I find myself staring out into space just grinning... and then I think, is this really true? Do I really have this little baby growing inside me just waiting to meet me and his/her daddy? Could my biggest dream really be coming true, right at this instant? After everything I've done to myself, the poor choices that Imade, and how I made being thin such a high priority over being healthy... for years, for almost my entire life with diabetes... for almost 20 years! How did God pick me to bless this way, and most importantly, can I live up to the responsibility in front of me?
I don't know the answers to those questions, but I do know, that I do everything within my power to make sure that I do live up to what God has set out before me. I have come to realize that this power that we all have is quite astonishing, and you truly can do anything you set your mind to. I know, because somehow, I did it. I overcame an illness that is deemed to be one of the most deadly and the most difficult disorder of its kind to fight... no, not diabetes, but eating disorders (I still cringe at the words), although for me, they were intertwined into one big fight.
This doesn't feel real. I know I am going through the motions, and my pants are getting tight, but other than that, life is just going on as normal... normal? I don't even know what that means anymore. How can people go about their day as if this little miracle didn't exist inside me? This little miracle has already brought me such joy and hapiness and excitement and all he/she does is hang out and grow grow grow, and bring random grins of joy from his/her Mommy!
I am still afraid to talk about little Baby Bou, for fear everything might fall apart. I still hesitate to tell people and haven't started my baby journal because I am too afraid to allow myself to truly believe this is real. It's also why I am so afraid to blog about it, even though this truly is where I feel the safest, and I know that no one will tell me "I told you so, I told you it would never happen for you"... but that's what I feel like will happen, with those cutting words coming primarily from myself.
It's terrifying and honestly, I don't know that it will ever go away. I suppose it is true what they all say, your life will never be the same, and I know now that my life will never return to 'normal'. Regardless of what I have put my own body through, I know that life is fragile and it can be taken away at any moment, in just an instant. I don't think I'll ever remove that from my mind; I never do. However, now, I not only have my husband, my family and my friends to worry about, now I have a child and I can only imagine the worry that will come!
Of course, subconsciously I deal with these fears and distractions, but I still find myself just grinning into space, thinking about how truly blessed I am and how happy this time is. I just hope this precious little baby knows that I already love you more.
4 weeks ago