Wednesday, April 30, 2008
She called: I sent her my blood sugar log on Friday, as we discussed at our last meeting. Had my entire sheet filled in, the one SHE needs, complete with notes, etc. Well she called me yesterday, Tuesday. First thing out of her mouth, "I got your log, you know, when you send it to me on Friday I don't have time to discuss it with the doctor so you really need to make sure you get it in by Thursday..." Again, I am being reprimanded for doing exactly what she told me to do. I really can't win.
Then, she went on to tell me "we can't do anything to help you until your life settles down." Huh? My life is pretty settled: Work, home. Work, home. Work, home. And most of my b/s were really good, and I really don't think I needed much done with my rates, etc. What I came to realize is that she was focused on ONE DAY ONLY. Thursday. The day I got sworn in as an attorney in New Orleans, which I made note of to explain my crazy b/s that day. She proceeded to ask me if when I celebrate, do I do it big...basically asking whether I got sloppy drunk, haha! Well, I was spending the day with my family walking around the fabulous French Quarter (if you haven't been, you NEED TO), so I don't think acting like a fool would have been appropriate...
Then came the quiz: "Do you know how to drink alcohol with diabetes??" "Do you eat when you drink??" "Do you follow the rules?" Ugh, here we go again. I couldn't hold it in, so I just said, "Well, I was diagnosed when I was 9, so I wasn't exactly drinking then." What part of "I haven't seen a CDE regularly for the past 10 years" does she not understand??? I know that alcohol lowers blood sugar, but when I started drinking my blood sugar was so high all the time I had no chance of getting low... And I didn't even drink on the day she was referring to, especially considering I had work the next day!
Again, I am here to get on track, to learn the rules, so that I can follow them. Sure, I may seem stupid that I don't know exactly what all of these little rules are, but it isn't like it comes naturally. And does she, someone who is supposed to teach people what to do for good control, have to make me feel stupid every single time we speak?? If you don't use it, you lose it, right. Well I have lost all that information, and she is going to make me lose my mind! I told her from the beginning I needed to start fresh, and ever since then she has treated me like a non-compliant (again, I hate that word!!) diabetic who just refuses to do what I am told...
She has sarcastically asked me in the past whether she was "getting through to me", well apparently I am not getting through to her!! I had already made up my mind that I am not going to see her again, but it still gets to me. I mean, every time I talk to her I feel discouraged and as though I CAN'T do this. Even when I am trying my hardest, and I AM, I just am not doing good enough apparently. So what's the point. Why try?? The people who are supposed to be there to support me and guide me obviously don't think I am doing a good enough job and just criticize me. Honestly, yesterday after she called was the closest I came to feeling as though I just wanted to give up. I won't, but I was just so frustrated that I can see how far I have come and how well I am doing, but it just isn't good enough. Will it ever be good enough??
Honestly, I just don't get it. I don't know what I did wrong or what I did to her to make her feel like I am just wasting her time...and that is exactly how she comes across to me: That I am just a waste of her time because I will just never get it right...
I will let you know how it goes next week when I tell the doc that I no longer want to see her...I think if I keep thinking about it I am just going to end up even more discouraged than I am now. The last thing I need right now is to start the tears rolling, because I don't think they will stop if I do.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
This is just the thing I needed, too! I hate writing negative things, like my bad experience with my CDE, because that is just life. Nothing is perfect in life and that is perfectly alright. We learn from our experiences, and I definitely believe that makes us stronger and it shapes who we are. So...I wanted something HAPPY to write about and found this!!
The rules are simple. Make a list of your loves. BUT you can’t include a single person on your list. You can't say that "I love my husband's eyes” or “I love the way my sister sings.” It’ll be tough! But this meme is to figure out what YOU love and what makes YOU happy and that should not be defined by other people. If you were the only person on earth, what things would still make you happy?
Here we go!
I love dressing up and getting all gussied up.
I love dressing down and hanging out in my p.j.'s.
I love going out for a night on the town.
I love staying in and cuddling up on my couch for a relaxing night at home.
