Friday, April 4, 2008

Here's how it went...

Ok, first let me say that I am still excited that I got some new info on carb counting and have some goals set. My new dietician also helped me to come up with my max calories and max carbs for weight loss. So that was very good and I am still encouraged by that. Also, she is very very nice and is also a T1, so I know that she at least understand what I am dealing with. I have honestly not really met another T1...

However, when I got there, my dietician took my meter and pump to get my bs, which was of course fine. Not all of my bs are on my pump, though, because if my blood sugar is fine and I am not eating (like every single morning, unless it is high), I don't put it in my pump. Also, as those of you who keep up with my blogs know, I haven't been at 100%, meaning, I have had some days where I struggled a lot and became very discouraged...I've had bouts of several days like that. I mean, let's be real here, I have gone from basically not checking my blood sugar AT ALL for six months or more, to trying to start all over. I have finally learned that I am not going to be perfect, and that that is ok. I am not going to set myself up for failure...again. I've done that for years. Well, when she returned after uploading the sugars from my pump and she brought in the CDE, as well...

I felt as though the CDE was being so confrontational, one: without even having any reason and if she did, she didn't clue me in on it, and two: without first realizing she didn't even have all of my blood sugars. If you have a question for me, I am a very intelligent adult. Just ask me. I still don't know what she was trying to accomplish or even what she was trying to figure out, but she barely listened to what I had to say when explaining my reasons for the random things she pointed, "oh I see here you suspended your pump for 3 and a half hours..." Yea, I more than likely I took it off for my shower, forgot to rehook it immediately, grabbed it on my way out of the door and stuck it in my purse, where I forgot about it again, until I realize, oops!! and plugged it back in. Sorry, but it happens! But she didn't listen to anything I had to say; she would even talk over my explanations!

I am not perfect and I never will be, but at least have the decency to treat me like a responsible adult who just so happens to be human, too. OH, and yea, one who is also making big time readjustments to getting back on track. I would be lying if I didn't say that sometimes, I have a really really hard time and it takes everything in me to make the choice to keep staying strong and trying to stay healthy, but I do it. Be proud of that, don't point out all of the little things that aren't perfect, especially without giving me the chance to explain them. I already feel so judged when I go to see a CDE...this just made it so much worse for me.

I made the appointment today because I knew I was messing up on carb counting and meal boluses, so I know by bs are all over the place, so don't throw assumed accusations at me when I am doing what I feel I need to do...becoming more educated so the goof ups don't happen!

I am sorry about the rant, but I am just so frustrated that I have felt like I have been doing pretty well (for me) but what I am NOT doing is getting noticed, instead of all of the strides that I have made...but, I guess that is life, and I am proud of myself and sometimes that is all it needs to take.


Donna said...

Hi Suzanne,
I saw a comment you had made on Cara's blog & thought I would stop by & say hi.

Hey, don't feel bad about the CDE appointment. I wish she hadn't been so hard on you. We're hard enough on ourselves without someone else pointing out those things to us, aren't we? I've had diabetes a long time, too, and I know I'm not perfect. But I try to do the right things and I know you do, too. Don't let it get you down. Blessings to you.

~Suzanne~ said...

Thanks Donna! I know that she was likely doing what she thought was best, but I just wish CDE's would realize how hurtful the way they approach us can be. I want to go to someone who is encouraging and thoughtful. I guess my main frustration was that she didn't even give me a chance to explain things before jumping down my throat and came at me in an accusatory manner instead of a "let's sit down and figure this out" type of way. There just wasn't any need for it.

But, I know that I have tons of people supporting me here! =:~)

Jeff said...

Hi Suzanne.

Congratulations on making up your mind to get back on track! Smart move.

It sounds like the CDE might need to be shown the door. My #1 criteria for health professionals is that their ears need to be bigger than their mouths, not the other way around.

It's nice to see another blogger with such a positive attitude.

Carol said...

Hi Suzanne,

Thanks for your comment on my blog, and welcome to the club of "recovering perfectionists". You are doing an awesome job of relaunching your diabetes care and facing some of the things that have been holding you back on that in the past! As for the CDE, it takes maturity to realize that the confrontational approach may be good for some, but it's definitely bad for those of us who are hard enough on ourselves anyway. Hopefully she will realize that somewhere along the way. I still hate that feeling of turning my meter over to a stranger,even though I know intellectuatlly they are paid to help me. But having another perspective on the numbers is valuable. Anyway, congrats on abandoning perfection in favor of giving yourself permission to start each day with a quest to take steps towards better health, regardless of what happened yesterday.