Well, the good news is that everything that I was going through, the ups, the downs, and the highs and the lows are apparently all just plain normal. I've come to realize that even though my blood sugar may not be perfect 100% of the time does not mean that I am doing something wrong. It means I correct the blood sugar and move on. That's it. I don't need to judge myself or my effort or feel as though this is impossible. Sometimes, the impossible is ok. It's just how it is.
The bad news is that everyone out there gets just as frustrated as I do, and I am certainly sorry for that. It sucks. It is so scary to be managing an impossible thing (I don't like the word disease) that has so much control over your health and your life and your well being and your entire future. But, all we can do is what we can do.
I got frustrated with it all. I took out my sensor and I tried to just give up. But I can't do that now. Giving up for me is just another impossibility in my life. It used to be so easy, but now I honestly just cannot do it. Each time the thought crosses my mind, I see a little baby somewhere and know that I can't. Every time I try to just not care, I see a picture of my husband and mself and know that it just isn't going to work.
I think taking out the sensor was a good thing. Having the sensor in gave me a new meaning to diabetes 24/7. It was too much. I think I just need to use them in phases. Do my 6 days and then take a few days off, for my sanity's sake! It was a good thing to have it. I really absolutely love it, but having some freedom from my diabetes is good too.
We may not have a cure for diabetes in the sense that it all just goes away, but all I can do is utilize the amazing things that we DO have to make sure that my body stays healthy. I need to just suck it up and do it. Stop thinking the negative thoughts all the time and just know that I just have to do it. I have no argument against that. None of the negative thinking and judgmental thoughts or getting frustrated about my weight helps or works or does any good at all, so why waste my precious time dealing with it. There is no point. (although, I know this is easier said than done. My constant negative internal dialogue has been running for 20 years now, I don't expect it to stop immediately, but it is a goal I tend to work toward!)
I am going to try my best to just change the way I think about things. When I get frustrated, I am just going to tell myself that it is ok to not be perfect. I am not perfect, but it is within my own power to do the things I want, to accomplish the goals that I have for myself and to be who I want to be. Life doesn't happen to us. We are in charge of our own destiny. Things may certainly go wrong and there will always be hard times in life and in diabetes, but the way we respond to those things is within our own control and all we can do is strive to make the right decisions. We've just got to do the best that we can.
Thanks for all of your comments and support that has helped me to come to this realization. I know I am not the only one who gets frustrated, and it is nice to feel like a normal person with diabetes. It has honestly been a long time!
4 weeks ago