I love buying myself fresh flowers. Just seeing them around the house makes me cheery and happy.
I love Margaritas and I now love a wine I just discovered: Gnarly Head. I didn't think I liked red wine until I tried their Old Vine Zin and now I am part of the "cool wine drinkers club".
I love finding new things that I love, like my new wine. When you think you have found everything there is, poof, something new shows up!
I love sappy old love songs.
I love sappy romantic movies.
I love hosting parties at my home.
I love wild flowers. Each one is a little gift from God.
I love bold colors, but bold yellow is my absolute favorite.
I love new leaves in the Spring.
I love listening to music from 80's and 90's. Give me REO Speedwagon, Celine Dion, old Mariah Carey and Michael Bolton and I will show you one happy girl!
I love Banana Runts.
I love cute papertowels, and it takes me forever to find just the right roll!
I love Andes Mints.
I love Snail Mail.
I love Laffy Taffy jokes.
I love Surprises. Especially just those little things that simply say "hey, I've been thinking about you".
I love Dark Chocolate Kisses, especially the ones with mint!
I love to read a good book.
I love piano music.
I love driving around and seeing new things, or just looking at old houses or going to neighborhoods I have never been in. Maybe it is because I didn't grow up in a neighborhood, but each one seems like it is its own little secret place, with different styles, different people, different secret places for kids to hide out in.
I love pizza the next day heated up in a toaster oven where the crust is really crunchy but the stuff on top is really gooey.
I love when the red light turns green right when you approach it.
I love seeing butterflies busily doing what probably to them just seems like work.
I love when the little email notifier pops up saying that I have a new email.
Wow, I really could probably go on all day!! How fun is it to think of all the things that make me happy! I just love the little things in life and there are oh so many!!
Now it is your turn!! If you have a blog, make your own list, but remember, leave out all those people that you love in your life and make it all about YOU! If you don't have a blog, just reflect on those things. It is amazing how uplifting it is and it makes me remember all of those things that I am grateful for, and goodness there is just so much!
First, when I walked in she didn't really know what our "plan" for the appointment was. Last time she told me that she was going to teach me to use dual bolus and wave bolus and I guess some other new pump things, but I didn't really know why she wanted to see me either, to be honest. I figured it was her job to make notes on our follow up visit since she scheduled it for me.
Well, first, I gave her my record sheet (which was given to me at my dietician's appointment) all filled out with what I ate and little notes to remind myself why I had highs, etc. I must admit, I was very proud. Two full weeks of not only checking my blood sugars at least 4 times a day, but it was written down, too!! Talk about being proud of myself. Well, she wasn't very impressed. Apparently she "can't do anything with this!" To be honest, I was taken aback, but she said that it was not on the correct form and she couldn't see patterns, etc. to make any changes. This sheet had a full week on each side and I kept the times around the same place on the sheet, so I could see patterns just fine...but it wasn't on her sheet and therefore it was apparently useless. She didn't even attempt to look at it to see if she could see anything. That's fine if she has a certain sheet to use, but don't get mad at me because I didn't know I HAD to use that one sheet...I used one that someone in the SAME office gave me! But, I just sat there, feeling my heart starting to pick up speed. I was just kind of dumbfounded at her harsh reaction. It isn't even WHAT she is saying, it is HOW she says it to me. Just tell me that I need to use her sheet starting today, don't act like everything I have done for the past few weeks was just worthless.
One problem now is that I don't even attempt to explain because she doesn't listen to what I say, I just end up getting the lecture twice. After she went off on how she can't see any patterns and as she was digging out HER sheet from her drawer, she just kept saying "Am I making any sense to you?? Do you understand what I am saying??" It took all I had not to reply with "Um, yes, I am 26 years old and have had diabetes for 17 of those years, I know that patterns are important; although, I honestly can't see why you can't see them from the sheet I brought, but I will certainly not make that mistake again. Would you like me to now go sit in the naughty girl time-out chair?" So much for feeling proud of myself...
