Wow, what a complete whirlwind the past several months have been! Kate is now 3 1/2 months old (or 15 1/2 weeks :)). She is growing like a weed and she somehow gets cuter every day! I love being a Mommy, yet somehow it still doesn't feel quite real.
I was talking to Brad about this yesterday. I never thought I would get pregnant, either because I couldn't or because I shouldn't, but I did and I had the most amazing, uneventful pregnancy imaginable which resulted in the most perfect miracle I could never have dreamed up myself. I find myself looking at her sometimes and just wondering if this is all real, but it really hasn't hit me yet. I don't think I've absorbed the magnitude of what has happened in our lives... Considering I have not slept through an entire night since Kate was born (and only once have I slept for 6 hours in a row!), I still cannot form complete sentences that make any sense, I reread typed words and sentences and realize nothing makes sense and words a mismatched and misspelled (sorry about that), and I find myself unable to speak of much other than my precious daughter, you'd think it would feel real... but how do you erase a lifetime (or so it feels) of doubt about whether this day would ever come?
Please don't get me wrong, it's a good feeling, a comforting one and I cherish every minute of my time with Kate. Sometimes I just look at her and my eyes well up with tears and I think my heart is just going to explode with love for her. I try to soak every moment in, because I also know that I may not be able to give her a brother or a sister one day, for all the same reasons I thought I'd never get the honor to meet her and be her Mommy.
I also know that just because she is here now and she is no longer dependent on the constant care of my body to help her to grow and thrive, that she is still dependent on me and to ensure that she can grow and thrive in this world, I have to continue to take care of myself. I also know that I don't want her to watch me neglect my diabetes and then have one of my greatest fears come true, that she is diagnosed with diabetes as well. I know that regardless of if she is diagnosed, I have to be a role model for her, just in case. If she is diagnosed, I want her to know that there are worse things, and that diabetes doesn't have to be so bad, because, heck, her Momma has it and is doing just fine. I want her to know that life with diabetes is still life, and a heck of a good one.
I also know thatI want to stick around for a while, and to do that, I have to make sure that I am taken care of. I've got years and years to watch my baby grow up and transform from a tiny baby, to a sassy little girl to a strong woman, and then one day, to a Mommy herself. I want to watch her and support her through it all.
But my goodness is it hard! It's something I didn't read about or hear about when talking about pregnancy and diabetes, although I suppose I should have figured it out. I will say, that keeping up good control after giving birth and welcoming this tiny little baby into our lives is HARD and my diabetes is once again on a back burner. After being so diligent, I am amazed at how quickly I've forgotten it. I suppose my main problem is that I feel like I don't have time to check my blood sugars, especially when I have a crying baby on my hands. I feel like I can't just put her down to check, especially if she needs me or if she's busy talking away and laughing at me. I don't want to miss a moment, even to check my blood sugars. I am also still breastfeeding, although I was never able to do so exclusively, unfortunately. I often wonder if my out of whack blood sugars had something to do with that... Gaining control of my daibetes is something I've been really trying to work on over the past several weeks; I know it is important. I mean, if I want another baby one day, my future child will depend on it. And Kate still depends on it, too. She will always depend on me to step up and take care of myself, no matter how tired I am, or distracted I am. She needs me now and I don't want her to have to go around telling people that her Mom had diabetes and has X complication because she didn't take good enough care of herself. It would absolutely break my heart...
I suppose all I need to do is know that when I am neglecting myself, Kate is feeling neglected, too, and she is likely making this face at me:
BUT when I am doing my job and making sure my health is taken care of, and therefore that she is taken care of, I'll be getting many many more of these:
Now that should be motivation enough!!