Showing posts with label grumpy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grumpy. Show all posts

Thursday, June 5, 2008

What is the deal, here?

Ok, after having tremendous lows over the past week or so, I now cannot seem to be able to get my blood sugar under 200. Well, except when it randomly shoots extremely low and then shoots way back up again. This morning I woke with a 39 after being high ALL day yesterday, and then two hours later was almost to 300 and it is still lingering around 180ish (I know, not horrible, but why isn't my insulin working!!). I have changed nothing about my diet or my insulin. All I did was add in a little exercise.

I am so frustrated and am not having a very good diabetes week. The first 4 or 5 days on my CGMS, I was overjoyed and excited. I would flatline at around 100 and stay there just about all day. Now this week, I flatline around 200 and cannot get it down for anything.

Now that I am actually paying attention to my diabetes, I am realizing how truly confusing and complicated it all is. I hope I can keep this up for, for, well forever. Ugh.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Diabetes Just Plain Sucks!

I know, I know...we all know this. I suppose that since the time I became "born again" I have tried to stay very optimistic, although I am sure it hasn't always seemed that way...but internally, I have.

I guess I hit a lull yesterday. I am trying to get back on track exercising, but what is really the point?? I eat well all day and then attempt to exercise and my bloodsugar drops so low that I have to eat a hamburgers worth of calories just to get it back to a level where I can actually function. I am still playing with how exercise, food and everything else works in my body, but it is SO frustrating! I feel like I should know this since I have had diabetes for 17 years, but I have to keep reminding myself of that big 15 year break that I took...

For example: Yesterday I woke up at 40-something, had a low around 4ish and then for supper I was 178 and I ate and took no insulin for supper and then went to exercise: 52, then 42...AND I woke up low again this morning. I think I had about 3 juices (400 calories) , 8 glucose tabs (120 calories), 7 hard candies (140 calories) and a banana (100 calories) to equal a whopping 760 extra calories!! Ugh, now that is depressing.

I think my body is really finally adjusting to having really great blood sugars and so I need to adjust my basals to make sure I don't get all of these lows, but then I am afraid I will get the highs. And to me, the highs are worse! I absolutely love my CGMS, although it has really really brought out the perfectionist in me, as I kind of knew that it would. So when I see that blood sugar creaping up, I react to it, even when maybe I should just let it all stabilize on its own. I would rather have lows than highs, because well, we are aiming for a LOWER A1c, right?? (of course yesterday I didn't have my CGMS connected because my 6 days was up and well, I was delaying having to inject that ginormous needle into my stomach). If you give me numbers and goals, I just go crazy with them and try to make sure it happens, especially now that I can pretty much keep track of where my blood sugar is all day long.

I just became overwhelmed after we got back from the gym because it seems like I try so hard to do the right thing and it just doesn't work out. I know the low didn't help my attitude, but it was my first real "diabetes just plain sucks" funk. Goodness, it really really does. To have to monitor and track everything you eat all day long, as well as every bit of activity you do, as well as stress, the weather and the changes of the moon just for plain survival can become a pretty daunting task, if I do say so myself! It is overwhelming and not so fun. But you all know that one...

Also, as I told you earlier, I got my CareLink USB to download my info...well, I don't think the software works with Vista. Talk about disappointing!!! I tried to download it like 6 times AFTER I knew it wouldnt' work, haha! I thought it might eventually just feel sorry for me and decide it would work just for me. So far that hasn't worked, though...

Today I am back on the CGMS, and my blood sugar has gone from 52 this morning, to almost 300 and hopefully it is on its way back down now...however slowly as it may be traveling... I'll just have to make sure that I eat more before working out so I don't have to eat so much AFTER!

It is a work in progress, but isn't it always...

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

What Now?!?!

I made a personal decision to not write about my negative CDE experiences again. I HATE being negative and it is so important to see one!! BUT...

She called: I sent her my blood sugar log on Friday, as we discussed at our last meeting. Had my entire sheet filled in, the one SHE needs, complete with notes, etc. Well she called me yesterday, Tuesday. First thing out of her mouth, "I got your log, you know, when you send it to me on Friday I don't have time to discuss it with the doctor so you really need to make sure you get it in by Thursday..." Again, I am being reprimanded for doing exactly what she told me to do. I really can't win.

Then, she went on to tell me "we can't do anything to help you until your life settles down." Huh? My life is pretty settled: Work, home. Work, home. Work, home. And most of my b/s were really good, and I really don't think I needed much done with my rates, etc. What I came to realize is that she was focused on ONE DAY ONLY. Thursday. The day I got sworn in as an attorney in New Orleans, which I made note of to explain my crazy b/s that day. She proceeded to ask me if when I celebrate, do I do it big...basically asking whether I got sloppy drunk, haha! Well, I was spending the day with my family walking around the fabulous French Quarter (if you haven't been, you NEED TO), so I don't think acting like a fool would have been appropriate...

Then came the quiz: "Do you know how to drink alcohol with diabetes??" "Do you eat when you drink??" "Do you follow the rules?" Ugh, here we go again. I couldn't hold it in, so I just said, "Well, I was diagnosed when I was 9, so I wasn't exactly drinking then." What part of "I haven't seen a CDE regularly for the past 10 years" does she not understand??? I know that alcohol lowers blood sugar, but when I started drinking my blood sugar was so high all the time I had no chance of getting low... And I didn't even drink on the day she was referring to, especially considering I had work the next day!

Again, I am here to get on track, to learn the rules, so that I can follow them. Sure, I may seem stupid that I don't know exactly what all of these little rules are, but it isn't like it comes naturally. And does she, someone who is supposed to teach people what to do for good control, have to make me feel stupid every single time we speak?? If you don't use it, you lose it, right. Well I have lost all that information, and she is going to make me lose my mind! I told her from the beginning I needed to start fresh, and ever since then she has treated me like a non-compliant (again, I hate that word!!) diabetic who just refuses to do what I am told...

She has sarcastically asked me in the past whether she was "getting through to me", well apparently I am not getting through to her!! I had already made up my mind that I am not going to see her again, but it still gets to me. I mean, every time I talk to her I feel discouraged and as though I CAN'T do this. Even when I am trying my hardest, and I AM, I just am not doing good enough apparently. So what's the point. Why try?? The people who are supposed to be there to support me and guide me obviously don't think I am doing a good enough job and just criticize me. Honestly, yesterday after she called was the closest I came to feeling as though I just wanted to give up. I won't, but I was just so frustrated that I can see how far I have come and how well I am doing, but it just isn't good enough. Will it ever be good enough??

Honestly, I just don't get it. I don't know what I did wrong or what I did to her to make her feel like I am just wasting her time...and that is exactly how she comes across to me: That I am just a waste of her time because I will just never get it right...

I will let you know how it goes next week when I tell the doc that I no longer want to see her...I think if I keep thinking about it I am just going to end up even more discouraged than I am now. The last thing I need right now is to start the tears rolling, because I don't think they will stop if I do.