Then, at another time she was asking me about how often I change my sites. I told her every 4 sometimes 5 days. I haven't met any diabetic who actually sticks to the 3 day rule. If you do then way to go! It is apparently very very important, although I have had no problems sticking to my own 5 day rule. After telling her that I do it every 4 or 5 days she just curtly said that I need to change it every 3 days and I need to write it down in my log...then sarcastically something like "For at least a little while you are going to have to start following the rules if we are to make any changes here".
She stepped out of the office for a minute while I gathered my nerve to actually say something in response. So, when she returned I meekly responded that "you say I am not following the rules, but I have not done just about anything for almost 10 years. I came here because I need to relearn the rules. Please tell me what they are so I can follow them." Which is TRUE. I wasn't forced to come in and I am certainly not attempting to be non-complaint (ugh I hate that word). I want to relearn what I need to do! Like the rule that your blood sugar should be over 100 before bed. I had no clue until recently (although it makes TONS of sense!). Those little things that I should know like the back of my hand...I don't and that is why I am here. If I wanted to neglect my health, I promise you that I know how. I know the tricks and I know the gimmicks to pull, and I CERTAINLY would not be going to see a CDE, let alone paying to see one! I want to make sure that I have all of the tools that I need to succeed at this and I am determined to do so. So the rest of the appointment I was just determined to ask the questions I had, get the info I needed for myself, and then just move on.
I could understand the way she treats me if we had a history. We don't! I have seen her three times (one when she interupted my dietician appointment). She has no reason to be so harsh with me. She knows nothing about my struggles in the past except that I am trying to get back on track. Her attitude just is not justified and I just don't understand it. I have not been sarcastic with her, never responded to her and just took what she had and then (sorry to all of you :/) vented about it here.
I have decided that at my next appointment with my doctor I am going to ask that he refer me to someone else. Our personalities obviously just clash and I can see that it isn't going to get better. She just has a condescending attitude toward me and since there was no reason for it from the beginning, I can see it isn't going to change. That's fine. It is important for us to know and realize that we are not going to be compatible with everyone that we meet, and we just have to remember that we can choose to see someone else. She may be wonderful for everyone else, but for me, it just isn't working. That is just how life goes and it isn't personal. Heck, for some reason she might just be dying for me to make that switch, too. Maybe I just remind her of her son's evil girlfriend that she never liked or the neighbor who used to egg her car or something bizarre like that!
I also just want to say that I know how hard CDEs work for us and they are such an important part of our treatment team. The key is finding one that you feel you can trust and get help from. It is ok to search around and find one that fits. Don't let one person get you down and I am determined to not let that happen to me. Keeping in touch with SOMEONE is important, though.
P.S.- I am still VERY proud of my two week record sheet. It might not have been done the way she wanted it, but it is proof of how far I have come! I should frame it and maybe I will :)
Monday, April 21, 2008
That being said, I don't think I overreacted to my CDE at my dietician appointment. I felt extremely attacked and she was not listening to me at all. So I am nervous about today. The problem is that now I am already prepared to be very defensive. I am trying to come up with excuses for things that should not require excuses. "My blood sugar is high that day because we had a crawfish boil and it was kind of hard to count carbs" ...I am a normal South Louisianian and I will NOT stay away from crawfish! I have an explanation for just about every high written down right there on my log, but like last time, I am afraid she is going to want to make changes to my basal rates without paying any attention to what I have written down.
I will admit, this weekend I was not on my A game. I barely checked and took insulin at random. There was no intent to deliberately raise by b/s, I was just lazy. It was the first time in a very long time that I did it, and it was partly due to the fact that we had our in-laws in town staying with us and I was busy as heck :) ...and I didn't want to be bothered with diabetes. So I wasn't. It all started when I forgot my darned meter at home on Thursday...
I am back on track today and my blood sugars have been great. I am just afraid she is going to completely focus on the two days that I didn't do well and disregard the two weeks that I did wonderfully. Checking at a very minimum 4 to 5 times per day...usually around 8-10 times was unheard of 7 months ago. I am determined not to be too hard on myself because then I would never get back on track and just give up...I let it go and I am back where I need to be. I just hope she does the same...
