Whirlwind....

Just my luck. You know, I heard once that God was a great comedian, and I am certainly beginning to think that He is, although, to me, he isn't being so funny! I'll start at the beginning:

Last week I went to see my endo again. It was a great visit and he really is such a wonderful man! Of course, we couldn't do very much until we got my numbers in. I set up an appointment to see the diabetes educator on the morning after we got back from our Christmas visits. I had done really well for the two weeks prior and I did pretty well for the week or so after. Well, I did well until "Christmas vacation". So I didn't really check or do much except randomly bolus for food during the vacation period, which ended yesterday.

During the 5 hour drive back home, my endo called with my results. My A1c was 11.1, which was not at all surprising to me. It will at least give me a starting point. Then he said that my kidneys were still ok, my thyroid good, and that my cholesterol was spectacular. Apparently my good cholesterol is 20 points higher than my bad, which is like 1 in a million! He said if my sugars get under control, I could live to be 100! That was great news to me!

Well, this morning was our visit with the diabetes educator. My husband wanted to come along, which I was very happy with. He is so eager to learn and it makes me feel so special and blessed to have him! Well, about five minutes before we left, my pump started beeping. 09: Technical Inspection Due. GREAT!! That means that you need to send your pump in for it's inspection. Bad thing is is that, they don't MAKE my pumps anymore, and therefore do not inspect them. They originally send two, and this had already happened with my "backup". I haven't been on shots for 6 years or so, and even when I was, I wasn't controlled. I don't remember anything about it! Nothing. I think I just blocked it all out to be honest, haha! Well, at least we were going to the clinic anyway. But God's little timing wasn't very funny to me. I mean, I KNOW this is a good thing. I know this will be wonderful. I know that it is more than likely EXACTLY what I need right now, but I just don't care. I am mad and frustrated and angry. This means that I will actually have to ACT like I have diabetes. I don't feel ready. I don't feel like I can yet. But I suppose I will have to. And I will. And I will do great. And I will be fine. I guess I am just scared right now that I can't do it. I am afraid I won't be able to make it. I suppose there is a tad of perfectionism in me that doesn't like to be let down. If I can't do it perfectly, why try. I know that is a very flawed argument and it doesn't even make much sense, but sometimes how we feel isn't logical. So, for now I am on 30 units of Lantus every morning and a unit of humalog for every 15 carbs, and of course a sliding scale. I have no idea how this is going to work in my body, but I guess that is what I need to figure out at this point. I am starting over. I am like I am newly diagnosed, except I KNOW what I am getting into and I have a lot of OLD information in my head to get in the way. I also know all of the tricks and the gimmicks. Oh life. God really isn't that funny...but I suppose he knows what he is doing. Ironic? I don't think so...

Catch Up

It has been a few days, so I will catch everyone up to how I am doing. This week I am doing pretty well! Last weekend, not so much. I kind of went back to my old routine of not really checking very much and forgetting to bolus. But the good news is that I snapped out of it when the week came and I am back on track. Before, I would have completely just slipped back into denial, but not this time! I figure if I can just keep going and forcing myself to make it one second at a time, then one day that will add up to a lifetime! :~)

Thank you everyone for your support. It has meant so much to me. I am also open for anyone else's frustrations, too. Just leave a comment or send me an email. I promise, I completely understand, even if our situations are different!

This holiday season will be a true test of my will power and dedication. Here is to hoping that I make it through!

and here come the lows...

Well, after I changed my site last night (at like 8, I know I know), my insulin has been working just great. It was around 100 this morning, but then at about 10 am I felt low so checked and it was 54. I unplugged and drank 1/2 can of coke. Since I am not used to treating lows anymore, I wanted to make sure I hadn't over treated so checked again around 11:30 and it was around 80! Phew, good. Well, then I got low again and it was 65, so I drank the rest of the coke at around 1:20 (I eat a late lunch). When I got back to work I checked and it was 101. So now I am eating my sandwhich, hoping that the sandwhich kicks in before my humolog!! I suppose for now, I would prefer that it be on the low side rather than the high side so my body can at least get somewhat regulated. I expected being low, anyway, since my pump is calibrated to give me more insulin than I need since my bs ran higher when I wasn't in control.

Questions:
For those of you on pumps, do you find that your meal schedule is a lot more flexible, or do you still have to eat at about the same time everyday? I thought that with the pump, you couuld pretty much eat when you wanted?? Is that true?

Why do lows make me want to eat everything in sight!?! Is it as hard a struggle for you to just eat what you need when low instead of EVERYTHING...and lots of it!?!

Doctor's Appointment Scheduled!!

Thanks to the most fabulous Ms. MollyJade (who commented on my tudiabetes page: http://www.tudiabetes.com/profile/ThisismySOS), I now have an appointment scheduled with my endo. I thought (and secretly hoped) that it would be a while before I could get in, but I took the first available, which is Dec. 18!! Only TWO WEEKS! Plenty enough time for me to at least get some sugars recorded for him to look at. I suppose I should just do it now so I can see how bad my A1C really is. If I am going to do this, I need to do it right and this is one of the first major steps!! If it wasn't for Mollyjade, who knows how long I would have pushed this off. I probably would have delayed it until after a I had a downward spiral and then gave up...It is so much easier to hear "you need to go" from someone who understands, rather than from a nagging parent!! I have been so happy these past few days that I have been almost brought to tears. I just never imagined I could find support like this. I don't know what took me so long to find it as it is! I can so do this!! :~D

Frustrations!!

