Maybe my cell just felt neglected??

Ahhhh, finally!! After our two week extremely competitive phone tag run, my endo and I finally got it together and I now have my results... I think maybe my cell noticed that "other contraption" that was always attached to me and that I rarley forgot, or left behind, but since I decided to hold my cell firmly on my hip opposite that little square beeping thing, it decided to cooperate and let the doc on through to me... I mean, really, I was about to give up all hope of actually hearing from my endo until I had my next appointment in two weeks anyway, but I really was about to lose my mind playing the waiting game!

So, A1c, still good at 5.3. I know, those numbers still don't make complete sense to me... I mean, I don't know that it can really be possible, but my endo says it is and he's in charge... as far as my test results go, anyway. He again teased me and said it was great, as long as my fingers are holding out okay ;) I never knew endocrinologists could be funny... and nice, even!!! I can definitely get used to this 'no fussing' thing...

Protein is still there... it has slowly increased over the course of my pregnancy and is now at 211 (not sure which measurement this is, but it started at 53 pre-preg, then 163, then 200 last month... I think it's creatine?... I know I should know this, but Mr. Google isn't my friend anyway...). He doesn't seem concerned and we are just keeping an eye on it. I am doing my second tri 24 hour urine now so hopefully that will also come out as stable...

And tah dah, welcome new diagnosis!! My thyroid levels are now at 2.07, which means I need to go on a very low dose of thyroid medication for hypothyroidism or hashimotos. They have also slowly increased (or decreased as thyroid production goes) so we are going to keep a close eye on this as well and I will talk to my ob/gyn this Friday on what this means for Baby Bou and me...

But, overall things are still good, just more things to watch closely. As long as Baby Bou is in there safe and sound, I'm fine... for the most part. Well, okay, I'm nervous lately... maybe even a little freaked out and hypersensitive to things. Here's what happened:

My mom called me on my way to work on Monday after I had a bad case of pregnancy brain and forgot to pick up my 24 hr urine test oh, let me see... three times. Which means I now have to do this during the week instead of comfortably during the weekend, but I'll do whatever it takes... Anyway, Mom apparently thought Mr. Google was HER friend and called me in a bit of a panic when she found preeclampsia out there in cyber space. Now, I haven't hidden any information from her and have told her some common risks associated with diabetes and pregnancy, so I don't know how her search started or why exactly, but she informed me that preeclampsia can start after 20 weeks and is "very serious" (right, because I didn't already know this and somehow needed to be reminded... and maybe even that little thin string I've been grasping to keep me from falling into worried hysterics might need to be snapped... ) So... needless to say I temporarilty thought Mr. Google might be MY friend, too, which only led to me freaking out a bit and worrying like crazy and since then, I have been getting a little more stressed about things, but I'm doing my absolute best to keep my worry wart in check, hard as it may be.

So yea, overall, I am doing well... and Baby Bou says she is, too... as evidenced by her little tip taps as I type this :) I'll keep you updated on any new developments, but I am hopeful that there won't be any!

22 weeks and Counting!!

Gosh, where has the time gone!?! I feel like it was just yesterday that we found out we are having a precious girl and here it is almost a whole month later! Here are some updates on what has been going on in our growing home:

For the past 5 weeks, I have had a doctor's appointment (or two) every week. Crazy, I know, but it keeps me on track and it keeps me calm, just to know that all is as it should be! One of these included my opthalmologist to check my eyes. In 2002 I had laser surgery for retinopathy, so seeing the eye doctor is always a little scary, especially now that I am pregnant, since pregnancy can cause retinopathy to get worse... but, all was the same as it has been for the past 8 years! I am honestly shocked and almost don't believe the doc when she tells me this each time. I mean, how could that be?! I thought I was going blind when I found out about my retinopathy and even after the laser surgery I wasn't in ideal control... I mean, not even until just this past year has my A1C been under 7... for the first time in my life as a diabetic. All I can say for this is it is never too late... and well, God sure is darn good!!!

Another of these appointments was my endo... who I have now been successfully playing phone tag with for 2 weeks. So, needless to say I don't know what my new A1C is or whether the always present protein in my urine is remaining stable, but if it was bad, he'd make sure to get in touch with me, right?! I'll be seeing him again in 2 weeks anyway, but I am hoping I don't have to wait that long. Cell phone is officially attached to my hip, opposite my pump :)

Then, last week was the maternal-fetal specialist and we had another ultrasound. Good news all around!! She's doing great! Her heart looks wonderful, so do her kidneys and her brain and she is measuring in at around the 40th percentile... which is smaller than average, but we weren't expecting any miracles, since I am 5'2 and her Daddy is around 5'9 (or something like that ;)). It was great to see her again and her Mimsie (my Mom) was able to join us for our little preview! She yawned twice and was busy sucking her little hand almost the entire time... goodness I am in love with that little girl!!

