Monday, April 13, 2009

The Crazy Girl with the Chocolate Smeared Smile

Easter. Such a joyous time for Catholics and Christians all around the world as we celebrate the sacrifices that God and Jesus made for us. Jesus DIED for our sins... and I can't even resist one little darn chocolate easter egg, let alone hoarding the whole bag and eating them one by one as my heart aches in a strange way and I feel more sick to my stomach than even nearly satsified!

There is something about Easter and Halloween and all of those delicious candy filled "special"holidays that turn me into this crazed lunatic when it comes to candy and food and what is otherwise known as the "once forbidden fruit". These "special" occassions also just so happen to bring out the most outrageous and uncharacteristic hoarding tendancies I've ever known, while making me feel all alone in my diabetes all over again.

My husband has come to realize, thankfully quite quickly, food means a lot to me: I save my favorite thing for last; if he gets a "treat", I want a "treat"; I want to try everyone's food; he better not eat the last of that whatever without first asking me if it is ok, and the list of crazy food rules go on and on. If any of these rules are broken, something inside of me wants to fly into an incredible hissy fit that would give any 2 or 3 year old a run for their money. Of course, I do hold it in, but for some reason something inside of me just goes off and I get anxious and frustrated and I want to just cry...

Do I blame diabetes, you ask... Well of COURSE I do!! I think because for so long I could not have any type of "special" food or treat that now when I have the opportunity to and for some reason it is taken away from me, I feel like that 9 year old sitting at the birthday party surrounded by friends but feeling all alone while everyone enjoys their cake while I try to pretend that it doesn't bother me at all...but while all I really want to do is go home so I can have a good cry all alone in my room about all the reasons life isn't fair and why I have to be singled out and why I can't have anything "special"!

Of course, even during those times when it was still not allowed, I would find the hidden candy that my Mom would keep as her "special" treats, and my sister's candy that was full of sugar and I would just eat all that I could eat, without even tasting it. Why? I have absolutely no clue, but I did and it is what I want to do everytime I am faced with all of these yummy temptations.

I know, it sounds crazy!! And worst of all, when it is happening, I FEEL crazy. I know in my adult mind that it is unreasonable and illogical and wrong and I can do what I want without having to go to extremes...that in the world of diabetes today, I AM normal. But those sad memories are so strong and powerful and they have trained the way I think today and I overcompensate by wanted to eat EVERYTHING now that I can. I want to be 'SPECIAL', too!

Of course, most of this is an internal battle, I don't really go around screaming at children to get away from my candy or running through the halls with a mouth full of chocolate and skittles while making really strange noises and waving my hands in the air, but it does tug at my heart everytime someone reaches into MY candy jar and takes a treat for themself. Goodness, if only they knew that the crazy girl with the chocolate smeared smile was just waiting for the right time to pounce! ;) Thankfully, so far this year the body count remains at 0...but those chocolate eggs haven't been nearly so lucky!

No comments: