Friday, January 30, 2009

Is this the one that will change my life?

Every three months (or so...), like a good little diabetic, I wake up, put my brave face on and tramp right on over to my endo's office. I sit and wait without trying to fidget too much and maintain a look of calmness and confidence. I go through the routine, tell him about my blood sugars, let him check my feet, and all the usuals, and then I ask him my questions, and leave. I go down to get my blood drawn and urine tested, and head out for the day.

Then I wait. I wait to find out whether this will be the call that changes my life forever. The one where all of those complications I have been warned about my entire life are starting to show their ugly face...or in the case of my eyes, show up again.

The doc usually calls me and misses, so I generally have to call him back, trying to emotionally prepare myself for what is to come. Did his voice in my inbox sound optimistic, disappointed, concerned? Or maybe he is just tired after a long day?

Not only is going to my 3 month check up like getting my report card, but it is also the time I find out whether I will still be able to live my life like a normal, healthy person with diabetes, or whether the complications are starting to take over, changing my world forever. One call, that's all it takes, isn't it?

This might sound somewhat morbid, but after having diabetes for 18 years, isn't that somewhat of a reality? My A1c has never been in the 7 or 8s...for 18 years it is has been flying high around 10 or above. And let me be clear, I don't obsess over it. It is just an awareness that I have. I always try to be prepared for the worst, and I don't want to be surprised, so I always know that this could potentially be the call.

Well, I had my appointment today and he called at 5, I missed it. So, I am going to live this weekend like it might be my last without the reality of severe complications, and try to stop analyzing how his voice might have sounded...