In other news, we painted her room this weekend and picked out some fabric for her bedding, curtains, etc.!! We are just going neutral with paint colors, because we will eventually want to sell the house and don't want to make it to "personalized"... and well, the neutral will look nice. It is called Toasted Almond ;) I'll have to take a picture of the fabric swatches we got. They are basically a deeper pink, brown and green. We also picked up her crib... although it is still in the box until the room is finished being painted.

I can't believe I am putting together a nursery!!! She has also started to kick a lot more, which is such a relief!! I was getting quite impatient! I think it was around the day after Thanksgiving when she started moving around more and she hasn't stopped yet... although on days where I am very busy (like this weekend) I don't feel her quite as much as I do when sitting in my office at work...

So, that's my update! All is well in the Baby Bou household... we are 22 weeks, so officially over the halfway mark and expect to have her around the beginning of April, if all continues to go well!

I hope you are all enjoying this wonderful Christmas season... I can't wait for Santa next year!!!!

Preparing Our 'Nest'

Things have been going really well. Ever since we've found out we are having a girl, it's been fun to say "she" and know that we will be seeing lots of pink... and probably our fair share of drama in our future ;) We could not be more excited to meet her...although, I still have a pretty long time! I am now in my fifth month (crazy, I know!) and am just about halfway there... which seems like a long time to me!

Brad and I have been trying very hard to start organizing our home in preparation for our new addition and so that is definitely keeping us busy. This whole "nesting" thing is definitely real!!! I've enjoyed cooking more, although I have always enjoyed it, and I am actually getting pretty good about throwing out or donating things that I no longer need... that in itself is pretty remarkable!!

It's actually pretty fun to see the home that was perfect for us as a newly married couple become the first home for our wonderful little family. We've already painted and organized our guest room and next we are moving into our hall and clearing out what is to be the nursery, a.k.a. our junk room/office. YIKES! So, I'll be spending this weekend going through things I have long forgotten existed and the beginnings of preparing little girl's room her arrival!!

Who knew organizing, cleaning, sorting, etc. could be so much fun?!? ;)

Baby Bou is a ....

Wow, what a whirlwind of a day yesterday was!! Waiting for the appointment was absolute torture, but I had no idea how stressful it would be once we actually got there. It was a big day and we were mostly just two curious parents waiting to find out whether it was a little boy or girl that was changing our lives forever... but they were also checking the baby's development and all of our little one's organs, including kidneys, brain, heart, and the markers for downs syndrome. So needless to say, it was a bit stressful.

They took us in pretty quickly, thank goodness, because I think Brad and I were both about to just bust with excitement!! The u/s tech met us in the room and we got all set up. And there our little baby was, gosh Baby Bou looked so big since our 9w u/s and the baby looked perfect and it was so wonderful to see our precious little gift again.

The first thing the tech asked us was whether we wanted to find out the gender of our cutie pie and of course we both exclaimed that we absolutely did! So, she moved the wand around my belly, got in position, and said, "Well, it looks like it's a GIRL!"

I think the room went silent and Brad and I both just stared at the screen... we are both so very excited and just can't wait to see what great things this little girl will bring us! Thankfully, we did not wait to find out because right after that, she decided to cross her little legs and sit on her hands, just like a proper little lady should! :)

After that we started the rest of the scan and the tech showed us all of her little organs, of course without really letting us know whether they looked good or bad, which was the stressful part... but we enjoyed just watching our precious girl move around. The doctor then came in and checked everything for himself and said from what he can see, she looks good and there is nothing from the ultrasound to worry about and he couldn't see any of the typical markers for Downs Syndrome, but he does want us to come back in 3 weeks from now to get another view of her heart, since she wasn't cooperating to his liking and didn't get all the views he wanted, but from what he could see, all was well! From here on out we will get an ultrasound every 4 weeks to make sure all continues to go well... I am so spoiled ;)

So, that's our news!! Great ultrasound, great day, and we have a wonderful baby girl on the way! Brad has his first date speech already prepared for that first little boy who shows up to our house, and has already contemplated what age is appropriate to start dating... Haha!! Brad is going to be an amazing Daddy :)

So, here she is:

Happy D-Blog Day! All of my fears are shattered...

I have never felt less like a person with diabetes in my life. I feel like all my dreams are coming true, and that diabetes really has not hindered me in any way whatsoever. All those fears I had, and still have, that I could never be "normal", never accomplish my dreams, never find someone to love me, or the fear that I would never become a Mom... all those fears are shattered, they are gone like the dreams they were supposed to deny me of.

I cannot believe I am here today and I am healthy, so happy, married to a wonderful man, and expecting a precious child. I don't know what is to come and I know that complications and additional struggles will likely come my way, but that's okay. Everyone has struggles, they are just different for each person.

Sure, I am on cloud nine right now because in oh, about 24 hours I have my next ultrasound to find out the sex of our baby, so I'm pumped! And I still know that the anatomy scan may show things that I am not prepared for, but I've done a good job controlling my blood sugars as much as I can... I hope. But for this minute in time, I just want to get lost in the feeling of being a totally normal woman who is expecting a totally normal and healthy child and whose life is about to totally change as we find out whether we are welcoming a son or daughter into this world... a world where anyone's dreams can come true, no matter who tries to quash them with fears of the unknown...

