Didn't Even Realize I Needed It!!

A wonderful friend just sent me a quick check in email (Sweet Mama) to see how I was doing since it has been a while since I blogged, and my goodness, it ignited something in me and I just started typing away, which made me realize... why don't you just blog about it?? So, here I am :)

I am doing well. You know, I don't really know how I am doing, but I always have this feeling to always try to say, "I am doing well" and then back it up with enthusiastic happy feelings to show that I actually am doing well, even when I don't really know that I am... like now.

Honestly, I'm frustrated beyond belief. My blood sugars have been up and down and up and up...and for the life of me I don't know why. Even though I know that sometimes there are just fluctuations in blood sugars, I am not convinced that I just am not doing a good job. It's gotta be something I am doing wrong, doesn't it? I am not trying hard enough. I am failing at something. I have to be, or else it would all be working out, right? Let me back up...

Last week I saw two new diabetes educators to help me tweak all of the little things that I needed to make sure my blood sugars were in the best control possible. Well, they went through my pump and goodness, I had some regular high blood sugars. I knew that for about a week, I just couldn't seem to get them down. I mean, even that day my blood sugar was around 250-350 and no matter how much insulin I took, or how little I ate it would not go down!! It just didn't make sense.

Until that night when I got home and was bolusing for the umpteenth time, and the buttons on my pump would not work. I couldn't push them to take my insulin, or do anything at all! So, I called the pump people and got a new one sent over. Then, my pump actually gave me a "button error". You are all very smart people, so I have one question for you: How do you clear a "button error" when the buttons don't work?! (don't worry, I did take the batteries out, but it was pretty humorous at the time ;))

So, I figured, good... this obviously is what has been happening...my pump has slowly been malfunctioning and probably hasn't been giving me all of my basals/boluses and the buttons were the last to go. Yay! I solved the puzzle!

Wrong. Everyday I am in the 200 and 300s and don't know why they go up or how to get them down. Every now and then a low will sneak in, but it is rare and always leads to a high. I even have my CGMS in to help me better track what is going on, but so far, it seems to be unpredicatable.

I am frustrated, confused, concerned and I feel like a failure. I don't know what to do to get it back down or to stay regular or to just make it all work like it had been. What am I doing that is so wrong. I bolus for my food, and I correct when it is high, but it still stays high. I feel nautious and tired and I can feel my highs starting when they get to around 180ish and then I just get panicked because I know how horrible it is for my body and I know I will never get the opportunity to be pregnant if I can't regulate these blood sugars.

I feel like I want to cry everytime it happens, which is just about constantly these days. So, no, I guess I am really not doing that well, at least in regards to my diabetes and blood sugars...and I don't know how I can really do well emotionally otherwise if that's not all in check and when it is constantly on my mind... it's just, no one else understands so why bother getting into it. It's nice to have somewhere to just get it all out and cry about it with people who really understand.

I was hesitant to blog about it because I didn't have a solution, or a story, or a point and I hate to always just vent about my frustrations...but sometimes, that is exactly what I need. It's nice to just put it all out there and not have to hold it in so tightly. You think now my blood sugars will behave??? We'll see :)