Fallen off the Wagon...

Well, as some of you may have guessed by my absence, I haven't been the best about my diabetes care lately. Honestly, I think it all stemmed with my latest A1C. I think it was in August. It wasn't as horrible as it used to be, but it was about .2 higher than my last, and I had been trying SO hard to do well and keep things under control, but it didn't work. I feel like the goal of getting that number under 7 is impossible. I struggle too much on a daily basis to regularly do well. I mean, I can do well for weeks and weeks, and then for a few days I just stop. I don't check my blood sugar and I eat whatever I want, when I want, without bolusing accordingly.

How do I change that?? When I am motivated, I am so motivated. But when I struggle, I throw it ALL out of the window. I have recently decided that I am what I like to call "passionate" and I am very much a person of extremes. I also think I am very logical, but I have an obsessive personality and I over analyze just about everything. When I am happy, I am very happy and I take in the little things in life, but when I am mad, I get very angry, although it doesn't last very long. When I do well, I am perfect...maybe too perfect to sustain, and when I do poorly, I let everything go. I am obsessive in the sense that when I am doing well, in regards to blood sugar, dieting or exercise, I think about it constantly and don't give myself any slack. I can't stand it when my blood sugar is off for what seems to be no reason at all because it doesn't make sense. I don't like things that I can't control!! I am sure many of you share many of those same frustrations...

Why can't I find a happy medium in all of this. Why can't I do well without fearing that at any second my blood sugar will rise for no reason and I will lose all control over it. Why can't I accept the fact that I will NEVER be perfect in regards to my diabetes...or I guess anything else! I don't like to lose control over things; it scares me.

I am not going to return to deliberately making my blood sugar high, but I don't even want to be in a place where I can just "give up" when the going gets tough. I want to be in that place where there are no excuses and you just do as well as you can and just keep fighting. But how do I get there without feeling overwhelmed and frustrated? Does the frustration ever go away??

The last time I put my sensor in, I must admit, I did a lot better. I didn't let the information overload overwhelm me like I had in the past. I let it guide me and instead of checking my blood sugar 15 times per day, I just let myself trust that the sensor was doing its job and only checked when I needed to. I think if I just keep my sensor in and treating it as a tool to help guide me instead of something that I need to constantly be on top of and to keep checking to make sure my blood sugar is perfect at every second, I will do ok...

I suppose that is my plan. I am just ready to be alright with all of this and accept it for what it is, but I don't feel like this is ever even possible... I'll try to do better checking in on here. I know that always keeps me motivated :~)

Diabetes is NOT a Death Sentence

My newest post on DiabetesSisters.org: HERE

Thank you all for making my transition to a Born Again Diabetic so much easier than I ever thought possible! I owe my success to the support of my many new friends in the Diabetes OC!!

Reflections...

Writing my Diabulimia Column for DiabetesSisters has been hard. It's scary to go back to that place where I was so long ago...but it wasn't really that long ago at all. I wasn't in the depths of it all when I started this journey, but I was certainly not out of it. Looking back on how far I have come is exciting, though. I feel so much hope for my future and that is something that I never ever felt before. I didn't think I had a future and so I certainly didn't waste my time dwelling on it. But that was when I never knew how good life could be. I am truly at that top of the world right now, and I am not just waiting on the day I trip and fall back down to the bottom. It's an amazing feeling.

I have come to realize that I have the power and control to do whatever I want in my life. I am more confident in who I am, more sure of who I want to become, and more excited to see how it all plays out than ever before...and I have the most amazing husband to make that journey with me. I am in love with life right now, and it is great. It is still a little scary sometimes, but I feel ok with that. Looking back at how far I have come has made me realize that nothing can hold me back...unless I let it.

We all hold our futures within our grasps, we just have to take the reins.

My Story on DiabetesSisters.org

Well, I suppose I am "going there" and getting the whole story out about my struggles with my diabetes and diabulemia. It's scary and liberating at the same time!

If you're interested, check it out on DiabetesSister's website: http://www.diabetessisters.org/index.php?/content/blogcategory/39/107/

I'd say I'm cured, but then there's that 260 this morning...