Diabetes has not killed me, it has only made me stronger, and I am such a true believer in that!!

Happy D-Blog Day 2009!!

Anticipation for Tuesday and Baby Bump :)

This coming Tuesday is a really big day. Not only do we find out the gender of this little one, but we also get the full anatomy scan to make sure Baby Bou is developing as he/she should be. Also, at my last appointment with my OB, they drew my blood for the quad screening, which gives us the chances that the baby will have any neural tube defects, cystic fibrosis, down's syndrome, and I think a few other things.

Everything was negative, except for Down's Syndrome, which showed up positive with the baby's risk at 1:300 of having it. Now, I know that with those chances, there is a 99.6% chance that everything is perfectly fine, but any positive result is scary, so I am even more anxious for this next appointment. I am scared, but I am not stressing over this. I know this test is really not that accurate and people get much higher chances all the time and have healthy babies... and really, there isn't anything I can do about it. They will look for markers of Downs in the ultrasound and we will take it from there. We have decided we do not want an amnio to confirm anything even if the ultrasound shows positive markder because even although the risk is small, I do not want any chance of miscarriage. Anyway, regardless of what the tests say, this baby will be so loved and will be so special to us; all we can do is prepare our home and our lives for a baby with special needs, if we have to... but like I said, I will not worry until we have more information on Tuesday.

Oh, and say hi to our 17w Baby Bou bump... On Tuesday of next week you'll get an up close and personal view of Baby Bou him/herself!

Baby's Heartbeat Still Strong!

On Friday, I had my monthly appointment with my OB and things are so far so good! I am 16 weeks today and as of Friday, the baby's heartbeat was 150, which is great. I also got my tests back from my endo and he said my A1C is down to 5.5... that's right, folk's FIVE.POINT.FIVE! I am thrilled, elated, shocked and can't believe that I, the born again diabetic who fought so hard against this disease it nearly killed me, now has an A1C of 5.5.


I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again. Anyone can do this... anyone. It doesn't matter if you have to start over, like I did, or if you just need to refocus. You can do what you put your mind to. Now, I am not sure if 5.5 is reasonable or not... I think pregnancy actually reduced blood sugars in the beginning, so that does make it a little easier than if you don't have those crazy hormones going through your body, but set your own, realistic goal, and get at it! You know I am cheering for you and welcome any vents of frustration you need to get out to help get over the hump. My email is this.is.my.sos@gmail.com. I know how good it feels to sometimes just get it all out...


My doctor also told me that she will likely induce me by two weeks or so to my due date, so we'll see how everything goes. I am hoping everything continues to go smoothly, but I am trying to remain realistic. I do have protein in my urine, and have for years, so that definitely is a concern, but like I said, so far, things are great, and I can't ask for a better report than that!

Thank you all for your support, encouragement, and words of advice!! I welcome any comments or suggestions that you have... sometimes, the best way is to learn from others! :)

Ooohh Baby ~ Insulin Resistance is Kicking In

Just this past weekend I started seeing signs that insulin resistance is starting to show it's ugly head! Things have been so smooth up until now... perfect really. I hadn't seen blood sugars in the 200s in almost two weeks, and before then it was rare. For months, things were so easy...

Yesterday I finished my 15th week and today I begin my 16th week of pregnancy and I can see my blood sugars beginning to creep up... and what I've noticed over the past few days is that those highs are as stubborn as I am. They do NOT like to budge! I do not care for this new development, but thankfully I see my endocrinologist today to see what I need to do.

One major problem is that I am also getting lows...possibly from me trying to fight the highs my just continuing to bolus for them, but nonetheless, they are there. So how do I increase my insulin when I NEED it, but keep it how it is for when my body wants to act all normal and stuff...like my body was ever normal!

For anyone with experience in this baby growing sorta thing :) I have a few questions:
1~when your insulin needs increased, did you start with your basals or your insulin:carb ratios? or both?
2~Did you find that you still had occassional lows due to the inconsistencies going on in your body?
AND
3~From this point on, will it ever be easy again?? I mean, how long did each 'fix' last before you had to readjust again?

I woke up early this morning (yep, it was a low) but I couldn't fall back to sleep, which has been pretty common latley... so, like a total dork in love with her baby, the baby and I just played... for an hour or two... until I had to wake up for real. Haha! Really I just poked and prodded my tummy and tried to see if maybe I could feel movement. I can't, but it was fun and I have a feeling not being able to fall asleep in the middle of the night will no longer be quite so miserable :)

I already love you more

I find myself staring out into space just grinning... and then I think, is this really true? Do I really have this little baby growing inside me just waiting to meet me and his/her daddy? Could my biggest dream really be coming true, right at this instant? After everything I've done to myself, the poor choices that Imade, and how I made being thin such a high priority over being healthy... for years, for almost my entire life with diabetes... for almost 20 years! How did God pick me to bless this way, and most importantly, can I live up to the responsibility in front of me?

