Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Fallen off the Wagon...

Well, as some of you may have guessed by my absence, I haven't been the best about my diabetes care lately. Honestly, I think it all stemmed with my latest A1C. I think it was in August. It wasn't as horrible as it used to be, but it was about .2 higher than my last, and I had been trying SO hard to do well and keep things under control, but it didn't work. I feel like the goal of getting that number under 7 is impossible. I struggle too much on a daily basis to regularly do well. I mean, I can do well for weeks and weeks, and then for a few days I just stop. I don't check my blood sugar and I eat whatever I want, when I want, without bolusing accordingly.

How do I change that?? When I am motivated, I am so motivated. But when I struggle, I throw it ALL out of the window. I have recently decided that I am what I like to call "passionate" and I am very much a person of extremes. I also think I am very logical, but I have an obsessive personality and I over analyze just about everything. When I am happy, I am very happy and I take in the little things in life, but when I am mad, I get very angry, although it doesn't last very long. When I do well, I am perfect...maybe too perfect to sustain, and when I do poorly, I let everything go. I am obsessive in the sense that when I am doing well, in regards to blood sugar, dieting or exercise, I think about it constantly and don't give myself any slack. I can't stand it when my blood sugar is off for what seems to be no reason at all because it doesn't make sense. I don't like things that I can't control!! I am sure many of you share many of those same frustrations...

Why can't I find a happy medium in all of this. Why can't I do well without fearing that at any second my blood sugar will rise for no reason and I will lose all control over it. Why can't I accept the fact that I will NEVER be perfect in regards to my diabetes...or I guess anything else! I don't like to lose control over things; it scares me.

I am not going to return to deliberately making my blood sugar high, but I don't even want to be in a place where I can just "give up" when the going gets tough. I want to be in that place where there are no excuses and you just do as well as you can and just keep fighting. But how do I get there without feeling overwhelmed and frustrated? Does the frustration ever go away??

The last time I put my sensor in, I must admit, I did a lot better. I didn't let the information overload overwhelm me like I had in the past. I let it guide me and instead of checking my blood sugar 15 times per day, I just let myself trust that the sensor was doing its job and only checked when I needed to. I think if I just keep my sensor in and treating it as a tool to help guide me instead of something that I need to constantly be on top of and to keep checking to make sure my blood sugar is perfect at every second, I will do ok...

I suppose that is my plan. I am just ready to be alright with all of this and accept it for what it is, but I don't feel like this is ever even possible... I'll try to do better checking in on here. I know that always keeps me motivated :~)

5 comments:

Karen said...

I agree - it's so easy to get so consumed with trying to do well that it takes over your life, and then it's impossible to keep going like that, so you burn out and chuck it all. I get like that too - just tired of it all and not wanting to try so hard. I wish we could find a good balance. Hopefully the CGMs will help you with that!

carol said...

Hi Suzanne, I'm also a "recovering perfectionist", so can really relate to your post. The thing that has helped me the most is to realize that God is perfect, but no human is, and to allow Him to love me in spite of myself and regardless of what others may think. I know that is all mushy and religious sounding, but really knowing and accepting that is what has helped me to march on. Not that my "recovery" from perfectionism is perfect either...but why should it be? Just know that you have company on the journey, and you are not alone in dealing with these feelings.

Nikki said...

I am kind here myself! Let me know if you figure it out :)

Cara said...

I understand the all or nothing mentality. I have that too often in my life. Don't get discouraged. Just take it one day at a time. :)

Patti said...

Hi Suzanne, I have "lurked" on your blog for the last few months off and on. I am with you on this post. I am so ashamed when I don't do what I am supposed to do. But it seems like the days when I do are extremely few and far between. Hang in there. Thank you for sharing. It helps me. Sincerely, Patti from Livonia, MI