Friday, November 28, 2008

Happy Blogiversary To Me!!!

Well, today marks my one year blogiversary!! I can't believe how far I have come, although I still have a long way to go in my dedication to my health. I am in such a good place, though, and even though things in life are far from perfect, I am so incredibly happy.

Thank you for all of your support over the year and for listening through my struggles, my vents, and my random, off the wall and sometimes nonsense filled blogs that I don't even understand! You inspire me each and every day.

I am blessed beyond comprehension and I know that each day is a blessing. I am still taking things one moment at a time, but the good choices now far outway the bad and I thought I would never be at this place.

If I have one thing to share with others it is that you can do anything you put your mind to. It is all within YOUR control, but no one can do it for you. Stay strong, stay dedicated, and as long as you are moving in the right direction, regardless of the steps back that you take, you will make it. I am living proof!!


Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Tragedies tie us all together.

Its amazing how when you open up the discussion about the tragedies in our lives, just about everyone has a story to tell. What brought this up was it has been a pretty sad week at work. This past weekend one of our Professors lost his son and three year old grandson in a house fire. Another Professor was diagnosed with lung cancer. She is just over 30, doesn't smoke, and just adopted her second baby from Russia. One of my co-workers' neighbors died from a massive heart attack after being diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago. And finally, another co-worker's uncle passed away last weekend.

We were just talking about how we deal with our own tragedies in our lives and our level of understanding when they happened. One co-worker's father passed away when he was 50, which of course was very traumatic for her, her mother and her family. My other co-worker's younger brother died around 3 years ago when he was struck by lightening. He was not holding anything with metal and the storm was still somewhat in the distance. And then my older brother passed away when I was 5, he was 8, from complications from leukemia.

All three of us have had to go through losing people who we love dearly. They wanted to know what level of understanding I had as a 5 year old. The man and little boy who died in the fire had a 5 year old daughter/sister who was also at the house when the fire took her father and brother. I remember odd things, but I rarely think about the details. I am not sure what I understood during that time, but I don't think I know exactly what happened. I still don't really.

I know Mark had leukemia, and a brain tumor, and that the pepto bismol the Dr. prescribed led to internal bleeding, which caused him to slip into a coma. But I could also have that all wrong...

I remember that my sister and I were staying at a family friend's house the day my parents told us and they drove us to our house. On the way we passed a field of yellow wildflowers. Mom and Dad were sitting on our outside swing, but I don't remember what they told us or what happened after that. I remember there were a lot of people at our house; I think even my Mom's family from Florida was already there.

At the funeral, I remember standing outside the building where Mark was, but I never remember being inside. I know my sister threw up in the parking lot, but again, other than that I don't remember anything.

I know that every early March (the anniversary of his death) and every early November (his birthday), I start to get emotional and many times don't know quite why until I stop and think about it. It's happened that way for years. My body won't let me forget, and I am ok with that.

What scares me most is that I know another tragedy will come my way and sometimes it completely pre-occupies my mind. What gives me comfort, though, is knowing that so many others have gone through personal tragedies and deal with the pain, but are ultimately ok and strong, like my Mom. I don't feel like I am strong enough, but I think in the face of tragedy you find strength in hidden places...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

A force stronger than gravity...

Well, I changed my site, and just like Chris said... my blood sugar magically returned to normal immediately!! I had just convinced myself that couldn't be it, because I stayed within a 50 point range no matter what I took, how much or little I ate, or how many times I grrrr'ed like Karen!

I should have known, but sometimes my stubborness over powers me... it's like a force stronger than gravity...

...funny story about that :) ~ when I was little, probably around 10ish, maybe a little older, maybe a little younger, I wrote in my Santa letter that over the past year I had tried really hard to be nice to my little sister, but sometimes it was like "a force stronger than gravity" just MADE me be mean, hahaha! It is a running joke in our family... and it is kinda true ;)

Sometimes that is how my poor diabetes decisions are, too: I just have to eat that 6th donut hole, I just won't stop what I am doing to take a shot of insulin, I just won't stop what I am doing to eat when I am low, I just KNOW it isn't my site that is bad so I won't change it...

And just so you know, folks, the force of gravity is pretty strong and hard to break...

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Back on the CGM!! So what's wrong now???

Well folks, I did it!!! I got back on the CGM!! Yay!! I got back on about a week ago and things had been pretty wonderful for a while... but now?? I cannot for the life of me get my blood sugar below 200. It just stays between 200 and about 250 all day for the past two or three days. No matter what I eat, no matter how much I bolus, it won't go down!!! I just keep taking insulin, but to no avail!! It is so frustrating!!

Tonight I am going to change out my site to see if that will help, but I know I am getting SOME insulin, because it hasn't gone above around 300 (don't worry, I am checking my blood sugar and not only relying on the CGM). Ugh!

Just one of those weeks...

Friday, November 7, 2008

I'm in LOVE!!!

The cutest little video ever!! I want one of these sweet little babies!! Turn up the volume so you can hear this!

Geaux Tigers!! :)

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Step by Step

I just wanted to give an update on how things were going. I am taking things slow so as not to put too much pressure on myself. I feel like "doing well" is like a fad diet. You get all crazy and into it and then inevitably can't keep it up and give up. That is the cycle I seem to follow. The goal is to increase those gung ho days and decrease the sloppy ones.

I am checking my blood sugar more, which of course ALWAYS helps me to stay on track, but I am not going crazy with it. I check when I get up, for lunch, maybe one additional time in the afternoon, then for supper and bed. I suppose all in all, that is pretty good. The problem, I think, at least one of the many problems ;) is that I have a pretty obsessive personality. When I do well, I go CRAZY about it. I check like every two hours and eat only "good" foods and when my blood sugar is not what it "should" be based on what I have done, I get frustrated and angry. I take it too far...

That is why I am just taking it slow. Eating ok, making sure my blood sugars aren't completely out of whack, but not obsessing about it and trying to maintain my sanity about it. It is actually working. My blood sugars have been pretty great and I have remained calm!

One of the other many problems is that I am somewhat of a control freak, as well. An obsessive control freak... great! So when I do everything right and the numbers are still wrong, it is so easy to just say to heck with it all. I can't do it. I give up.

But I can't give up forever, so I need to just figure out what works best for me. I have to train myself to let the "bad ones" go and move on and I think I am getting better about it. It is impossible to maintain good control at every moment, so I have to stop thinking about it at every moment. I need to worry about it when I check, cover what I eat, and go on with my day. I CANNOT obsess about it. I've gotta learn to let it go.

I'm working on it. Step by step...

P.S. ~ Patti, and everyone else, thank you!! I'd be lying if I didn't say that you all keep ME going... knowing you are there is more powerful than you could ever know.