I don't know the answers to those questions, but I do know, that I do everything within my power to make sure that I do live up to what God has set out before me. I have come to realize that this power that we all have is quite astonishing, and you truly can do anything you set your mind to. I know, because somehow, I did it. I overcame an illness that is deemed to be one of the most deadly and the most difficult disorder of its kind to fight... no, not diabetes, but eating disorders (I still cringe at the words), although for me, they were intertwined into one big fight.

This doesn't feel real. I know I am going through the motions, and my pants are getting tight, but other than that, life is just going on as normal... normal? I don't even know what that means anymore. How can people go about their day as if this little miracle didn't exist inside me? This little miracle has already brought me such joy and hapiness and excitement and all he/she does is hang out and grow grow grow, and bring random grins of joy from his/her Mommy!

I am still afraid to talk about little Baby Bou, for fear everything might fall apart. I still hesitate to tell people and haven't started my baby journal because I am too afraid to allow myself to truly believe this is real. It's also why I am so afraid to blog about it, even though this truly is where I feel the safest, and I know that no one will tell me "I told you so, I told you it would never happen for you"... but that's what I feel like will happen, with those cutting words coming primarily from myself.

It's terrifying and honestly, I don't know that it will ever go away. I suppose it is true what they all say, your life will never be the same, and I know now that my life will never return to 'normal'. Regardless of what I have put my own body through, I know that life is fragile and it can be taken away at any moment, in just an instant. I don't think I'll ever remove that from my mind; I never do. However, now, I not only have my husband, my family and my friends to worry about, now I have a child and I can only imagine the worry that will come!

Of course, subconsciously I deal with these fears and distractions, but I still find myself just grinning into space, thinking about how truly blessed I am and how happy this time is. I just hope this precious little baby knows that I already love you more.

Goodness, 14 weeks already!

Where did the last two weeks go?! I can't believe I wil be finished my 14th week tomorrow! It is still so unreal and unbelievable. I still don't feel like it has really set in that I have this precious little baby growing inside me... although, my pants are definitely telling me that this is quite real :)

My blood sugars really have been great. It was as though once I figured it all out in the beginning, things just have been going smoothly. I am not checking quite as often as I did in the beginning, but I am still on top of things... my fingers definitely appreciate it :)

I have 2 weeks until my next endocrinologist and my ob/gyn appointments and then 4 weeks until my next maternal-fetal specialist appointment, when we hopefully find out gender :) I am so anxious for them all. I think my every other week appointments were keeping me comfortable, making this feel so much more real, and they also helped me to know that the clock was actually ticking... but it has been 2 weeks since my last appointment and I am just so anxious for my next! (Never ever have I ever looked forward to doctor's appointments, but I guess things change ;)

I still question myself in my mind every time I go to say the magic works "I'm pregnant" and ask, "could I really be... am I really pregnant!?!" It is the most amazing thing to be able to say and each day is such a miracle. It's a day I never thought would happen and something I've wanted since the time I knew what a baby was!

We live in such amazing times. I mean, a little girl who was diagnosed with diabetes at age 9, who fought it almost to the death until age 25 with A1Cs of 13 and 14 and beyond...and who thought at this point not only would my life and body be in total shambles, but I knew no hope for a family existed... and here I am 14 weeks pregnant with an A1C of 6.0. Sure, I have gadgets galore hooked up to my body, but I love them, they gave me this new life and are helping to make all of my dreams come true!

12 Week Update

Gosh, I cannot believe I am 12 weeks today! The past couple of months have been an absolute whirlwind. I really never knew I could be this dedicated to my diabetes, ever. It truly is amazing the sacrifices you make when you know that your future child is depending on you making all the right decisions, all the time. I think it was one of my favorite Mommy with Diabetes Bloggers, Laura, who mentioned this same thing in a DiabetesSisters.org post when she was a pregnancy blogger, but she added on that it is a shame we don't value ourselves quite that much regardless of whether we are "with child".

My doctor asked me several weeks ago whether the cravings were making it hard for me, and I honestly told her that I have no cravings other than to make sure everything is perfect for this baby. That's all I want and it is what drives every thought right now.

I look back on where I started almost two years ago and am amazed. I can't help but get emotional (I know, pregnancy hormones!!) and think how much my life has changed. I am happier now than I ever thought possible. I am healthy, and well, and diabetes has not taken over my life... it's just become an important part of my life again but certainly has not taken me over.

I just hope others out there who are struggling know that you can do this, you just have to commit to it, and really really live it. It's hard, but I promise you, it is so worth it!

I'M PREGNANT!!! :)

Okay, so I know I have been totally missing in action, but there is a reason why!! I am pregnant. Yes, me!! I still can't believe it and I am still so very scared of what is to come, but am also taking in every moment and just loving it!

I will be 12 weeks on September 29th, which just so happens to fall on our 2nd Anniversary :) We found out very early on, at about 4 1/2 weeks, so I was able to make sure that my blood sugars, etc. were as perfect as could possibly be (easier said than done when your body is growing a precious baby ;)). I went to my endo the Tuesday after we found out with an A1C of 6.9 and six weeks later on this past Tuesday, it was all the way down to 6.0! My endo laughs at me each time he sees me because of the number of times I am checking my blood sugar, but my fingers will have to deal with it!

The first two days after I found out, I checked my blood sugar around 25 times each day!!! AND had my CGM in ;) I know, overkill, but like I said, I don't care!

I'd be lying if I said it was easy, especially in the beginning, but it is all so worth it. Every time my blood sugar would creep to 200, I would panic and start to cry and at first, I was having spikes without reason, so it was very difficult and so very stressful, but things have gotten better. I am still in the "going low" phase before the tripling of insulin phase and I am comfortable with how things are.

Anyway, I will definitely write more later, but I wanted to give my big announcement and let you all know that I am still here and I am doing so wonderfully!! I've missed you all and I am happy now that my secret is out!! :)

I know it has been a while...

I know I haven't been around for a while, but things are going well. The past few weeks have been an absolute whirlwind and I promise to catch everyone up soon!! For now, I just wanted to remind everyone that you can do anything you set your minds to, diabetes related and life related. It's true. Just commit yourself and hold on tight, because it will be a wild ride, but it will be well worth the journey!!

Know that I am thinking about all of my PWD friends out there, even when I am not around :)

Somehow, I've Made It!!

My meter must be broken ... because I haven't had a blood sugar in the 200s since Saturday! How is that even possible? I mean, I've heard of this happening to other people, but to me?? The girl who didn't check her blood sugar for years at a time, who ate what and when she wanted and didn't bother ever bolusing for it, whose pump was so "off" because changes were made to basal settings randomly and without reason that there could possibly be no way to start fresh and get it right... the girl who thought she'd never make it to her wedding day because her body would never hold out that long...

I know this has only been for the past several days, but I look back at how far I've come and just can't believe it. I did it. I did it. It wasn't easy, and it never will be, but somehow after every set back and frustrating day and after all the time I just wanted to give up again, because not worrying about it was easier than being consumed by this disease, I did it. I made it.

I am at the point of no return. I know now that I can't turn back, I don't want to, I won't allow it to happen. I've made it to the finish line and for the rest of my life I will fight to have my blood sugar under as good control as I can. Now I know that I will have highs, and lows, and everything in between, and my spirit will fade and I'll get discouraged and frustrated... but I won't let myself give up again. I am past that point. I will trip and stumble and will likely fall, but I won't stay down. I know now that I will get back up and fight again.

I just hope that everyone out there who has given up on themself and their life will know that you can do anything you put your mind to. The power doesn't lie in some book, or some class, or in some other person, be it family members, friends or professionals.

You are the only person who can change your life. I know, because I did :~)

No Longer Calm!! Welcome Summer!

Well, my last post's title mentioned that things were calming down a bit; well things are calm no longer!! Summer is always a time of constant travel and lots of weekends away from home. Last summer we were gone I believe something like every single weekend for over three months and while, thankfully, this summer is not quite that extreme, Brad and I have definitely been quite busy!!

Last weekend we headed for our normal 5 hour drive West, although this trip it took us six, for Brad's 10 year high school reunion. It was so much fun!! He graduated with a class of around 700 and I would say about 100-150 grads attended, which I thought was a tad sad, but with a class that big, I am sure strong ties were hard to come by and people are likely scattered across the country. It was so much fun to meet friends of his that knew him long long ago. It really was a blast! And then it was over and we headed back home.

Unfortunately, Brad's Grandma passed away on Monday, so on Tuesday we made a trip 2 hours back West to be with his family and for her funeral. She was an absolutely incredible woman who loved her family more than anything and she will be greatly missed. It was very nice to visit with everyone and I know that she was so happy to see all of her favorite people together to celebrate her wonderful life. She was also a pretty big fan of LSU baseball, so I know she was cheering in heaven last night ;)

After the game, we headed back East for home so that Brad and I could work today and tomorrow. Our next big trip is this weekend again... headed back 5 hours West and hoping it doesn't take longer. It should be a fun weekend, and it will be great to again spend time with family... but, we then have to come home again to work Monday and Tuesday and then after work Tuesday we are headed BACK West for a 9 hour road trip for our family vacation... whoo! Lots of backtracking and I am getting darn tired of I-10!! But, it is fun and exciting and it is worth it all!!

On the diabetes front, things are going well. I have no complaints and no stories worth telling, which is always good. Today, I started to record my blood sugars, food intake, insulin, etc., which always helps me to stay on track, so if any good stories arise out of that, I'll keep you posted!

I hope your summer is going well. I am just trying to stay out of the heat!

Things have calmed a bit

Thankfully, things have started to level out again! I swear it was because I blogged about it ;)

The swings haven't been nearly as steep and I feel like when they go up, I can actually get them back down. My CGM settings are lower this time (since my new pump came in, I had to reprogram everything and just made them lower). So, it alerts me when my blood sugar hits 200 and I think maybe that was part of the frustration... Instead of it alerting me when it got to around 215 or 220, it was 200, so I was more aware of it...

