Monday, March 8, 2010

Well, It's For Real...

My Ob, Dr. G, agreed with my ophth... March 31st via c-section it is. I know it's the best thing, and I knew immediately that it was. I mean, if not a c-section, they would still induce me at 38 weeks, and that is no guarantee against having a c-section. There is always the risk of going through the induction process, being in labor for hours, and STILL having a c-section... I know this is the best thing for us both...

... so why do I feel like such a failure? Why do I feel like I haven't done my part in making sure my baby girl is safe and that somehow I haven't done my job in giving her the absolute best environment to thrive and flourish. If I had, would these new trouble spots in my eyes have even shown up? If I hadn't tortured my body for years and years then would this have ever even been a concern? No, probably not... I know I can't take it back and I know that in the grand scheme of things, I have done a good job, but why do I feel like I could have and should have done better?

This weekend my husband was out supporting a co-worker in a breast cancer walk, and then they went to a local bar for a drink and then off to another co-worker's house to hangout. While there, he let the co-worker call to tell me I should go hang out with them (she was a bit tipsy at this point) and she kept telling me I needed to go, I needed to eat anyway and that I needed to have fun... well it all just hit me like a ton of bricks. I was all alone trying to get everything ready, like I always am, and no, I couldn't eat whatever junk it is that they are having, because I don't want my blood sugar to spike or to eat all the salt since they are monitoring my swelling so closley, and we only have three weeks left to get the house ready and painted and cleaned and organized and no, I don't need to have fun because in a few short weeks, they are going to cut me open and take my baby out on THEIR terms because I didn't do a good enough job of taking care of her. FUN isn't a priority for me right now! (Of course, I nicely told her that I couldn't go and saved the dramatics and water works for after the phone was off)

I know, totally illogical in so many ways, but for whatever reason that phone call just made it all come crashing down on top of me... or maybe it was the confirmation the day before that I was in fact scheduled for a c-section and that all the hope I had been holding onto to not only have a natural birth, but to make it closer to 39 weeks than 38 was gone, ripped from me like the tearing of a page. I guess it even sounds silly that all of that is so important to me, when after all, I have already achieved more than I thought imaginable... I am having a baby!! I guess when I dream, I dream big? I set my goals high... maybe too high?

I am just crushed that I will never go into labor, I will never know what it feels like to have a contraction and I will never hear the joyous cry of our baby after SHE decided was ready to be born and make her grand entrance. I guess it all sounds silly and I know the result is the same, but it was important to me. I desperately wanted that. I wanted all of the messiness and the completely unglamorous scene and the pain and the tears and that joy. I thought I could have that... I thought I had done my job.

I am sure that this will be such a silly post when I look back at it after she is here, but for now, I just feel kind of raw. I'll get over it, though. I mean, my BABY GIRL IS COMING!! I can't be any happier about that part of all of this ;) And in the end, that really is all that matters...

6 comments:

Araby62 (a.k.a. Kathy) said...

Not being a mom (nor planning to be), I can't possibly sympathize with you...but I can tell you that you are doing a GREAT job taking care of her already. You are doing the right things and following medical advice, and when she arrives I'm sure all of this will fade away. This is all just the D messing with your head like it does for all of us, pregnant or not.


Hang in there! We are rooting for you!

Colleen said...

You did your job, you're still doing your job. And that is, giving your daughter the best chance at a healthy life. And even better, with a healthy mom!

Katie said...

Suzanne, try not to beat yourself up. I was induced at 38 weeks, and had to get a c-section....not planned. My amnioic fluid was low, not because of diabetes just because. Try not to worry, seriously not having a contraction, consider yourself lucky!! I labored through the night only to have a c-section; you only have to do one of those! Your little girl is SO lucky to have such an amazing Mom. You already have kicked SO much butt and done everything possible during your pregnancy for her to be healthy and happy. I totally understand your frustrations though, but I'm glad to see you are still looking at the big picture. You get to have a HEALTHY happy baby in your arms in just a few weeks. You're doing great! Hang in there.

Layne said...

Aww, Suzanne. I get it. I want those things too and I know it must suck to have them taken away. But you have to stop beating yourself up!! You have done such a good job with not only your pregnancy but turning your diabetes around in the first place. Look how far you've come!

There may have been times when you could have done better but who is perfect all the time? You have done amazing and you baby girl is healthy and so are you and that is a HUGE compliment to YOUR EFFORT!

I get that this feels like a huge let down mostly because nothing has been on your terms. (As a control freak, I can totally sympathise!) My best advice is to find a way to make it on your terms. Pick your own surgery time or schedule a massage the day before. Maybe have a plan for after the delivery. . . like ask if they can let you give her her first bath (that's usually done by the nurses while the mom recovers) or make sure you husband gets to cuts the cord. There are so many small requests you can make that would be so easy for them to accomodate. And maybe if you make those requests you will feel like you've gotten a little more of a say over this day. Just a thought.

Either way your beautiful girl will be here in a little over 3 weeks!! How exciting!!

~Suzanne~ said...

Thank you all so much for your encouraging words. I am feeling a lot better now that I've had more time to let it sink in! I am still nervous, but I am pretty sure that is normal ;) I don't know what I'd do without all of you here to support me!! You all mean so much more to me than you'll ever know!

Katie ~ Zoey is so so precious!! I couldn't help but tear up reading her little birth story and see that beautiful picture!!

Katie I. said...

Hey Suzanne, I just wanted to add that I had a C-section and I'm sooo glad. It wasn't due to my T1, but because I fractured my pelvis several years ago in a car accident. After hearing all kinds of stories from my friends who had vaginal deliveries, I am soooo glad I that I had a C. I did not think the recovery was bad (it was nothing compared to the pelvic fracture!). Also, to the extent that having a C instead of a vaginal delivery could delay any sort of eye troubles (not a concern in my case, but you never know), that also makes me glad. I want to be able to see my child clearly for as long as possible. I know you're a little bummed, but trust me, in the end, you'll just be glad to hold her and that she got out safely. I'm praying for you!!!