Day 2

Why is it that "doing well" for me means feeling like crap all the time? Isn't taking care of yourself supposed to make you feel good and energized and happy? Not for me. Since I have been so out of control for so long, my body has been dehydrated and to some extent rather weak for many years. The horrible feeling of recovery is usually what stops me from following through with doing well. My body is rehydrating, which means I gain like 10 pounds in a week and become quite bloated. Most people look at me like I am sick and ask whether I am ok or feeling bad or tell me how exhausted I look. My eyes get puffy and I just feel so heavy and I also get quite moody as a result. That does wonders for my self esteem and my attempt to do well...so after a week or so, I usually just give up and go back to not taking care of myself. I actually FEEL better sick, and I look better, too. So I just slip back into denial and not dealing with the truth of my life. I am good at that. Damn good.

Heck, I am only on day 2, so who knows what will happen this time. But I intend to keep you updated, and to keep ME honest. If I falter, I can't just hide in a corner. I will announce it to the world and try again. This motivation is always how I start out...but I have only gained about 5 pounds of fluid so far...

And the lows. The lows certainly don't help me to keep off those unwanted pounds. The calories that I take in because my pump is not calibrated correctly are enormous, and discourage me even more. Last time I had a doctor look at my pump was so long ago, and I was always high because I wasn't doing what I needed to, so the amount of insulin I am getting is way more than I need. Of course, I want to get a lot of "good readings" before I go to the doctor to get it set up correctly. Oh, the excuses...

Goal for the day: Make Dr.'s appointment. Heck it will probably take 3 months to get in anyway...

Now lets see if I can follow through, or whether the fear will get in the way.