I am so frustrated!! My blood sugar has been high all day yesterday and this morning. I am taking the right amount of insulin and haven't even eaten all that much. It has not been below like 240. It was 289 just now. Usually when I start to take care of myself again, it is contantly low due to my insulin pump being calibrated too high for what I take. So why isn't it low now?? Maybe I need to change my pump site tonight when I get home from work and see if that helps.

Things are good now...but why??

Sadly, I think I know why I have been doing as well as I have for the past few days. Disclaimer: "Well" here means checking, not having things under control. I think it is because my blood sugar has been in the 250s lately, and therefore, that horrible bloated and "fat" feeling I get has not yet occurred. I think once my blood sugar is truly controlled, I will start to feel the pressure. I hope I am doing well because I have so much support, but I know myself and am afraid that I am going to slip again. I know I can do it, but for some reason I am just so afraid. I don't even know what I am afraid of. Maybe it is the hard work, the feeling that my diabetes is going to control me, maybe it is the "ugly" feeling I get when everything is the way it is supposed to be. But I know that is just temporary, right? I know that if I can manage everything, including my food and exercise, then my weight will regulate and I will feel great, right? I just don't know if I have the patience or self discipline to get to that place. I always give up first. I am so determined not to give up, but I have been through this so many times before. I haven't made it yet. But why? I have a great life and so much to live for, so why isn't that enough to make me just snap into place and just do it! Why isn't it just that easy? Shouldn't it be? Shouldn't it be easy to feel good and healthy and ALIVE!?! So what is wrong with me? Why isn't it easy for me? I struggle so much and have for so long. It is so deep rooted. The feeling that it isn't fair and why me. I am so scared that my life has been destroyed by what I have done in the past that for a long time I never even thought about my future. Ever. I didn't dream of my wedding because I didn't think I would make it that far. But I did. Now I cry when I even try to dream about my kids because I am afraid I won't ever be able to have them. I know all I can do is start now, but even that doesn't get me going. It is like when my blood sugar is high I am numb to the fear and the pain. I don't think about it. It is only when I start to get well that it all sinks in. Well I would rather not think about it and so I just go back to that unhealthy place, but I am tired of doing that. I also get very moody when I start to do well because I put on all of the weight that didn't exist when I was living in my denial. The fluids come back and so do the pounds and I hate myself then. Hate it. And so I get moody and grumpy and no one understands why. I don't understand why. I should feel GOOD and positive. But I don't. I can't stand it. So, I give up on myself. How do I stop? I can do it for a little while, but I know the day is going to come...probably around Christmas or so when I have to see family, etc. when I am going to decide that it is best to just not take care of myself rather than being grumpy and fat. I just feel so lonely in this and I don't know what to do. I promised to be honest on here, so that is what I am going to do, even though it makes me sound like a crazy person. I am tired of hiding, though. So tired. That hasn't worked, so I guess it is time to bear it all in the open and try something new. I am just afraid that I will want to start lying to myself and you all as well. That I will become ashamed of how I truly feel and of who I really am, too, I guess. I am determined not to do that. I have to be honest with myself, and with you, too. So I will. As my original name indicated (when I was still ashamed to reveal my true identity) this is my SOS. What good would it be if I start lying now...

What a weekend it was!

This weekend wasn't the best on record, but I think the fact that I am actually recording my sugars says a lot!! I swam at around 250ish pretty consistently, beginning Saturday. This is likely due to the LSU Game Watching Party we went to, and maybe the mint oreos and cookie cake... I don't buy that stuff for a reason, but when I am faced with it, it sure is hard to turn it down. I feel like now that I can have this stuff, that I am not going to say no to it. I need to keep in mind that I can find oreos, cookie cake, fast food, and everything else I have ever dreamed of on just about any corner in America, so saying no to them a few times certainly will not break me, and it might even make me stronger!!

I have checked my blood sugar about 5-6 times everyday so far, which is pretty amazing for me, if I do say so myself. I am pretty proud. I am trying not to get too discouraged when my BS is high, though. The discouraging feeling I get is one of the causes of me stopping. I don't like to feel bad about myself, so I just stop keeping track. I am trying to take the idea that it is just a number that will help me to gauge what steps I should take. It will be high, and that is ok. It will just help me to better determine what I need to do next time. Messing up isn't failing and as long as I am alive to check my BS, then I haven't failed out ;~)

I think that is all for now...I know, such an exciting update, right...but I think if I stop now, just because I don't have anything exciting to stay, then I might stop altogether, and I think if I do that, well...I might just stop taking care of myself again, too. I still feel good though. I feel like I can do this. I think a switch in my brain flipped and I am taking the matter of fact approach. Fact: I have diabetes. Fact: I HAVE to do this. Fact: I need to just suck it up and stop wasting time. So...that's what I am doing, one minute at a time.

Oh, and again GO TIGERS!!! We're goin' to the 'Ship!!! :~)

Am I supposed to know when I am high??

Well, so far things have been really well. I have been trying not to be TOO strict, for fear that I will just give up...and so far, it worked. Well today my husband and I went to a little football party so I was not especially on my own game. It was fun, but when I got home, my BS was 512. Yikes. It is amazes me how that doesn't really phase me, though. I don't feel sick or anything. I mean, maybe a little tired, but nothing else. Shouldn't I be throwing up and completely ill?? Nope, not I. I mean, do other people have that same reaction or is it just me?? How do "normal" diabetics feel when their blood sugar is that high??? Should that even concern me? I mean, I took my insulin and I know it will go down, but should I have felt that it was shooting up?? Oh well. I know that some day soon when my blood sugar hits 300, I will immediately know it, right? or is that just an illusion I have in my mind. I honestly just don't even remember anymore.

Oh, and GO TIGERS!! :~)