Monday, December 29, 2008

I prayed for YOU

Just a quick update: I have been doing very very well since my last post, well up until Christmas, that is. For several days my blood sugar was PERFECT. I mean, I couldn't do any better if I had been cured by a miracle from God!! But then, I woke up on Christmas with a fever blister and a horrible cold. I suppose the traveling every single weekend for two months straight caught up to me... Since then, my blood sugars have been absolutely insane. I cannot get them down for anything!! It is quite frustrating, but I know that it is likely due to the cold still in my system :(
Oh well, I am fighting it and doing what I can to get over it and to get back to my wonderful blood sugars!

Christmas day itself was not bad. I really did better than I thought, although, it is always hard to guesstimate and keep track of carbs when there are so many yummy yummy things around. At one point, I stopped and prayed for all of you. For those who were celebrating Christmas, that you stayed strong, enjoyed your day, and stayed on track and for those who didn't celebrate Christmas, that you stayed strong, enjoyed YOUR day, and stayed on track. I thanked God for giving me one of the most wonderful gifts ever: all of YOU and knowing that I am never alone in this struggle. You are always in my prayers and I hope that you also know that you are never alone in your own journey!!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Irrational Fears... or Not??

Every now and then I go through a phase where I am totally consumed by fear. It doesn't happen very frequently, although maybe it should... I have always gotten out of my crisis mode by telling myself that they were just irrational fears, but I have recently come to the conclusion that they are absolutely not irrational; they are real and they should make me realize that at some point, I've got to stop.

I've got to stop giving up when I am scared, when I get frustrated, when I get angry that it is me dealing with this stupid disease, when I get too lazy to care, when I get so consumed by my weight and "how I look" that I sacrifice my health... where will I draw the line?

I have had diabetes for 18 years now, and for just about 18 years I have not been under good control. I am lucky to be alive, let alone still able to walk, see, etc. I do have some retinopathy and I am on ACE inhibitors, but I don't know if it was preventative or because I had some existing damage. The doctor never really explained it to me and I suppose I have convinced myself that if it was serious, he would have.

I think one thing that seriously overwhelms me is the thought that every single day makes a difference, which in turn means that every bad blood sugar also has an impact, right? Every single one. But I can't prevent every single High... it is impossible and somewhat out of my control unless I do nothing but focus on my diabetes, so I used to get completely overwhelmed and give up. I have recently come to the conclusion that giving up really isn't an option anymore. So what if I get frustrated and angry and upset and ask "why me"... I still have to push forward and get it done. There is no other option. It's the only choice I have...because at some point my fears won't be just something that scares me to death for my future, they will be a harsh reality that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I will only get so many chances and so many "warnings".

The fact is this: I have diabetes. I AM a diabetic. I have to use the tools that I have to control it, because that is what diabetics all over the world have to do. I am no exception.

My little crisis modes should have forced me to fight harder, not get scared and give up. I don't understand why I react that way. Giving up does not seem as though it would have been a logical option when I am afraid of the consequences of my neglect of my diabetes, but for 18 years it has been. I don't know what life has in store for me, but I know that all I can do today is to ensure that whatever damage has been done doesn't get worse. Thinking about the past 18 years won't change them, unfortunately, but every good decision from here on out counts, too, right?

So, lately I have been living in the fear of the rational possibilities of the harm I have caused, of MY own consequences of MY actions, and it hurts, but maybe it is exactly what I need.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Ahhh!! It's SNOWING!!!!

Ok, some of you might laugh... but I am a Louisiana girl, born and raised and the furthest north I have ever lived is Baton Rouge, which is where I am now and it is seriously snowing!!!

It's amazing and beautiful and oh so rare here in South Louisiana. The last time it snowed was over Christmas four years ago, and then before that I think it was around 1990!!!

So, of course, after I ate a few snowflakes, I had to make my little snowman and take TONS of pictures of my itty bitty courtyard, haha!! It was fun and just reminds me how wonderful God's little surprises are!!
On the diabetes front, things are so-so. My motivation is so low during the holidays. The sugary temptations and the fatty foods and the visiting with so many people always makes it hard for me and sometimes old habits try to pry their way into my life. I resist, but it sure is difficult.
But, today it has snowed in Baton Rouge and so I am having a little fun and thanking God for all the wonderful things in my life! =:~)