Yesterday was a weird and crazy day...in more ways than one. Soo...Brad and I bought a new car. Wow. Never in my life did I ever think we would be the owners of a brand new vehicle. But we are. We got a great deal. A steal, really. We got a 2008 Mazda Tribute. Just the basics, no fluff...but I have so much fluff in my diabetes life right now, simple is just perfect! Brad's car was about to fall apart...and I am pretty sure I mean that literally. So, car shopping we went and landed this deal.

Well, in all of the chaos of the day, that included negotiating with dealers, discussions with my husband, and the plain fear of entering into another huge financial commitment, I forgot to change my insulin cartridge before leaving the house and it ran out at about 12:30. Well, luckily I had my back up insulin pen in my desk and took what I needed for lunch, but that was it. I had no basals at all. I was worried. I just knew I was going to be high for the rest of the afternoon, which also meant grumpy.

Well, around 4ish, I started feeling jittery. I thought that I could be low, but instead of checking my blood sugar I just took a few sips of some real coke and passed it off as nerves. I should have been checking anyway since I needed to keep a close eye on my numbers to make sure they didn't go high, but well, I didn't.

So I headed home to take care of some things at 4:30. Well...my husband called as I turned into our carport and said to meet him at the dealership (which by the way, is what I wanted to do initially anyway and I was furious that I now had to drive back through 5 o'clock traffic to meet him after he convinced ME it was best to go home...) So in my fit of anger I just turned right around...forgetting all about my insulin.

I could only imagine what stress, anger, and having absolutely no insulin in my system was doing to my blood sugar, but I decided to just go on with the plan and go to the dealership to at least look at the Tribute. We liked it, we wanted it, we sat down to talk. And talk we did...forever!

I started getting jittery again at about 7:30. I knew I just had to check to see where I stood, terrified I would see a ginormous number on the little screen. 64. What?!?! I checked again. 62. I mean, I know I hadn't eaten, but I am getting NO basals, and already had some coke. I had no insulin since 12:30. And the stress alone should have spiked it. I drank an entire Dr. Pepper and was 140. Now I was really scared about it spiking with nothing to bring it down.

Got home at around 9 with our new black beauty, and ate a sandwich without taking any insulin. At 10 pm it was 174. That is when I finally changed my insulin cartridge. I swore I was cured. I just knew it. I had to be!! I went to bed happy...although dreams about getting an extra $200 off the car kept me restless. Oh joy!

At 5 am I woke up sweaty and my mind was racing...I needed sugar, and fast. I had honey next to my bed and took a few big gulps (ugh, so gross!). My husband woke up and asked me to check my blood sugar (such a great guy!!). It was 44. After all of that and it was still 44. Maybe my body was just so happy to be cured it was producing insulin overtime! That is nice, but it needed to stop. Brad got me some juice and I finally settled down.

Well, at 9 it was 260. I am not cured. But I am happy to have a new vehicle and to be back on my sensor. Good enough for now! Why do I feel like this is double deja vu? I think I may have been cured before =:~)

And I'll elaborate further on the link between a new car and a cure that I came up during my 5 a.m. low next time...oh how the sleepy hypoglycemic mind rambles.

What is the deal, here?

Ok, after having tremendous lows over the past week or so, I now cannot seem to be able to get my blood sugar under 200. Well, except when it randomly shoots extremely low and then shoots way back up again. This morning I woke with a 39 after being high ALL day yesterday, and then two hours later was almost to 300 and it is still lingering around 180ish (I know, not horrible, but why isn't my insulin working!!). I have changed nothing about my diet or my insulin. All I did was add in a little exercise.

I am so frustrated and am not having a very good diabetes week. The first 4 or 5 days on my CGMS, I was overjoyed and excited. I would flatline at around 100 and stay there just about all day. Now this week, I flatline around 200 and cannot get it down for anything.

Now that I am actually paying attention to my diabetes, I am realizing how truly confusing and complicated it all is. I hope I can keep this up for, for, well forever. Ugh.