Question: How high does your blood sugar go after eating? I know that even though we have come such a long way, things are not yet perfect and of course my blood sugar goes up after I eat...but how high should it go? What's normal? How high should it go when you are pregnant? I mean, should it go into the 200s daily, even if for a mere few minutes? I guess I have a list of things to ask my doctor now. You'd think after having diabetes as long as I have that these questions should not exist...but sometimes it is just reasurring to re-ask them and have them re-answered ;)

Didn't Even Realize I Needed It!!

A wonderful friend just sent me a quick check in email (Sweet Mama) to see how I was doing since it has been a while since I blogged, and my goodness, it ignited something in me and I just started typing away, which made me realize... why don't you just blog about it?? So, here I am :)

I am doing well. You know, I don't really know how I am doing, but I always have this feeling to always try to say, "I am doing well" and then back it up with enthusiastic happy feelings to show that I actually am doing well, even when I don't really know that I am... like now.

Honestly, I'm frustrated beyond belief. My blood sugars have been up and down and up and up...and for the life of me I don't know why. Even though I know that sometimes there are just fluctuations in blood sugars, I am not convinced that I just am not doing a good job. It's gotta be something I am doing wrong, doesn't it? I am not trying hard enough. I am failing at something. I have to be, or else it would all be working out, right? Let me back up...

Last week I saw two new diabetes educators to help me tweak all of the little things that I needed to make sure my blood sugars were in the best control possible. Well, they went through my pump and goodness, I had some regular high blood sugars. I knew that for about a week, I just couldn't seem to get them down. I mean, even that day my blood sugar was around 250-350 and no matter how much insulin I took, or how little I ate it would not go down!! It just didn't make sense.

Until that night when I got home and was bolusing for the umpteenth time, and the buttons on my pump would not work. I couldn't push them to take my insulin, or do anything at all! So, I called the pump people and got a new one sent over. Then, my pump actually gave me a "button error". You are all very smart people, so I have one question for you: How do you clear a "button error" when the buttons don't work?! (don't worry, I did take the batteries out, but it was pretty humorous at the time ;))

So, I figured, good... this obviously is what has been happening...my pump has slowly been malfunctioning and probably hasn't been giving me all of my basals/boluses and the buttons were the last to go. Yay! I solved the puzzle!

Wrong. Everyday I am in the 200 and 300s and don't know why they go up or how to get them down. Every now and then a low will sneak in, but it is rare and always leads to a high. I even have my CGMS in to help me better track what is going on, but so far, it seems to be unpredicatable.

I am frustrated, confused, concerned and I feel like a failure. I don't know what to do to get it back down or to stay regular or to just make it all work like it had been. What am I doing that is so wrong. I bolus for my food, and I correct when it is high, but it still stays high. I feel nautious and tired and I can feel my highs starting when they get to around 180ish and then I just get panicked because I know how horrible it is for my body and I know I will never get the opportunity to be pregnant if I can't regulate these blood sugars.

I feel like I want to cry everytime it happens, which is just about constantly these days. So, no, I guess I am really not doing that well, at least in regards to my diabetes and blood sugars...and I don't know how I can really do well emotionally otherwise if that's not all in check and when it is constantly on my mind... it's just, no one else understands so why bother getting into it. It's nice to have somewhere to just get it all out and cry about it with people who really understand.

I was hesitant to blog about it because I didn't have a solution, or a story, or a point and I hate to always just vent about my frustrations...but sometimes, that is exactly what I need. It's nice to just put it all out there and not have to hold it in so tightly. You think now my blood sugars will behave??? We'll see :)

Let's Welcome a New Blogger! :)

I forgot in my last post to introduce one of my great diabetes friends, Laura. She had been blogging on Diabetes Sisters for quite a while, first as their Pregnancy Blogger (she has three beautiful tots), and then as their Type 1 Blogger. Now Laura is the the Blog Manager for Diabetes Sisters and started her own blog, Sweet Mama.

So, welcome Laura, you have already been an amazing inspiration to me, and I am so excited to keep up with where your journey leads!

Ok, does any one else have this side effect when low?!?

It started about 8 years ago... When my blood sugar would be low, my lips would kind of tingle. I thought it was strange, and since then, it has happened relatively frequently. Then it would progressively get worse... my tongue would get numb, then this past weekend my entire throat went numb!!! It was strange and scary because it was tingling like I was having an allergic reaction, but I knew what it was...

Has this happened to anyone else?! I know I am not that "special" but I've never heard of this before! Does anyone else have any weird low side effects?? I have one more, but I am going to write about it later...heading out the door :)

I also went on another endo appt. and I was pleased. A1c went up only by .2 but I am still in the 7s and that is better than ever for me and my microalbumin went down, but I am not sure by how much. The doc told me I was in a "rut" and got of "fussed" me, but I don't think going from 11 to 9 to 7 (for two checkups) is a rut. I am still doing better than I have ever done, but I know I have to pick it up a step and I will.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Common Mistake When I am Low

I suppose it is because of the way that a low can make me feel sluggish or tired, especially when I am already asleep, but I often make the mistake of just unplugging my pump when my blood sugar is low and I am sleeping...only to wake up hours later wondering why I need to use the restroom and I have a sweet taste in my mouth!