Ugh, my blood sugar is going to go up just stressing about it. After my last appointment it was over 300 when I got home!! If it doesn't go well, I am just going to be very straightforward with her and request someone else. If I am not being helped by her, then what is the point in me PAYING for these appointments...
Hopefully I am worrying about nothing, but I will certainly let you know!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Second: I left my meter at home today!! Ugh! I have done so fantastically well and now I forget my meter for the day!?!? What is that?? I feel so lost without it. I know my blood sugar is on the high side; I can feel it...but what do I give? I have no clue. I guess forgetting my meter once after all this time is actually not all that bad, but it is very frustrating. Before I would "forget it on purpose" but not anymore!! And now I forget it for real. But, I will just have to do what I can when I get home to make up for the crazy day.
Third: I chopped off all of my hair. 12 inches to be exact - I donated it. I don't know if I like it, though. My cheeks have become too chubby for this hair and I can't hide my new plump face from the world; it makes me feel uneasy. I am sure it will grow on me, though. I hope so!!
Fourth: Bella has her second training class tonight! The first went well. She now sees a treat and sits immediately (hahaha!). Although, she pretty much knew "sit" and "come here" already. She is a very smart little thing and she is learning fast...but she is also a tad stubborn. Smart and stubborn are not always a very good combination! Oh, and I have video to prove that she DOES throw temper tantrums...I'll post that, too as soo as I figure out how.
I suppose that is all for my day. Already starting to get uneasy about my CDE appointment on Monday, but I am sure it will be fine. I want to ask her about getting on my CGMS...I was very nervous about this at first since I didn't know if I wanted all my my blood sugars and I certainly didn't want it beeping everytime it started going high (since well, I may have wanted it that way...) but I am now feeling much better about it and I think I can do it. I'll let you know what she says!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Not checking my blood sugar, not taking care of myself, and ignoring my diabetes is no longer a thought in my mind. It is no longer an option I consider. I feel like it has been years since I just breezed through life without a thought to my diabetes care; it feels like a lifetime ago. I'd be lying if I said that I don't struggle; we all do. I'd be lying if I said that my old temptations don't rise up every now and then. But now they just rise and then they fall again, without me needing to force them out of my mind; they no longer linger...for days. They are merely a passing whisper that just fades away. I figure now that I am over it, it is ok to tell you my secret. I'll probably regret it as soon as I do, but if I am going to keep my promise to be honest, then it is just something that has to be done.
My secret: My biggest struggle with gaining control over my diabetes, was getting over what I have recently found out is called 'dia bulemia'. I don't like the word. I prefered when there wasn't a name...I don't feel there is a word to describe it. It was nice to realize I was not alone, but it made me incredibly sad and scared, as well. I wish I was the only one.
I'd be lying if I said that I was completely happy and at ease with the weight I have put on. I'm not. I try not to glance in the mirror when I pass one so I don't tear up and get discouraged. My mind fills with negative thoughts about myself, so I just try to stay away. It's hard. It has been a struggle for me since I was around 12 or 13, maybe even earlier than that. That is when these demons first showed me their ugly heads. I was stick thin but thought I was horribly fat. I promise you, I most certainly was not. I was a bony little thing. I only know that now because I have pictures to prove it. My mind would certainly have fooled you. That is the time when I realized that not only would insulin save my life, but not taking it would make me thin. I don't understand it and chances are I never will, but it has been a struggle that I have fought for a long time.
When I was still at home, it was hard, because Mom still monitored me. I couldn't just get away with it. I would binge on sugar at night...bread rolled with all the sugar that would fit in the middle...and then take insulin to get me down for the morning. Little did I know that wouldn't really work. I even tried suffering through lows for as long as I could stand it so that my A1c (an 'average') would not be high. That doesn't work either.
My parents found out when we went on a beach vacation. I wanted to look thin(ner than I was) in a bathing suit, so I took even less than usual. After moving all of the luggage in and upstairs, I was just so tired. I went to the bathroom and passed out, hitting my head on the sink. They had no idea, but I had to confess my sins then. I can't even imagine what went through their minds. But something tells me that at that moment, it all made sense. My crazy blood sugars and A1c's. They knew, and I couldn't take it back.
