Fallen off the Wagon...

Well, as some of you may have guessed by my absence, I haven't been the best about my diabetes care lately. Honestly, I think it all stemmed with my latest A1C. I think it was in August. It wasn't as horrible as it used to be, but it was about .2 higher than my last, and I had been trying SO hard to do well and keep things under control, but it didn't work. I feel like the goal of getting that number under 7 is impossible. I struggle too much on a daily basis to regularly do well. I mean, I can do well for weeks and weeks, and then for a few days I just stop. I don't check my blood sugar and I eat whatever I want, when I want, without bolusing accordingly.

How do I change that?? When I am motivated, I am so motivated. But when I struggle, I throw it ALL out of the window. I have recently decided that I am what I like to call "passionate" and I am very much a person of extremes. I also think I am very logical, but I have an obsessive personality and I over analyze just about everything. When I am happy, I am very happy and I take in the little things in life, but when I am mad, I get very angry, although it doesn't last very long. When I do well, I am perfect...maybe too perfect to sustain, and when I do poorly, I let everything go. I am obsessive in the sense that when I am doing well, in regards to blood sugar, dieting or exercise, I think about it constantly and don't give myself any slack. I can't stand it when my blood sugar is off for what seems to be no reason at all because it doesn't make sense. I don't like things that I can't control!! I am sure many of you share many of those same frustrations...

Why can't I find a happy medium in all of this. Why can't I do well without fearing that at any second my blood sugar will rise for no reason and I will lose all control over it. Why can't I accept the fact that I will NEVER be perfect in regards to my diabetes...or I guess anything else! I don't like to lose control over things; it scares me.

I am not going to return to deliberately making my blood sugar high, but I don't even want to be in a place where I can just "give up" when the going gets tough. I want to be in that place where there are no excuses and you just do as well as you can and just keep fighting. But how do I get there without feeling overwhelmed and frustrated? Does the frustration ever go away??

The last time I put my sensor in, I must admit, I did a lot better. I didn't let the information overload overwhelm me like I had in the past. I let it guide me and instead of checking my blood sugar 15 times per day, I just let myself trust that the sensor was doing its job and only checked when I needed to. I think if I just keep my sensor in and treating it as a tool to help guide me instead of something that I need to constantly be on top of and to keep checking to make sure my blood sugar is perfect at every second, I will do ok...

I suppose that is my plan. I am just ready to be alright with all of this and accept it for what it is, but I don't feel like this is ever even possible... I'll try to do better checking in on here. I know that always keeps me motivated :~)

Looking Back...

I have just spent today looking back on when this journey began. I cannot believe it has only been around 4 months since I was "born again". I am amazed at how far I have come and how determined I still am. I know that it was my choice, my determination and my strength that brought me to this place, but I don't think the decision would have been so clear or my strength nearly as strong if it had not been for everyone that I have met online. Following your stories and having the opportunity to speak about my story has been incredibly motivating. I feel blessed everyday by your presence, and I hope you do the same.

This journey has taken me so far: From starting fresh in the beginning, with my old pump, my old basal rates, and my old ideas about my diabetes to having to go back to shots when my pump broke to now having my new pump with all of its glory and wonder!! Just four months ago I hadn't checked my blood sugar more than 5 times per year, for just about the past 10 years or so (sometimes temporarily getting back on track, but then very soon after falling again). I know I will still face a lot of struggles, and I do now, especially with my weight, but I am holding on.

It was so easy to fall before because I felt so alone. I could fall and no one knew, or cared. But now, I feel as though people CARE about how I am doing, and I don't like to disappoint :). Although, even when I do feel like I am disappointing, I just get a pat on the back, a "that's ok" and a "let's try again".

The entire online diabetes community to me is represented by a complete circle of friends. In that circle, we are all leaning against each other in the circle. It is so hard to fall, because there is always someone there to catch you and if I do fall, it is as though the entire circle feels the tug as the circle moves in that direction and everyone reacts. There is always someone there to help me back up and to allow me to again lean on them. No one in the circle can keep someone up. I know I have to carry my own weight and stand with my own strength, but you are all there supporting me and are there to pick me back up. I won't be perfect, and I will sometimes lose my strength, become weak, and occassionally I may even fall...but I know that with everyone there around me, it won't take me long to get back up.

My hope is that everyone with diabetes can feel as inspired by this community as I have. As always, I hope to also be there for others who are struggling or just need a friend who understands. I can't judge you because I have been there, and I know how scary and lonely it can be. It is a hard journey, and it may be a long one, but I promise you can do it!! You just have to believe it, too.