Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I've Figured It Out!

Well, the good news is that everything that I was going through, the ups, the downs, and the highs and the lows are apparently all just plain normal. I've come to realize that even though my blood sugar may not be perfect 100% of the time does not mean that I am doing something wrong. It means I correct the blood sugar and move on. That's it. I don't need to judge myself or my effort or feel as though this is impossible. Sometimes, the impossible is ok. It's just how it is.

The bad news is that everyone out there gets just as frustrated as I do, and I am certainly sorry for that. It sucks. It is so scary to be managing an impossible thing (I don't like the word disease) that has so much control over your health and your life and your well being and your entire future. But, all we can do is what we can do.

I got frustrated with it all. I took out my sensor and I tried to just give up. But I can't do that now. Giving up for me is just another impossibility in my life. It used to be so easy, but now I honestly just cannot do it. Each time the thought crosses my mind, I see a little baby somewhere and know that I can't. Every time I try to just not care, I see a picture of my husband and mself and know that it just isn't going to work.

I think taking out the sensor was a good thing. Having the sensor in gave me a new meaning to diabetes 24/7. It was too much. I think I just need to use them in phases. Do my 6 days and then take a few days off, for my sanity's sake! It was a good thing to have it. I really absolutely love it, but having some freedom from my diabetes is good too.

We may not have a cure for diabetes in the sense that it all just goes away, but all I can do is utilize the amazing things that we DO have to make sure that my body stays healthy. I need to just suck it up and do it. Stop thinking the negative thoughts all the time and just know that I just have to do it. I have no argument against that. None of the negative thinking and judgmental thoughts or getting frustrated about my weight helps or works or does any good at all, so why waste my precious time dealing with it. There is no point. (although, I know this is easier said than done. My constant negative internal dialogue has been running for 20 years now, I don't expect it to stop immediately, but it is a goal I tend to work toward!)

I am going to try my best to just change the way I think about things. When I get frustrated, I am just going to tell myself that it is ok to not be perfect. I am not perfect, but it is within my own power to do the things I want, to accomplish the goals that I have for myself and to be who I want to be. Life doesn't happen to us. We are in charge of our own destiny. Things may certainly go wrong and there will always be hard times in life and in diabetes, but the way we respond to those things is within our own control and all we can do is strive to make the right decisions. We've just got to do the best that we can.

Thanks for all of your comments and support that has helped me to come to this realization. I know I am not the only one who gets frustrated, and it is nice to feel like a normal person with diabetes. It has honestly been a long time!


Jeff said...

Hi Suzanne. It's refreshing to see words like "We are in charge of our own destiny," and "the way we respond to...things is within our own control."

That kind of positive attitude is very nearly as important to managing T1 diabetes as self testing and taking insulin.

Anonymous said...

Agreed.. with everything you said. Attitude plays such a huge role in managing diabetes, and I'm so glad to see that you are taking a positive approach!!! It's a difficult thing to manage when you know you can't be perfect 24/7, but the fact that there are people, like you, doing the best they can to manage diabetes and also have a positive outlook encourages me - thank you! :)

Katie I. said...

Suzanne, the attitude you now have is EXACTLY how to get ahold of the craziness of T1. There are so many things that we can't control or that we don't even know about that end up showing up in our numbers in one way or another. For example, the highs you experienced last week could have been related to hormones, a vial of insulin that wasn't quite as effective as the last, etc., etc.... My mom recently told me that my bg would spike for a few days when I was little if I was getting ready to lose a tooth! So who knows.
I am so glad that you are not going to blame yourself for these things anymore. Jeff is absolutely right-- attitude is just as important as doing all the other things.

Donna said...

Suzanne - I'm glad you're looking at things so positively. That's such a good thing. No sense making ourselves sick with worry, right? Thanks for encouraging us so much. :)

Rach said...

I recently had a similar "revelation." My last a1c didn't improve despite all my hard work. so you know what, I'm not going to live for a good a1c. I'm just going to have as many good days as possible, work hard, and be ok when I screw up or when bad sugars crop up. Good for you, Suzanne!