Saturday, May 17, 2008

Moment of Weakness...

I don't know why I consider it a moment of weakness when I actually admit to my faults, but I do. I'll first admit that summer is a huge trigger for me. Since I have revealed my true struggles with my diabetes control, I haven't been back to that topic. But it's late, and I'm actually a little scared and I am very exhausted due to lack of sleep, so what the heck. Revealing my true feelings is what this blog is all about, right? Well I revealed my truth here and I haven't been back since.

I suppose I should just admit that I am struggling, big time. I need to admit that I put a space in diabulemia so that my blog wouldn't show up if searched and I tried everything to hide my identity from what I really am, but what is the point. I am doing no good to myself or any other if I just hide. The truth will set you free, right? Well, I am not really looking for help, although, I have certainly found it anyway...but my true purpose in all of this was to hopefully help others who may be going through the same thing. I want them to know that they deserve so much more than the life that I have put myself through.

I recently had my a1c tested. 8.4, which is a HUGE accomplishment for me... It is the first time since the year after I was diagnosed that it has been that low. That was 16 years ago!!!! My diabulemia started early. I was quick in figuring it all out. Like I have previously said, I don't know how or why I did it, and I don't know how to prevent it in others, but I was a ten year old extremely thin girl, who paid attention to all of the "eating disorder" movies shown to me to "warn me of the dangers". Although, I aimed to learn, not prevent. I took in everything I could and then soon figured out my own "quick fix". I don't know why it happened and I don't know how I could have prevented it. It was easy then. I was diagnosed at 9, and even though I was likely still underweight, I began to think I was fat at age 10. Looking at pictures just terrifies me. How could I think that my underweight prepubescent body was so fat?!?!?! I was "too smart for her own good" as one doctor said... I would call it foolish, stupid, and in desperate need of help, but no body understood it all then.

I guess that isn't the issue I am writing about now, but I want to go back so that others understand that I have no advice to offer. I don't know that anything could have saved me. There were no warning signs...I made sure of it. My ultimate goal in life is to prevent this pain in others, but I don't even know how.

Today I am concerned because this is my first summer "well". Summer and "well" just don't fit in the same sentence. Heck, I haven't tried to maintain my control since I was diagnosed. I don't know how. I never expected this journey to even as easy as it has been, The support I have received has been unbeleivable, and I certainly didn't expect it when I started my journey. But, I received it nonetheless and it has kept me strong. I should have known that at some point I would grow weak and begin to really struggle, I just thought it would have been a lot sooner than this. I am so thankful that it wasn't.

I am still coming to grips that there is an actual term for what I struggle with...diabulemia. I will admit that diabulemia is the extent of it...there was no pre-existing eating disorder, and I can't starve myself or force myself to throwup for the life of me. Diabetes is the only way I attempt to act it all out.

My triggers are holidays, family gatherings, reunions with people I haven't seen in a while, summer, the beach, and now, both my parents and my husband's parents have a pool, even that is enough to send me spiraling out of control... My newest trigger is the family pool and seeing just about everyone on one side of the family that I haven't seen since I dedicated myself to being well. I have gained 15 pounds, if not more, since I have seen this side of the family. It will be very noticable...although likely more to me than anyone else, but does that really matter. I am the one struggling, so if I notice, it is as if the entire world is staring at me. It is all hitting me at once...before it was gradual, but nothing fits me now, and I refuse to buy new clothes because this weight HAS to come off. I won't make it if it doesn't.

I suppose this summer will be a true test of my dedication to my health, but when I know that people talk so much about weight, and when I received so many compliments from "looking so great at my wedding" and now to gaining 20 pounds on my pretty small 5'2 frame, it is hard. No one except me knows WHY I gained the weight, and I feel the need to explain...except I can't tell them why I was so uncontrolled to begin with...

So, I guess I am going through my first very VERY difficult struggle as a recovering diabulimic who is desperately trying to regain some control in her life. I know I have to fight it, but I am taking every opportunity to not. I will admit, it has been a long time since I have checked my blood sugar, probably three days or so...

I am so afraid to have let everyone down, but I am proud for admitting it. I am sure as soon as I post this, I will take all the required insulin to get right back on is what I know I need to do. and knowing that you all know, makes me feel as though I have no other choice.

I knew this first true struggle was coming, and I am glad that I can at least admit to it, so that I can then move on... i am so scared, but survival it #1 at the moment, well, right behind preparing my body for little babies... That is enough to motivate me to do anything!!

Thanks for being there. If honesty is key, then you are the lock that needs the key to open it.


Karen said...

You hang in there - you can make it through the summer and you will be okay. You are stronger than you realize. I know it's hard, you've been doing things one way for so long and the trigger of summer is tough - but you sound determined to make it. And you are so brave and strong to be talking about your fears so openly. Take it one day at a time, and do the best you can. You don't have to be perfect, just try to do a little better each day. Maybe as a first step, just go test your blood sugar right now, and then give yourself a huge pat on the back for testing and taking the first step. {{hugs}}

Nancy said...

YOU are the inspiration! Your courage to write about your struggles, fears, and triumphs is truly hard. But rest assured that you will get through and heal! Keep up the strong work!

Katie I. said...

Suzanne, you have made a huge step and proven yourself super strong just by acknowledging your struggle with this in writing. Writing it out and owning up to it is a huge achievement. Karen is right-- you are stronger than what you give yourself credit for. Take it one day at a time and remember that tomorrow is a new day. If you mess up a little, just acknowledge it and move on and get back on the wagon. We are all cheering for you!!