Then I remember that I was way too lazy to get out of bed to drink juice and I just unplugged. I do this ALL the TIME! It's stupid, and I know I am not going to stay awake long enough to re-plug before I fall asleep again...but I still think that I will, for some odd strange reason.

If I am sleeping, I just do not want to take the time to wake myself up completely, disturb my dog who is peacefully sleeping in her "nest" between my legs, and gulp a juice before falling back to sleep. It still puzzles me to this day why when it happens, I still follow the same stupid behavior, even though in my fully awake and perfect blood sugar state of mind, I know it is so wrong! WHY!?!

New Info on Islet Transplantation

Everytime I see a new article on Islet Transplantation, I feel this hushed excitement but always just tell myself... "surely not in MY lifetime and in MY life, right?" It seems like just this thing I was always promised and always dreamed of and I admit, I even used it as my crutch as to why I didn't really have to care...because I will one day be cured.

Well, now I know that I can't rely on that crutch as an excuse to NOT care for myself because it may never come for me... but if it does, I sure will be excited!!

The JDRF just sent me this article: News in Islet Transplantation.

The thing that at first discouraged me, and then confused me was the very first sentence: Islet transplantation can be an important therapeutic option for adults with unstable type 1 diabetes-individuals who, despite their best efforts, have wide, unpredictable fluctuations in blood sugar levels.

My first reaction was, well darn!! I know that with close control I can generally keep my blood sugar right where I want it. Sure, it takes a lot of time and effort, but I can do it, so I am certainly not unstable.

Then I thought, but Ah ha!, even when I do dedicate all of my time and effort and energy to controlling this darn disease, I still despite my best efforts have wide, unpredicatble fluctuations in blood sugar levels...

Soooo...that means we ALL qualify, right?! Don't we all of some unpredictable fluctuations that are never explained, no matter how darn hard we try?!

Now, as a disclaimer, I have not yet read the entire article... I stopped at the first line due to the absolute conundrum that statement presented to me, but heck, I think it should give us all a little hope, since, from what I have learned over the past year from all of my diabetes friends...no matter how hard we try, every now and then we will have that unpredictable high or low and that it likely isn't our fault, it is probably just due to some unknown bodily response to some unknown bodily function, and that we don't need to feel blame or guilt or discouragement. We just fix it and move on, and be thankful that we will all qualify for Islet tranplantation :)

The Crazy Girl with the Chocolate Smeared Smile

Easter. Such a joyous time for Catholics and Christians all around the world as we celebrate the sacrifices that God and Jesus made for us. Jesus DIED for our sins... and I can't even resist one little darn chocolate easter egg, let alone hoarding the whole bag and eating them one by one as my heart aches in a strange way and I feel more sick to my stomach than even nearly satsified!

There is something about Easter and Halloween and all of those delicious candy filled "special"holidays that turn me into this crazed lunatic when it comes to candy and food and what is otherwise known as the "once forbidden fruit". These "special" occassions also just so happen to bring out the most outrageous and uncharacteristic hoarding tendancies I've ever known, while making me feel all alone in my diabetes all over again.

My husband has come to realize, thankfully quite quickly, food means a lot to me: I save my favorite thing for last; if he gets a "treat", I want a "treat"; I want to try everyone's food; he better not eat the last of that whatever without first asking me if it is ok, and the list of crazy food rules go on and on. If any of these rules are broken, something inside of me wants to fly into an incredible hissy fit that would give any 2 or 3 year old a run for their money. Of course, I do hold it in, but for some reason something inside of me just goes off and I get anxious and frustrated and I want to just cry...

Do I blame diabetes, you ask... Well of COURSE I do!! I think because for so long I could not have any type of "special" food or treat that now when I have the opportunity to and for some reason it is taken away from me, I feel like that 9 year old sitting at the birthday party surrounded by friends but feeling all alone while everyone enjoys their cake while I try to pretend that it doesn't bother me at all...but while all I really want to do is go home so I can have a good cry all alone in my room about all the reasons life isn't fair and why I have to be singled out and why I can't have anything "special"!

Of course, even during those times when it was still not allowed, I would find the hidden candy that my Mom would keep as her "special" treats, and my sister's candy that was full of sugar and I would just eat all that I could eat, without even tasting it. Why? I have absolutely no clue, but I did and it is what I want to do everytime I am faced with all of these yummy temptations.

I know, it sounds crazy!! And worst of all, when it is happening, I FEEL crazy. I know in my adult mind that it is unreasonable and illogical and wrong and I can do what I want without having to go to extremes...that in the world of diabetes today, I AM normal. But those sad memories are so strong and powerful and they have trained the way I think today and I overcompensate by wanted to eat EVERYTHING now that I can. I want to be 'SPECIAL', too!

