Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Common Mistake When I am Low

I suppose it is because of the way that a low can make me feel sluggish or tired, especially when I am already asleep, but I often make the mistake of just unplugging my pump when my blood sugar is low and I am sleeping...only to wake up hours later wondering why I need to use the restroom and I have a sweet taste in my mouth!

Then I remember that I was way too lazy to get out of bed to drink juice and I just unplugged. I do this ALL the TIME! It's stupid, and I know I am not going to stay awake long enough to re-plug before I fall asleep again...but I still think that I will, for some odd strange reason.

If I am sleeping, I just do not want to take the time to wake myself up completely, disturb my dog who is peacefully sleeping in her "nest" between my legs, and gulp a juice before falling back to sleep. It still puzzles me to this day why when it happens, I still follow the same stupid behavior, even though in my fully awake and perfect blood sugar state of mind, I know it is so wrong! WHY!?!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

New Info on Islet Transplantation

Everytime I see a new article on Islet Transplantation, I feel this hushed excitement but always just tell myself... "surely not in MY lifetime and in MY life, right?" It seems like just this thing I was always promised and always dreamed of and I admit, I even used it as my crutch as to why I didn't really have to care...because I will one day be cured.

Well, now I know that I can't rely on that crutch as an excuse to NOT care for myself because it may never come for me... but if it does, I sure will be excited!!

The JDRF just sent me this article: News in Islet Transplantation.

The thing that at first discouraged me, and then confused me was the very first sentence: Islet transplantation can be an important therapeutic option for adults with unstable type 1 diabetes-individuals who, despite their best efforts, have wide, unpredictable fluctuations in blood sugar levels.

My first reaction was, well darn!! I know that with close control I can generally keep my blood sugar right where I want it. Sure, it takes a lot of time and effort, but I can do it, so I am certainly not unstable.

Then I thought, but Ah ha!, even when I do dedicate all of my time and effort and energy to controlling this darn disease, I still despite my best efforts have wide, unpredicatble fluctuations in blood sugar levels...

Soooo...that means we ALL qualify, right?! Don't we all of some unpredictable fluctuations that are never explained, no matter how darn hard we try?!

Now, as a disclaimer, I have not yet read the entire article... I stopped at the first line due to the absolute conundrum that statement presented to me, but heck, I think it should give us all a little hope, since, from what I have learned over the past year from all of my diabetes matter how hard we try, every now and then we will have that unpredictable high or low and that it likely isn't our fault, it is probably just due to some unknown bodily response to some unknown bodily function, and that we don't need to feel blame or guilt or discouragement. We just fix it and move on, and be thankful that we will all qualify for Islet tranplantation :)

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Crazy Girl with the Chocolate Smeared Smile

Easter. Such a joyous time for Catholics and Christians all around the world as we celebrate the sacrifices that God and Jesus made for us. Jesus DIED for our sins... and I can't even resist one little darn chocolate easter egg, let alone hoarding the whole bag and eating them one by one as my heart aches in a strange way and I feel more sick to my stomach than even nearly satsified!

There is something about Easter and Halloween and all of those delicious candy filled "special"holidays that turn me into this crazed lunatic when it comes to candy and food and what is otherwise known as the "once forbidden fruit". These "special" occassions also just so happen to bring out the most outrageous and uncharacteristic hoarding tendancies I've ever known, while making me feel all alone in my diabetes all over again.

My husband has come to realize, thankfully quite quickly, food means a lot to me: I save my favorite thing for last; if he gets a "treat", I want a "treat"; I want to try everyone's food; he better not eat the last of that whatever without first asking me if it is ok, and the list of crazy food rules go on and on. If any of these rules are broken, something inside of me wants to fly into an incredible hissy fit that would give any 2 or 3 year old a run for their money. Of course, I do hold it in, but for some reason something inside of me just goes off and I get anxious and frustrated and I want to just cry...

Do I blame diabetes, you ask... Well of COURSE I do!! I think because for so long I could not have any type of "special" food or treat that now when I have the opportunity to and for some reason it is taken away from me, I feel like that 9 year old sitting at the birthday party surrounded by friends but feeling all alone while everyone enjoys their cake while I try to pretend that it doesn't bother me at all...but while all I really want to do is go home so I can have a good cry all alone in my room about all the reasons life isn't fair and why I have to be singled out and why I can't have anything "special"!

Of course, even during those times when it was still not allowed, I would find the hidden candy that my Mom would keep as her "special" treats, and my sister's candy that was full of sugar and I would just eat all that I could eat, without even tasting it. Why? I have absolutely no clue, but I did and it is what I want to do everytime I am faced with all of these yummy temptations.

I know, it sounds crazy!! And worst of all, when it is happening, I FEEL crazy. I know in my adult mind that it is unreasonable and illogical and wrong and I can do what I want without having to go to extremes...that in the world of diabetes today, I AM normal. But those sad memories are so strong and powerful and they have trained the way I think today and I overcompensate by wanted to eat EVERYTHING now that I can. I want to be 'SPECIAL', too!

Of course, most of this is an internal battle, I don't really go around screaming at children to get away from my candy or running through the halls with a mouth full of chocolate and skittles while making really strange noises and waving my hands in the air, but it does tug at my heart everytime someone reaches into MY candy jar and takes a treat for themself. Goodness, if only they knew that the crazy girl with the chocolate smeared smile was just waiting for the right time to pounce! ;) Thankfully, so far this year the body count remains at 0...but those chocolate eggs haven't been nearly so lucky!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Dreading the Workout

I think what happened this last time to get me off track was the "work out" phenomena. In order to work out, I have to unplug and then deliberately get my blood sugar high enough so that I don't crash during a workout... but this goes completely against everything that I have been working so hard to accomplish!!

I don't WANT my blood sugar to be high and I don't think that I should deliberately make it high so that I can go work out...but if I am going to lose any of this horrible weight I have put on, I HAVE to work out...or I could go back to my old habits and deliberately make my blood sugar high...see the conundrum here? Of course, getting my blood sugar high enough to exercise is not even remotely comparable to what I have done in the past, but it still makes the battle that much more difficult and I worry that I will allow myself to fall back into old patterns if I am falling into the same behavior, even it a very reduced level.

Also, I know that when the time comes and I am pregnant, I can't risk the health of our baby to make my blood sugar high to work out... Even seeing the high number discourages me, and I STILL usually end up going low, unless I am in the 300s or so!! how do you guys do it?!? What are your work out tips?? I just can't seem to figure this out at all...

And really, what is the point of busting my toosh working out if I am only going to take in the same amount of calories in juice, glucose tabs, etc.?? HELP!!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Where have I been?!?

Wow, seems like I have been very distant lately, and I guess I have. I am not going to lie and say things have been great on the diabetes front, but they haven't been absolutely horrible, either. I haven't been checking like I should, which of course always leads to highs, but I haven't completely given up, either.

A week or so ago, my husband and I went on our late honeymoon cruise. It was a blast!!! Talk about having diabetes issues, though. On excursions, where do I put my pump? Can I leave it in my bag and not worry? How long will I be gone? What if I get low in the middle of our kayak excursion and I don't have my bag because, well, there was no where to put it?! YIKES! Things worked out, but I can't say I was completely relaxed about it all!

I desperately need to just get back on track and stay focused, and how do I do that?!? Well, by coming back here and checking in and reading up on what's been going on in all of my diabetes buddies lives :)