Diabetes Just Plain Sucks!

I know, I know...we all know this. I suppose that since the time I became "born again" I have tried to stay very optimistic, although I am sure it hasn't always seemed that way...but internally, I have.

I guess I hit a lull yesterday. I am trying to get back on track exercising, but what is really the point?? I eat well all day and then attempt to exercise and my bloodsugar drops so low that I have to eat a hamburgers worth of calories just to get it back to a level where I can actually function. I am still playing with how exercise, food and everything else works in my body, but it is SO frustrating! I feel like I should know this since I have had diabetes for 17 years, but I have to keep reminding myself of that big 15 year break that I took...

For example: Yesterday I woke up at 40-something, had a low around 4ish and then for supper I was 178 and I ate and took no insulin for supper and then went to exercise: 52, then 42...AND I woke up low again this morning. I think I had about 3 juices (400 calories) , 8 glucose tabs (120 calories), 7 hard candies (140 calories) and a banana (100 calories) to equal a whopping 760 extra calories!! Ugh, now that is depressing.

I think my body is really finally adjusting to having really great blood sugars and so I need to adjust my basals to make sure I don't get all of these lows, but then I am afraid I will get the highs. And to me, the highs are worse! I absolutely love my CGMS, although it has really really brought out the perfectionist in me, as I kind of knew that it would. So when I see that blood sugar creaping up, I react to it, even when maybe I should just let it all stabilize on its own. I would rather have lows than highs, because well, we are aiming for a LOWER A1c, right?? (of course yesterday I didn't have my CGMS connected because my 6 days was up and well, I was delaying having to inject that ginormous needle into my stomach). If you give me numbers and goals, I just go crazy with them and try to make sure it happens, especially now that I can pretty much keep track of where my blood sugar is all day long.

I just became overwhelmed after we got back from the gym because it seems like I try so hard to do the right thing and it just doesn't work out. I know the low didn't help my attitude, but it was my first real "diabetes just plain sucks" funk. Goodness, it really really does. To have to monitor and track everything you eat all day long, as well as every bit of activity you do, as well as stress, the weather and the changes of the moon just for plain survival can become a pretty daunting task, if I do say so myself! It is overwhelming and not so fun. But you all know that one...

Also, as I told you earlier, I got my CareLink USB to download my info...well, I don't think the software works with Vista. Talk about disappointing!!! I tried to download it like 6 times AFTER I knew it wouldnt' work, haha! I thought it might eventually just feel sorry for me and decide it would work just for me. So far that hasn't worked, though...

Today I am back on the CGMS, and my blood sugar has gone from 52 this morning, to almost 300 and hopefully it is on its way back down now...however slowly as it may be traveling... I'll just have to make sure that I eat more before working out so I don't have to eat so much AFTER!

It is a work in progress, but isn't it always...

Officially CGMing AND "sighting my toosh"!!!

Ok, so I accomplished two HUGE goals yesterday!! One, I got hooked up to my CGMS, and two, I put a site in my toosh!! Yay!

CGMS
Ok, I am so excited! As of right now, after 13 hours on my Minimed CGMS, I love it! Last night at 5:30, the trainer from MiniMed came over to my house to get me set up. Ms. MiniMedwas extremely nice and very helpful! I even learned a few more pump tricks! After going through all of the details on how it works and how I have to set up, we got started with putting the sensor in.

I am not going to lie, I had been looking at that big long huge needle since she arrived...ok, since before that and I was pretty terrified of sticking it into my stomach fat. Memories of my first time using my QuickSerter came flying back, except this needle is twice as long and seems to be twice as thick!! Oh the pressure was on...I just didn't think I could do it.

I loaded it up into the trigger thing and was all ready, or was I?? No way was I going to push that little white button that would result in this huge thing flying into my stomach that resembled nothing other than jumping off a fence and landing on a nail!! Ok, ok. I held it in place, made the very loud groaning noise that has become a necessity for each site change and click. Once again, not so bad!