To be honest, I barely remember the story. I don't think about it; I don't go back there. I just went through the motions. It is hard to think about it now; it is hard to imagine I was that person. I am that person. I know that eventually I just stopped taking my insulin altogether...only enough to keep me barely alive. My poor parents would try to force me to, but I wouldn't do it. There were times when the would beg me to...plead with me, but I wouldn't. I couldn't. I don't know why, and I don't understand it well enough to explain.
In high school and my first years of college I was in and out of hospitals close to 20 times from DKA. When I started college my parents made me go to a doctor two or three times a week so they could check my ketones. When I would get admitted to the hospital, the nurses had such a horrible time getting an IV in me. Thinking about it makes me cringe! They would try just about every vein and then finally one would work. There were times I admitted myself and discharged myself without anyone stopping by. It was the same routine; why should anyone visit? The day that I would get out is the day that I would stop taking my insulin again.
Eventually I stopped going to doctors; heck, why bother. I was killing myself. I don't know how I made it, but God obviously had his hand on my back, guiding me and keeping me safe. There is no other explanation. I even wrote notes in my journal in case I died. I guess they were like farewell notes to my family. I wrote out all the things I loved about them, for them to find when my body gave up. I never told anyone that before...
I became so thin, probably at one point under 90 lbs, or at least close to it. I didn't know how thin I really was until a few years after when I was looking at pictures. I really had no idea; how could I not know? I don't even know how that could make sense. It doesn't.
I was so weak. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stand. I couldn't eat. I'd get the worst chills and nothing would keep me warm. I'd throw up from being in DKA constantly. My hair fell out. There were times I couldn't shower without sitting down. I couldn't stand without almost blacking out. I don't know how I did it. I have no idea what possessed me.
I've tried to "get better" before, but then I would gain the weight and become completely discouraged. I'd hate myself. My way of dealing with stress had always been to eat tons of sugar, to raise my blood sugar...to numb out. But I couldn't do that...or if I did, I had to deal with the calories. That has also always been my way to "diet"...to eat tons of sweets, so that was always my first thought and I would often succumb to it, resulting in me giving up. I still do that when I am stressed...I go for the sugar.
I have had people ask me why I did it. I have no explanation other than I suppose different people react differently to things and well, no one's life is identical to another's. My life was already tightly controlled by my diabetes and once my parents found out, it became much much more controlled (as it should have); I rebelled against that. My older brother passed away when he was 8; I was 5. So naturally, my parents did everything they could to keep me 'under control'; maybe that played a role, who knows. Maybe it is just some flaw in my brain. Sometimes I think about what I would tell others to help prevent it, but I have no advice. I would probably have done exactly what my Mom did, but in my mind the more control I had over me, the worse I got. I felt so trapped. I felt like I was in a small cage and had no escape. No logic can explain it because it isn't logical.
After years of that, it just became common-place. It was no longer a conscious decision to neglect my care; it was just what I did. I just went through the motions. I was too scared to deal with any other alternative. I was never ready to deal with the consequences of what I did to my body. It all began over 15 years ago. I don't even know how that is possible; I don't know how it got that out of hand. But somehow it did, and I am happy to say that part of my life is over; it's done with. I have finally conquered the beast!
I am happy that I am now strong enough to not let it consume me and that I no longer allow it to control my actions, but it still gets me down and the pain is still there. I don't know why. I still feel like it is bigger than me. I know it will take time, but I just wish it would go away. I know it has only been around 4 months, but I am so ready. One day it will go away, just like I got over this first hump, I will also get over the next. Right? I suppose for now that is my dream, and I am holding onto it with everything I have! I have to.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Little Ms. Bella thinks I am the most amazing person in the whole wide world! It never matters how I feel, what my blood sugars are, how much weight I gain, or how moody I am - she loves me. Sometimes I think she actually believes I am not only her Mom, but I am also her little girlfriend, haha! If my husband and I are hugging, after a few seconds we will hear a squeaky whining noise coming from around our knees, then this little white blur will begin to jump up on us while throwing her head in a tantrum...until I pick her up and sandwich her right there in between us, haha!! Yes, I love it! But, I am not looking forward to one more opportunity for me to be 'graded' ... this time on how I am doing as a Puppy Mommy rather than how I am doing with my diabetes...but, such is life, and I have a feeling that this will be a lot easier than controlling a disease that will not be controlled!!
