Friday, July 18, 2008

Looking back on being "born again"

You know, that CGMS sure can be a pain when I have it on... I have to be careful not to pull it, bump it, tug it... I have to keep my pump within range of it and my tubing from looping around it... But those days that I don't wear it I sure miss the ease of just looking down to make sure I am on track.

I know it isn't always accurate, but I am not convinced my meter is all that accurate either. It's the trends I care about. I just feel kind of off and worried when I don't have it on because I don't know what my blood sugar is (around). It is amazing how I am so reliant on it now. Never in my life did I think I could be so focused on my blood sugar. I went from not checking one time for years to becoming worried and stressed if I don't know what it is at every minute of the day. How did that happen??

I must say, I feel good. I feel happy. I feel ALIVE! Last year at this time I was still too weak because of my constant Highs to climb stairs, take a shower, go on vacation or do things with friends. Laughing exhausted me. Smiling for long periods of time drained me. Half of the time I didn't argue with people because I didn't have the energy, certainly not because I didn't have an opinion. I was just there, existing but never really LIVING.

My life has changed in so many ways and not one of them is bad. Not only can I walk up a flight of stairs, but I can hike up mountains. I can dance at every commercial with music without the fear of getting faint; I can laugh for hours and I can smile for days...and I DO. I certainly have the energy to argue my point (poor Brad ;)) and I feel like my options in life are endless.

I feel like I am not only a Born Again Diabetic, but I am Born Again. I have a new life, new hopes, new dreams. The world doesn't scare me like it used to. I can dream about being a Mom without curling into a ball and crying because I know now that it IS possible. I can dream about my children growing up and I can even dream about having grandchildren one day. I feel like I have a life ahead of me, instead of constantly fearing a life of misery and complications.

Let me be honest, I am realistic about my future and I have done some horrible things to my body. For the first time in over 15 years my A1C is under 9 or 10 and I know it has crept up to around 15 and stayed there for at least several years when I was at my lowest point and when I had completely surrendered to my diabulemia, so complications are not out of the realm of possibility, but I am ok with that now. I know I don't have to let that fear debilitate me and I won't. YOU have all shown me what I can do and who I can be. I have proof right here everyday and I am reminded always that we are in control of our lives. I also have a husband who encourages me every day just by being there. We are a team and I feel like I have to keep going because if I fail, I am failing him and our future family. We get to make our own choices, good or bad, and we have to live with the consequences of that. I am prepared to do that.

I can only live for today and tomorrow and I can't change my past. I can only improve the chances for my future and hopefully help others to see that they also have a future ahead of them, they just have to take the opportunity to grab it and hold on tight!


Minnesota Nice said...

What a fabulous post!!! Bless you!!!
I've had db for 34 years and didn't have a hint of control until about 8 years ago. I too still fear that the damage has been done, but, living in the present is the only thing we have that's real.
I wish you continued success - you are an inspirational person. You go girl!!

..M.. said...

Definitely inspirational - and here's to your bright future! :)

Araby62 said...

More rooting for you from the peanut gallery (hey, they won't spike your BG) :) You can do it!