Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I already love you more

I find myself staring out into space just grinning... and then I think, is this really true? Do I really have this little baby growing inside me just waiting to meet me and his/her daddy? Could my biggest dream really be coming true, right at this instant? After everything I've done to myself, the poor choices that Imade, and how I made being thin such a high priority over being healthy... for years, for almost my entire life with diabetes... for almost 20 years! How did God pick me to bless this way, and most importantly, can I live up to the responsibility in front of me?

I don't know the answers to those questions, but I do know, that I do everything within my power to make sure that I do live up to what God has set out before me. I have come to realize that this power that we all have is quite astonishing, and you truly can do anything you set your mind to. I know, because somehow, I did it. I overcame an illness that is deemed to be one of the most deadly and the most difficult disorder of its kind to fight... no, not diabetes, but eating disorders (I still cringe at the words), although for me, they were intertwined into one big fight.

This doesn't feel real. I know I am going through the motions, and my pants are getting tight, but other than that, life is just going on as normal... normal? I don't even know what that means anymore. How can people go about their day as if this little miracle didn't exist inside me? This little miracle has already brought me such joy and hapiness and excitement and all he/she does is hang out and grow grow grow, and bring random grins of joy from his/her Mommy!

I am still afraid to talk about little Baby Bou, for fear everything might fall apart. I still hesitate to tell people and haven't started my baby journal because I am too afraid to allow myself to truly believe this is real. It's also why I am so afraid to blog about it, even though this truly is where I feel the safest, and I know that no one will tell me "I told you so, I told you it would never happen for you"... but that's what I feel like will happen, with those cutting words coming primarily from myself.

It's terrifying and honestly, I don't know that it will ever go away. I suppose it is true what they all say, your life will never be the same, and I know now that my life will never return to 'normal'. Regardless of what I have put my own body through, I know that life is fragile and it can be taken away at any moment, in just an instant. I don't think I'll ever remove that from my mind; I never do. However, now, I not only have my husband, my family and my friends to worry about, now I have a child and I can only imagine the worry that will come!

Of course, subconsciously I deal with these fears and distractions, but I still find myself just grinning into space, thinking about how truly blessed I am and how happy this time is. I just hope this precious little baby knows that I already love you more.


bethany said...

Every last one of those feelings you put down were how I felt my entire pregnancy. The joy of the miracle inside of you - I found myself holding my still flat tummy in complete awe that there was a little baby in there.

The eating disorder/diabetes combo - you just have to completely ignore it while pregnant! haha.

The worries. If I had one thing to do over again about my pregnancy - it would be to *be excited!*
I was, but I wasn't. I was afraid I'd miscarry again. I was afraid something would go wrong, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not telling people I would have told had I not been so "disconnected."
I was in love with my baby for sure, just not "into" the pregnancy. I did hours and hours of research, but I didn't keep a journal, I bought like 4 things all together for her.
Try and have fun with it! That's my advice to you! :) I wish I had because she'll probably be our only child. :) :::HUG:::

~Suzanne~ said...

I keep telling myself to *be excited*, too, because I know it is what I will look back and wish I had done... it's just so scary. I already regret not having written in my baby journal for the past 10 weeks... TEN weeks!! When it is was fresh, and things were new, and I was still figuring it all out, I wish I had kept track of it all, but it's already lost now.

I am making a promise to myself right now to just let a little bit go each day and to allow myself to experience this happiness!!

Also, I no longer worry about my weight. I definitely wanted that issue to be completely gone before I tried to get pregnant and miraculously, it is. I mean, I still don't LIKE being chubby, but I am absolutely okay with it, more to love right! ;)

Bob Hawkinson said...

Congratulations on the Joy of Motherhood....Its nice to see some positive diabetes health outcomes...Keep Going.....Peace, Bob

Windy said...

Suzanne! Congrats on your pregnancy!!!! And thank you sooo much for your thoughtful comment on my post.... it meant A LOT TO ME... just knowing someone could truly relate, you know?

Stay positive!! I'll be praying for you!

Nicole said...

I know just how you are feeling...I was just there. I just gave birth to my first child 10 days ago. I still can't believe he is here! I can't believe that I made it through the pregnancy with Type 1 diabetes!!!!! I feel so incredibly proud of myself for doing it and being so healthy the whole time. As hard as these sleepless nights are sometimes, I know that it is so worth it!!! I think I appreciate him even more after the hard work I put in to keep myself in prime health. I wish you all the best in your pregnancy - you have a wonderful outlook...

Layne said...

I should have said it sooner but CONGRATS Suzanne! I'm so happy for you and proud of you. It makes me happy to hear how happy you are. My husband and I are going to be trying soon and I can't wait to feel that way one day. Please let yourself enjoy this time. Take care of yourself but have fun with your pregnancy. . . you deserve it!!

Laura said...

Oh, the bitter-sweetness of the pregnancy complicated by the diabetes. It is so hard to shake those fears and just enjoy it, but welcome to motherhood :) You are amazing, and your sweet, sweet baby is lucky to have you, already loving and caring for him/her.

Let yourself smile, grin, and glow. You deserve it and it's good for you and that precious baby :)

~Suzanne~ said...

Bob- Thank you... from others I learned that positive outcomes actually did exist. It was all I needed to get my toosh in gear! If they could do it, so could I :)

Windy- Thanks! Believe me, I understand the power of just knowing someone understands and I am glad that I was able to share a little of my experience. I know it is so so scary to deal with retinopathy..but a little doesn't necesarily mean the end :)

Nicole- Congratulations!!! You should be proud of yourself and I know your little one will be proud of you, too! I can't wait until I can hold my sweet little reward at the end of this!!

Layne- Thanks! I can't wait to follow your own pregnancy journey when the time comes! Even through all of the struggle, somehow, it is all still really fun ;)

Laura- Thank you so much. Your kind words mean the world to me! How did you manage to do this THREE times?!? Still, you are my inspiration!