Friday, November 30, 2007

Day 3

So far, things have been much easier than I thought they would be. I think having this outlet has been the difference. I know it is still early, and I do expect some goof ups and some down days, but right now I am feeling very positive about this entire journey to recovery. I think once my body starts to gain more weight, though, I will begin to get much more discouraged. When I am feeling down about myself, I don't seem to want to fight so hard.

Yesterday was a good day, until I went to eat at a restaurant. But to be honest, even then it wasn't too bad. I got home and my BS was in the 300s, so I took insulin and then before bed again, it was in the 300s, so I took more. Well just now it was 116, so it worked. (Although I SHOULD have checked it in the middle of the night to make sure it was ok, oh well, next time).

Of course, I didn't schedule an appointment yet, but I am getting there. I am just not quite ready.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Day 2

Why is it that "doing well" for me means feeling like crap all the time? Isn't taking care of yourself supposed to make you feel good and energized and happy? Not for me. Since I have been so out of control for so long, my body has been dehydrated and to some extent rather weak for many years. The horrible feeling of recovery is usually what stops me from following through with doing well. My body is rehydrating, which means I gain like 10 pounds in a week and become quite bloated. Most people look at me like I am sick and ask whether I am ok or feeling bad or tell me how exhausted I look. My eyes get puffy and I just feel so heavy and I also get quite moody as a result. That does wonders for my self esteem and my attempt to do after a week or so, I usually just give up and go back to not taking care of myself. I actually FEEL better sick, and I look better, too. So I just slip back into denial and not dealing with the truth of my life. I am good at that. Damn good.

Heck, I am only on day 2, so who knows what will happen this time. But I intend to keep you updated, and to keep ME honest. If I falter, I can't just hide in a corner. I will announce it to the world and try again. This motivation is always how I start out...but I have only gained about 5 pounds of fluid so far...

And the lows. The lows certainly don't help me to keep off those unwanted pounds. The calories that I take in because my pump is not calibrated correctly are enormous, and discourage me even more. Last time I had a doctor look at my pump was so long ago, and I was always high because I wasn't doing what I needed to, so the amount of insulin I am getting is way more than I need. Of course, I want to get a lot of "good readings" before I go to the doctor to get it set up correctly. Oh, the excuses...

Goal for the day: Make Dr.'s appointment. Heck it will probably take 3 months to get in anyway...

Now lets see if I can follow through, or whether the fear will get in the way.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

This is my SOS.

I suppose I should begin by introducing myself. I am a 26 year old newly wed. I just graduated from law school and have just begun a job that I hope to someday love. I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes when I was 9. At that time, things were strict, and by that I mean that I was not able to eat one extra grape nor 15 minutes out of my designated time frame. I hated birthday parties and Halloween. I was very well controlled for a while, thanks to Mom.

Then I faltered...and began a very long journey to very very poor control, for reasons that I shall not go into, as to not encourage such poor behavior. Let's just say I was too smart for my own good. I switched doctors probably 6 times in less years. No one wanted me. They couldn't figure me out. I was in and out of the hospital almost 15 times in about 4 years...actually, probably closer to around 20. The day I would get out was the day I would stop taking my insulin again. Our insurance almost dropped us. My mom asked me once when I was in high school to please at least wait until after the New Year to go back in ICU... So I stopped going to doctors once I hit college. There were times when I did really well, but most of the past fifteen years I have spent swimming in A1c's that average around 10...or more. A 300 blood sugar (when I checked every 6 months or so) didn't seem that bad; to be quite honest, neither did a HI. Finally some reluctant Dr. put me on the pump. I went only long enough to get that taken care of. The first Dr. who ordered the pump for me decided I wasn't ready. So I had it in my attic for almost 6 years. I must say, though, it is a lifesaver.

I have encountered a LOT of really bad diabetes educators and doctors who did nothing but discourage me and reprimand me. They compared me to "Good diabetics" and asked me why I couldn't just take care of myself. One compared me to her diabetic husband. He was diagnosed at 30 and was a "perfect diabetic". I was nine when I was diagnosed, and as she could tell, was far from perfect. I don't need to be compared to others. I need help getting to that place. Why would I go back to them? Like I said, I am highly educated and certainly not stupid. I know its bad. I just need someone with patience to help me get back on track...What I now realize, is that I am the ONLY person who can get me back on track.

What I lacked as a child was a support group for ME. Mom had one. She loved it. It was nice for her to talk to other Moms about how to "deal" with their diabetic children. However, I don't need someoen to DEAL with me. I need someone to be there for me so that I can talk things through and process them. Someone to share their own experiences and encourage me when I was down. I tried to start one of my own, but of course that didn't work. I was in high school. I recently went to a Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation (JDRF) support group where I live. It was more of the same. Lots of Moms with their children. The children play and the Moms sit around and got tips on how to "deal" with their children. I need something for ME. I am 26. I neither want to play with 5 year olds nor feel pity for the Moms. I want to talk to someone with my own experiences. I want encouragement, because quite honestly, I am scared shitless. Terrified of what the future leads. I never used to think I HAD a future...but I really really want one. I now have a husband, and I hope to have a family. I BIG one. Who knows if I can? Terrified. So, I tried to encourage the local JDRF chapter to start a young adult support group. I told them I would be in charge of it. I told them more than once. It has been 6 months since I first brought up the idea and still no response. Of course, they are mostly Mothers...

So, that is why I am here. I need help. I need to get on track. I NEED to go to the Doctor. I don't even care if anyone reads this. I will pretend that people do and that they need me to do well, also. That whoever is reading this needs that little bit of encouragement. I will pretend that we will do it together. I am starting now. (Actually yesterday). I checked my blood sugar 4 times...most were not good. But today was better. We have to start somewhere, right? I want this to be an open forum, but I dont' mind talking to myself, either. As my name suggests...this is my SOS.

You can email me or chat with me at