4 weeks ago
Monday, December 3, 2007
Things are good now...but why??
Sadly, I think I know why I have been doing as well as I have for the past few days. Disclaimer: "Well" here means checking, not having things under control. I think it is because my blood sugar has been in the 250s lately, and therefore, that horrible bloated and "fat" feeling I get has not yet occurred. I think once my blood sugar is truly controlled, I will start to feel the pressure. I hope I am doing well because I have so much support, but I know myself and am afraid that I am going to slip again. I know I can do it, but for some reason I am just so afraid. I don't even know what I am afraid of. Maybe it is the hard work, the feeling that my diabetes is going to control me, maybe it is the "ugly" feeling I get when everything is the way it is supposed to be. But I know that is just temporary, right? I know that if I can manage everything, including my food and exercise, then my weight will regulate and I will feel great, right? I just don't know if I have the patience or self discipline to get to that place. I always give up first. I am so determined not to give up, but I have been through this so many times before. I haven't made it yet. But why? I have a great life and so much to live for, so why isn't that enough to make me just snap into place and just do it! Why isn't it just that easy? Shouldn't it be? Shouldn't it be easy to feel good and healthy and ALIVE!?! So what is wrong with me? Why isn't it easy for me? I struggle so much and have for so long. It is so deep rooted. The feeling that it isn't fair and why me. I am so scared that my life has been destroyed by what I have done in the past that for a long time I never even thought about my future. Ever. I didn't dream of my wedding because I didn't think I would make it that far. But I did. Now I cry when I even try to dream about my kids because I am afraid I won't ever be able to have them. I know all I can do is start now, but even that doesn't get me going. It is like when my blood sugar is high I am numb to the fear and the pain. I don't think about it. It is only when I start to get well that it all sinks in. Well I would rather not think about it and so I just go back to that unhealthy place, but I am tired of doing that. I also get very moody when I start to do well because I put on all of the weight that didn't exist when I was living in my denial. The fluids come back and so do the pounds and I hate myself then. Hate it. And so I get moody and grumpy and no one understands why. I don't understand why. I should feel GOOD and positive. But I don't. I can't stand it. So, I give up on myself. How do I stop? I can do it for a little while, but I know the day is going to come...probably around Christmas or so when I have to see family, etc. when I am going to decide that it is best to just not take care of myself rather than being grumpy and fat. I just feel so lonely in this and I don't know what to do. I promised to be honest on here, so that is what I am going to do, even though it makes me sound like a crazy person. I am tired of hiding, though. So tired. That hasn't worked, so I guess it is time to bear it all in the open and try something new. I am just afraid that I will want to start lying to myself and you all as well. That I will become ashamed of how I truly feel and of who I really am, too, I guess. I am determined not to do that. I have to be honest with myself, and with you, too. So I will. As my original name indicated (when I was still ashamed to reveal my true identity) this is my SOS. What good would it be if I start lying now...