Of course, most of this is an internal battle, I don't really go around screaming at children to get away from my candy or running through the halls with a mouth full of chocolate and skittles while making really strange noises and waving my hands in the air, but it does tug at my heart everytime someone reaches into MY candy jar and takes a treat for themself. Goodness, if only they knew that the crazy girl with the chocolate smeared smile was just waiting for the right time to pounce! ;) Thankfully, so far this year the body count remains at 0...but those chocolate eggs haven't been nearly so lucky!

Dreading the Workout

I think what happened this last time to get me off track was the "work out" phenomena. In order to work out, I have to unplug and then deliberately get my blood sugar high enough so that I don't crash during a workout... but this goes completely against everything that I have been working so hard to accomplish!!

I don't WANT my blood sugar to be high and I don't think that I should deliberately make it high so that I can go work out...but if I am going to lose any of this horrible weight I have put on, I HAVE to work out...or I could go back to my old habits and deliberately make my blood sugar high...see the conundrum here? Of course, getting my blood sugar high enough to exercise is not even remotely comparable to what I have done in the past, but it still makes the battle that much more difficult and I worry that I will allow myself to fall back into old patterns if I am falling into the same behavior, even it a very reduced level.

Also, I know that when the time comes and I am pregnant, I can't risk the health of our baby to make my blood sugar high to work out... Even seeing the high number discourages me, and I STILL usually end up going low, unless I am in the 300s or so!! ...so how do you guys do it?!? What are your work out tips?? I just can't seem to figure this out at all...

And really, what is the point of busting my toosh working out if I am only going to take in the same amount of calories in juice, glucose tabs, etc.?? HELP!!

Where have I been?!?

Wow, seems like I have been very distant lately, and I guess I have. I am not going to lie and say things have been great on the diabetes front, but they haven't been absolutely horrible, either. I haven't been checking like I should, which of course always leads to highs, but I haven't completely given up, either.

A week or so ago, my husband and I went on our late honeymoon cruise. It was a blast!!! Talk about having diabetes issues, though. On excursions, where do I put my pump? Can I leave it in my bag and not worry? How long will I be gone? What if I get low in the middle of our kayak excursion and I don't have my bag because, well, there was no where to put it?! YIKES! Things worked out, but I can't say I was completely relaxed about it all!

I desperately need to just get back on track and stay focused, and how do I do that?!? Well, by coming back here and checking in and reading up on what's been going on in all of my diabetes buddies lives :)

Bittersweet...

Well, for the first time in my 18 years as a diabetic, my A1C was down to 7.5!! How awesome is that!?! I just want to shout from the rooftops "I CAN DO IT, I CAN DO IT, AND I DID IT!!!"

The sensors have definitely helped, but I am going to take some credit here, too. I stayed strong, remained dedicated, sucked up the weight gain, and just kept going. Sure, I had bad days, and I had periods where I would slack off, but I always got back on track and I know that next time, it will be even lower :)

However, my microalbumin level was up to 33. Last year it was 9, which was within range (0-18), but now it is up to 33. My doc is out of town, so I have to wait to see what my "plan" will be, but I am trying not to feel too discouraged by it. I am hoping I can still have children, but I am waiting for doctor's orders. I don't want to put myself or my baby at risk...

Talk about a hell of a weekend, though. I thought I was going to have a heart attack, stroke and panic attack all at the same time trying to get in touch with the doctor to get my results this morning. I was so scared!! But, at least now I know and I know I just have to keep fighting hard, just like everyone else :)

Is this the one that will change my life?

Every three months (or so...), like a good little diabetic, I wake up, put my brave face on and tramp right on over to my endo's office. I sit and wait without trying to fidget too much and maintain a look of calmness and confidence. I go through the routine, tell him about my blood sugars, let him check my feet, and all the usuals, and then I ask him my questions, and leave. I go down to get my blood drawn and urine tested, and head out for the day.

Then I wait. I wait to find out whether this will be the call that changes my life forever. The one where all of those complications I have been warned about my entire life are starting to show their ugly face...or in the case of my eyes, show up again.

The doc usually calls me and misses, so I generally have to call him back, trying to emotionally prepare myself for what is to come. Did his voice in my inbox sound optimistic, disappointed, concerned? Or maybe he is just tired after a long day?

Not only is going to my 3 month check up like getting my report card, but it is also the time I find out whether I will still be able to live my life like a normal, healthy person with diabetes, or whether the complications are starting to take over, changing my world forever. One call, that's all it takes, isn't it?

This might sound somewhat morbid, but after having diabetes for 18 years, isn't that somewhat of a reality? My A1c has never been in the 7 or 8s...for 18 years it is has been flying high around 10 or above. And let me be clear, I don't obsess over it. It is just an awareness that I have. I always try to be prepared for the worst, and I don't want to be surprised, so I always know that this could potentially be the call.

Well, I had my appointment today and he called at 5, I missed it. So, I am going to live this weekend like it might be my last without the reality of severe complications, and try to stop analyzing how his voice might have sounded...