I'll definitely keep you posted on how we do!! Wish me luck! (told you I'd go off on a tangent...)
Friday, April 4, 2008
However, when I got there, my dietician took my meter and pump to get my bs, which was of course fine. Not all of my bs are on my pump, though, because if my blood sugar is fine and I am not eating (like every single morning, unless it is high), I don't put it in my pump. Also, as those of you who keep up with my blogs know, I haven't been at 100%, meaning, I have had some days where I struggled a lot and became very discouraged...I've had bouts of several days like that. I mean, let's be real here, I have gone from basically not checking my blood sugar AT ALL for six months or more, to trying to start all over. I have finally learned that I am not going to be perfect, and that that is ok. I am not going to set myself up for failure...again. I've done that for years. Well, when she returned after uploading the sugars from my pump and she brought in the CDE, as well...
I felt as though the CDE was being so confrontational, one: without even having any reason and if she did, she didn't clue me in on it, and two: without first realizing she didn't even have all of my blood sugars. If you have a question for me, I am a very intelligent adult. Just ask me. I still don't know what she was trying to accomplish or even what she was trying to figure out, but she barely listened to what I had to say when explaining my reasons for the random things she pointed out...like, "oh I see here you suspended your pump for 3 and a half hours..." Yea, I more than likely I took it off for my shower, forgot to rehook it immediately, grabbed it on my way out of the door and stuck it in my purse, where I forgot about it again, until I realize, oops!! and plugged it back in. Sorry, but it happens! But she didn't listen to anything I had to say; she would even talk over my explanations!
I am not perfect and I never will be, but at least have the decency to treat me like a responsible adult who just so happens to be human, too. OH, and yea, one who is also making big time readjustments to getting back on track. I would be lying if I didn't say that sometimes, I have a really really hard time and it takes everything in me to make the choice to keep staying strong and trying to stay healthy, but I do it. Be proud of that, don't point out all of the little things that aren't perfect, especially without giving me the chance to explain them. I already feel so judged when I go to see a CDE...this just made it so much worse for me.
I made the appointment today because I knew I was messing up on carb counting and meal boluses, so I know by bs are all over the place, so don't throw assumed accusations at me when I am doing what I feel I need to do...becoming more educated so the goof ups don't happen!
I am sorry about the rant, but I am just so frustrated that I have felt like I have been doing pretty well (for me) but what I am NOT doing is getting noticed, instead of all of the strides that I have made...but, I guess that is life, and I am proud of myself and sometimes that is all it needs to take.
But NOW, I will finally get to re-learn all of that! This is exactly what I need to get back on track! AND this dietician is apparently a Type 1 Diabetic! I am just so pumped! And my hon is coming with me, so he can learn all about it, too!
Yay! I'll let you know how it goes =:~)
Thursday, April 3, 2008
I must say I have been doing pretty well eating healthy foods, though! I have not had fast food in I don't know how long...probably at least a month or two, which is probably a record for me, haha! It is just so EASY!! Now, we have gone out to eat at restaraunts, we just have not gotten fast food...
My next goal is to really kick up my exercise routine!! I NEED to exercise more. Once I get home, I am just so worthless!! If anyone has tips on what they do, I would LOVE to hear them!
Also, I wanted to make sure everyone knew about the DiabetesSisters.org launch party this weekend!! If you are in the area, you can attend in person, or if you aren't, you can chat with everyone online!! It is going to be an amazing opportunity to meet women who also have diabetes!! Check it out! http://diabetessisters.org