar was so high all the time I had no chance of getting low... And I didn't even drink on the day she was referring to, especially considering I had work the next day!

Again, I am here to get on track, to learn the rules, so that I can follow them. Sure, I may seem stupid that I don't know exactly what all of these little rules are, but it isn't like it comes naturally. And does she, someone who is supposed to teach people what to do for good control, have to make me feel stupid every single time we speak?? If you don't use it, you lose it, right. Well I have lost all that information, and she is going to make me lose my mind! I told her from the beginning I needed to start fresh, and ever since then she has treated me like a non-compliant (again, I hate that word!!) diabetic who just refuses to do what I am told...

She has sarcastically asked me in the past whether she was "getting through to me", well apparently I am not getting through to her!! I had already made up my mind that I am not going to see her again, but it still gets to me. I mean, every time I talk to her I feel discouraged and as though I CAN'T do this. Even when I am trying my hardest, and I AM, I just am not doing good enough apparently. So what's the point. Why try?? The people who are supposed to be there to support me and guide me obviously don't think I am doing a good enough job and just criticize me. Honestly, yesterday after she called was the closest I came to feeling as though I just wanted to give up. I won't, but I was just so frustrated that I can see how far I have come and how well I am doing, but it just isn't good enough. Will it ever be good enough??

Honestly, I just don't get it. I don't know what I did wrong or what I did to her to make her feel like I am just wasting her time...and that is exactly how she comes across to me: That I am just a waste of her time because I will just never get it right...

I will let you know how it goes next week when I tell the doc that I no longer want to see her...I think if I keep thinking about it I am just going to end up even more discouraged than I am now. The last thing I need right now is to start the tears rolling, because I don't think they will stop if I do.

What I love.

Yay!! This is my very first meme!! I found it on Kelly's blog: Diabetesaliciousness.

This is just the thing I needed, too! I hate writing negative things, like my bad experience with my CDE, because that is just life. Nothing is perfect in life and that is perfectly alright. We learn from our experiences, and I definitely believe that makes us stronger and it shapes who we are. So...I wanted something HAPPY to write about and found this!!

The rules are simple. Make a list of your loves. BUT you can’t include a single person on your list. You can't say that "I love my husband's eyes” or “I love the way my sister sings.” It’ll be tough! But this meme is to figure out what YOU love and what makes YOU happy and that should not be defined by other people. If you were the only person on earth, what things would still make you happy?

Here we go!

I love dressing up and getting all gussied up.

I love dressing down and hanging out in my p.j.'s.

I love going out for a night on the town.

I love staying in and cuddling up on my couch for a relaxing night at home.

I love buying myself fresh flowers. Just seeing them around the house makes me cheery and happy.

I love Margaritas and I now love a wine I just discovered: Gnarly Head. I didn't think I liked red wine until I tried their Old Vine Zin and now I am part of the "cool wine drinkers club".

I love finding new things that I love, like my new wine. When you think you have found everything there is, poof, something new shows up!

I love dancing to the 80's...and to the radio, and when I'm out, and at weddings, and in the shower, and in the car, and even to TV commercials.

I love sappy old love songs.

I love sappy romantic movies.

I love hosting parties at my home.

I love wild flowers. Each one is a little gift from God.

I love bold colors, but bold yellow is my absolute favorite.

I love new leaves in the Spring.

I love listening to music from 80's and 90's. Give me REO Speedwagon, Celine Dion, old Mariah Carey and Michael Bolton and I will show you one happy girl!

I love Banana Runts.

I love cute papertowels, and it takes me forever to find just the right roll!

I love Andes Mints.

I love Snail Mail.

I love Laffy Taffy jokes.

I love Surprises. Especially just those little things that simply say "hey, I've been thinking about you".

I love Dark Chocolate Kisses, especially the ones with mint!

I love to read a good book.

I love piano music.

I love driving around and seeing new things, or just looking at old houses or going to neighborhoods I have never been in. Maybe it is because I didn't grow up in a neighborhood, but each one seems like it is its own little secret place, with different styles, different people, different secret places for kids to hide out in.

I love pizza the next day heated up in a toaster oven where the crust is really crunchy but the stuff on top is really gooey.

I love when the red light turns green right when you approach it.

I love seeing butterflies busily doing what probably to them just seems like work.

I love when the little email notifier pops up saying that I have a new email.

Wow, I really could probably go on all day!! How fun is it to think of all the things that make me happy! I just love the little things in life and there are oh so many!!

Now it is your turn!! If you have a blog, make your own list, but remember, leave out all those people that you love in your life and make it all about YOU! If you don't have a blog, just reflect on those things. It is amazing how uplifting it is and it makes me remember all of those things that I am grateful for, and goodness there is just so much!