What Now?!?!

I made a personal decision to not write about my negative CDE experiences again. I HATE being negative and it is so important to see one!! BUT...

She called: I sent her my blood sugar log on Friday, as we discussed at our last meeting. Had my entire sheet filled in, the one SHE needs, complete with notes, etc. Well she called me yesterday, Tuesday. First thing out of her mouth, "I got your log, you know, when you send it to me on Friday I don't have time to discuss it with the doctor so you really need to make sure you get it in by Thursday..." Again, I am being reprimanded for doing exactly what she told me to do. I really can't win.

Then, she went on to tell me "we can't do anything to help you until your life settles down." Huh? My life is pretty settled: Work, home. Work, home. Work, home. And most of my b/s were really good, and I really don't think I needed much done with my rates, etc. What I came to realize is that she was focused on ONE DAY ONLY. Thursday. The day I got sworn in as an attorney in New Orleans, which I made note of to explain my crazy b/s that day. She proceeded to ask me if when I celebrate, do I do it big...basically asking whether I got sloppy drunk, haha! Well, I was spending the day with my family walking around the fabulous French Quarter (if you haven't been, you NEED TO), so I don't think acting like a fool would have been appropriate...

Then came the quiz: "Do you know how to drink alcohol with diabetes??" "Do you eat when you drink??" "Do you follow the rules?" Ugh, here we go again. I couldn't hold it in, so I just said, "Well, I was diagnosed when I was 9, so I wasn't exactly drinking then." What part of "I haven't seen a CDE regularly for the past 10 years" does she not understand??? I know that alcohol lowers blood sugar, but when I started drinking my blood sugar was so high all the time I had no chance of getting low... And I didn't even drink on the day she was referring to, especially considering I had work the next day!

Again, I am here to get on track, to learn the rules, so that I can follow them. Sure, I may seem stupid that I don't know exactly what all of these little rules are, but it isn't like it comes naturally. And does she, someone who is supposed to teach people what to do for good control, have to make me feel stupid every single time we speak?? If you don't use it, you lose it, right. Well I have lost all that information, and she is going to make me lose my mind! I told her from the beginning I needed to start fresh, and ever since then she has treated me like a non-compliant (again, I hate that word!!) diabetic who just refuses to do what I am told...

She has sarcastically asked me in the past whether she was "getting through to me", well apparently I am not getting through to her!! I had already made up my mind that I am not going to see her again, but it still gets to me. I mean, every time I talk to her I feel discouraged and as though I CAN'T do this. Even when I am trying my hardest, and I AM, I just am not doing good enough apparently. So what's the point. Why try?? The people who are supposed to be there to support me and guide me obviously don't think I am doing a good enough job and just criticize me. Honestly, yesterday after she called was the closest I came to feeling as though I just wanted to give up. I won't, but I was just so frustrated that I can see how far I have come and how well I am doing, but it just isn't good enough. Will it ever be good enough??

Honestly, I just don't get it. I don't know what I did wrong or what I did to her to make her feel like I am just wasting her time...and that is exactly how she comes across to me: That I am just a waste of her time because I will just never get it right...

I will let you know how it goes next week when I tell the doc that I no longer want to see her...I think if I keep thinking about it I am just going to end up even more discouraged than I am now. The last thing I need right now is to start the tears rolling, because I don't think they will stop if I do.