But, I did bleed and I think the words "a lot" came out of Ms. MiniMed's mouth...eek! Why do I feel like I am going to be completely drained of all of my blood if I bleed anywhere other than my finger tips?? Is it just me? But it was fine and it stopped bleeding and everything is working fantastically.

Sure, it isn't completely accurate, but I don't think it has been off by more than around 40 points yet, so that is pretty good for me. Although, I haven't eaten a huge meal quite yet. Oh, and have I mentioned that the charts are totally cool!! So I am very excited to have my new little addition!! I know it will help me to stay on track, too, which is extremely important!

New Site Spot
While Ms. MiniMed was there, I mentioned that I ONLY put my sites in my tummy. Well, apparently that was taken as a challenge for me to explore new options!!! So, for the very first time in my life, I have a site in my toosh...and yep, I am converted!!! No more white circles all over my stomach and no more in the way sites!! Yay!!

So, all in all, yesterday was a very good day! My birthday weekend (now week??) was better than I ever thought it would be!

Memories from my Diagnosis

Wow. I recently read a post about sugar free jolly ranchers. The memories of my diagnosis came flooding back. It is so amazing how sometimes things come full circle.

I was 9 and my little sister was 7. It must have been a special occasion because Mom let us pick out a special treat for ourselves. You see, even before I knew what diabetes was or that it even existed my Mom made us eat very healthy. Treats were just that: treats. We were already on a diet of fresh fruit and lots of veggies. Sugary cereals were not even allowed within a mile of our house (we didn't tell her about the neighbors!).

I chose Jolly Ranchers. Green is my favorite. Not apple, not lime...green. It still is. I love to eat green goodies. I have no idea why. It isn't my favorite color, but is the color I choose when going for a sugary snack. Well, this bag of Jolly Ranchers only had one green. Let me also tell you that I save my favorites for last...a lesson my husband quickly learned when he would go to nibble on MY food after he was done with his own. If it is still on my plate it means DO NOT touch it because I am saving it for last! I do it with everything; I deliberately and carefully divide what I am eating into my favorites and my not so favorites and then eat them accordingly. So what if I am only left with the green jelly beans at the end, I prefer my favorites over variety.

So I saved my green jolly rancher. We could eat one a day after we ate our supper. I kept a close eye on it and as it got closer and closer to the end of the bag, my excitement grew. It was going to be soooo yummy and boy was I going to savor it!

Little did I know that a few jolly ranchers short of getting to taste that tempting green morsel of goodness I would be diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes and sugar in any form, amount or color would be an absolute no-no.

So what happened to it? My little sister got to eat my green jolly rancher, while I sat there and watched tearfully. Life was NOT fair and to me it was the end of the world...

...but it wasn't, and here we are. Not only can I eat as many "real" green Jolly Ranchers as my heart desires, but now there is an apparently pretty good sugar free variety as well, that will likely wreak much less havoc on my blood sugars, and my temptations!

Oh so low, then high in the sky!!

Ok, so here is the story that I teased you about yesterday:

At around 7:15 pm last night I decided to go for a little run with Bella. I checked my blood sugar and it was 162. Awesome! Good to go.

So Bella and I take off in the neighborhood. I left my pump on because I wasn't really sure about what to do when exercising with my pump and when I asked my EX-CDE she wouldn't really discuss it with me. I ran a bit at first but then Bella wouldn't really keep up, which is rather odd. She LOVES her walk/runs. I don't know if it was her new pinch collar that we use for training or whether she could sense something was not right, or whether she was just being a royal pain...but toward the end, we were barely walking she was being so difficult. Thank goodness...

I really didn't even feel like I was low until I turned onto the street that our house is on, but I was like 7 or 8 blocks away. That is when I realized that I really wasn't recognizing the houses around me, or the street signs and it was as if I was in a fog. I had already noticed that my shirt was pretty much soaked...but I was running...in South Louisiana.

I just tried to focus on the getting home. Even then I tried to tell myself I couldn't be low...I was just tired, and frustrated at my darn dog who was just stumbling along beside me. It was such a strange feeling, trying to hold on to reality...to even determine what WAS reality. Maybe that big bag that Bella was barking at like a mad dog really was some evil person peering at us slyly...and maybe the light in front of my house that was glowing like a globe was really just some little alien waiting for us to approach. It was as if I was dreaming some fanciful fairytale. I still don't remember the houses or the street names and I don't really know HOW I made it home, but I did.

7:55 pm - 31 YIKES! And that was after I finished my first juice. So I had another juice and 8 glucose tablets, which usually give me a horrible sugar headache and make me cringe but for some reason at that moment in time those orange powdery sugar tabs tasted about as good as a fantastic chocolate cake, with cherries, homemade vanilla ice cream AND whipped cream. I ended up eating about 60 carbs in all.

8:05 - 57
8:15 - 55
8:30 - 81
9:30 - 83
10:00 - 118, ate 15 grams of carbs and only bolused for half of that, giving .8 instead of 1.5 units

Whoo, good to go. Seems like I did everything right, WITHOUT going crazy with the food. I didn't even pull out the delicious buttercream frosting...I stuck to the basics, juice and glucose tabs.

Oh, but no...that would make way too much sense, wouldn't it!

4:00 am - I woke up feeling a tad nauseous and sluggish. I needed to use the restroom so I figured I might as well check my blood sugar, just to see what it was...and heck, I still love seeing my blood sugar just magically show up on my pump when I use my new UltraLink - 402 WHAT?!??

How in the world did that happen? I mean, two hours after correcting my low I was still only 118. Everything I had was fast acting and so should have already affected my blood sugar within the two hours that I ate it. Even if I didn't take enough for my snack before bed, it was only an extra 8 carbs that went unaccounted for, certainly not enough to raise my blood sugar 400 points. Am I missing something?? Maybe I was sleeping on my site or tubing wrong?? Or maybe I did just miscalculate?? Ugh. I should have just binged on something fantastic like my buttercream frosting...

Time to reveal the truth: My Secret

I came to a realization today: I am over the hump.

Not checking my blood sugar, not taking care of myself, and ignoring my diabetes is no longer a thought in my mind. It is no longer an option I consider. I feel like it has been years since I just breezed through life without a thought to my diabetes care; it feels like a lifetime ago. I'd be lying if I said that I don't struggle; we all do. I'd be lying if I said that my old temptations don't rise up every now and then. But now they just rise and then they fall again, without me needing to force them out of my mind; they no longer linger...for days. They are merely a passing whisper that just fades away. I figure now that I am over it, it is ok to tell you my secret. I'll probably regret it as soon as I do, but if I am going to keep my promise to be honest, then it is just something that has to be done.

My secret: My biggest struggle with gaining control over my diabetes, was getting over what I have recently found out is called 'dia bulemia'. I don't like the word. I prefered when there wasn't a name...I don't feel there is a word to describe it. It was nice to realize I was not alone, but it made me incredibly sad and scared, as well. I wish I was the only one.

I'd be lying if I said that I was completely happy and at ease with the weight I have put on. I'm not. I try not to glance in the mirror when I pass one so I don't tear up and get discouraged. My mind fills with negative thoughts about myself, so I just try to stay away. It's hard. It has been a struggle for me since I was around 12 or 13, maybe even earlier than that. That is when these demons first showed me their ugly heads. I was stick thin but thought I was horribly fat. I promise you, I most certainly was not. I was a bony little thing. I only know that now because I have pictures to prove it. My mind would certainly have fooled you. That is the time when I realized that not only would insulin save my life, but not taking it would make me thin. I don't understand it and chances are I never will, but it has been a struggle that I have fought for a long time.

When I was still at home, it was hard, because Mom still monitored me. I couldn't just get away with it. I would binge on sugar at night...bread rolled with all the sugar that would fit in the middle...and then take insulin to get me down for the morning. Little did I know that wouldn't really work. I even tried suffering through lows for as long as I could stand it so that my A1c (an 'average') would not be high. That doesn't work either.

My parents found out when we went on a beach vacation. I wanted to look thin(ner than I was) in a bathing suit, so I took even less than usual. After moving all of the luggage in and upstairs, I was just so tired. I went to the bathroom and passed out, hitting my head on the sink. They had no idea, but I had to confess my sins then. I can't even imagine what went through their minds. But something tells me that at that moment, it all made sense. My crazy blood sugars and A1c's. They knew, and I couldn't take it back.

To be honest, I barely remember the story. I don't think about it; I don't go back there. I just went through the motions. It is hard to think about it now; it is hard to imagine I was that person. I am that person. I know that eventually I just stopped taking my insulin altogether...only enough to keep me barely alive. My poor parents would try to force me to, but I wouldn't do it. There were times when the would beg me to...plead with me, but I wouldn't. I couldn't. I don't know why, and I don't understand it well enough to explain.

In high school and my first years of college I was in and out of hospitals close to 20 times from DKA. When I started college my parents made me go to a doctor two or three times a week so they could check my ketones. When I would get admitted to the hospital, the nurses had such a horrible time getting an IV in me. Thinking about it makes me cringe! They would try just about every vein and then finally one would work. There were times I admitted myself and discharged myself without anyone stopping by. It was the same routine; why should anyone visit? The day that I would get out is the day that I would stop taking my insulin again.

Eventually I stopped going to doctors; heck, why bother. I was killing myself. I don't know how I made it, but God obviously had his hand on my back, guiding me and keeping me safe. There is no other explanation. I even wrote notes in my journal in case I died. I guess they were like farewell notes to my family. I wrote out all the things I loved about them, for them to find when my body gave up. I never told anyone that before...

I became so thin, probably at one point under 90 lbs, or at least close to it. I didn't know how thin I really was until a few years after when I was looking at pictures. I really had no idea; how could I not know? I don't even know how that could make sense. It doesn't.

I was so weak. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stand. I couldn't eat. I'd get the worst chills and nothing would keep me warm. I'd throw up from being in DKA constantly. My hair fell out. There were times I couldn't shower without sitting down. I couldn't stand without almost blacking out. I don't know how I did it. I have no idea what possessed me.

I've tried to "get better" before, but then I would gain the weight and become completely discouraged. I'd hate myself. My way of dealing with stress had always been to eat tons of sugar, to raise my blood sugar...to numb out. But I couldn't do that...or if I did, I had to deal with the calories. That has also always been my way to "diet"...to eat tons of sweets, so that was always my first thought and I would often succumb to it, resulting in me giving up. I still do that when I am stressed...I go for the sugar.

I have had people ask me why I did it. I have no explanation other than I suppose different people react differently to things and well, no one's life is identical to another's. My life was already tightly controlled by my diabetes and once my parents found out, it became much much more controlled (as it should have); I rebelled against that. My older brother passed away when he was 8; I was 5. So naturally, my parents did everything they could to keep me 'under control'; maybe that played a role, who knows. Maybe it is just some flaw in my brain. Sometimes I think about what I would tell others to help prevent it, but I have no advice. I would probably have done exactly what my Mom did, but in my mind the more control I had over me, the worse I got. I felt so trapped. I felt like I was in a small cage and had no escape. No logic can explain it because it isn't logical.

After years of that, it just became common-place. It was no longer a conscious decision to neglect my care; it was just what I did. I just went through the motions. I was too scared to deal with any other alternative. I was never ready to deal with the consequences of what I did to my body. It all began over 15 years ago. I don't even know how that is possible; I don't know how it got that out of hand. But somehow it did, and I am happy to say that part of my life is over; it's done with. I have finally conquered the beast!

I am happy that I am now strong enough to not let it consume me and that I no longer allow it to control my actions, but it still gets me down and the pain is still there. I don't know why. I still feel like it is bigger than me. I know it will take time, but I just wish it would go away. I know it has only been around 4 months, but I am so ready. One day it will go away, just like I got over this first hump, I will also get over the next. Right? I suppose for now that is my dream, and I am holding onto it with everything I have! I have to.