The Most Beautiful Smile I Have EVER Seen :)

I know, I know, it has been way too long since my last update!! I have tried updating before, but it takes so long to type my updates out (several days) that they have been deleted, and for some reason not saved in drafts, before I could post them!! I guess that is what my new life as Kate's Mommy is going to be like :)

Kate is 8 weeks old!! I just can't believe it! I feel like just in the past week or two she has grown so much... we've watched her transform from a tiny little newborn to a chunky precious baby! AND over the past several weeks she has slowly begun to work on her beautiful smile and started showing us little bits and pieces of it last week when she showed off her final product... and goodness is it beautiful! She's starting to laugh now, too. It is amazing how from the very moment I wake up in the morning, my main goal for the entire day is to see Kate smile!

She is also starting to coo and talk to us, which is so much fun. The first time she did it several weeks ago, I was so taken back by how much I loved the sound of her precious voice!! I was looking forward and excited about her cooing, but I had never thought about the sound of her voice as one of her "firsts" to look forward to! What an absolutely beautiful sound that !

Kate had her two month appointment and she is now 10 pounds and 3 ounces and is 22 1/2 inches long. We went with our list of usual questions, one of which always includes "how cute is too cute?" but I know the answer to that one :)

We have also been traveling and making sure Kate is getting out and about. We've driven the hour and a half to spend some time with my parents when she was 3 1/2 weeks and then a week or so later again when our a/c went out at our house (see Kate without a/c in her bouncy chair... in her crib for her night without a/c on the left; she sleeps this way every night, although usually covered up) and also the 5 hour drive to see Brad's parents. It was so much fun and it was so wonderful to get out of the house!! I never thought I would enjoy just getting out and seeing the light of day as much as I have!!

Kate has also continuing to roll over, which still just amazes us! Brad loves to show everyone her neat little trick and we are just so impressed with her. She still continues to amaze us with how strong she is and how well she holds her head up. She is also so alert! We recently took our first Mommy/daughter trip to Wal-mart and she just looked around at all the colors and things the entire time! She loves getting out of the house, meeting new people, and unfortunately, she seems to really enjoy shopping!! She is just so good and is a wonderful joy! I can't help but have this crazy, scary feeling that she will be crawling and moving before we know it!! Yikes!! :)

So, that is some of the things we have been up to. I will make sure to try to update you all more often, but it really is so hard! Kate is only taking two or three 30 minute to 1 hour naps during the day (but has been sleeping 5 and the 4 hours during the night!), so that leaves me with very little time to do much (I now have a toothbrush/toothpaste downstairs, as well as upstairs)!! But, I wouldn't rather be doing anything other than spending my days with her... waiting for that smile!

Please know that I do think about you all very often and the only reason I am looking forward to returning to work is that I will have more time to catch up with how you are all doing, as well as share more on what is going on in our lives. I really do miss you all!!

Almost one month later...

I cannot believe that my baby girl is almost a month old already!! Time really does fly and it makes me sad that she'll never be this little again, but I know we have so much fun ahead of us!

We are doing well and enjoying our time together while I am home (yep, already dreading the return to work :( ) and we trying our best to figure out the Mommy and Daddy thing ;) She's made it this far, so we must be doing something right!!

Brad is an absolutely wonderful Daddy and Kate has him wrapped around her very long little finger already! Brad has a way to make Kate fall asleep and is so gentle with her; he can even make her stop crying by, get this, holding her tiny little hand!! They definitely love their Daddy/daughter time and I love watching them!

Kate is such a joy and is a wonderful baby. She makes us laugh and smile all day (and night) with her feisty little personality and all of her funny faces and little grunts...and boy are there lots of them! My favorite is when she yawns really big, and then she follows it with a long grunt and a face scrunch, all in one silly flowing action. She is also so alert and will open her eyes wide and just gaze around her. I know she can't see much quite yet, but you'd swear she could.

She is also so strong! She cranes her head back and turns her head from side to side and she can even roll from one side to the other. She can hold her head up for an impressive amount of time and can even lift her little body off of us when lying on our chests....and has been for a couple of weeks!! We definitely see a lot of determination and a dose of stubbornness in her, too. Kate is definitely a spunky little thing and is just so full of amazement. Every day we are so incredibly in awe of her and we are already so proud of every little thing she does!

Breastfeeding was a challenge at first, but we are doing better now... it is definitely one of the most difficult things I've ever done, mainly because it was so important to me and I had no clue what to expect, so I was constantly second guessing myself. What I thought was an inability on my part to satisfy her ended up being her love to pacify on me! Introducing a pacifier was a lifesaver for us, even though I was extremely hesitant at first, since "they" say you shouldn't! But, she does fine with it and I am feeling better about all of it. We do still have to supplement her with a few ounces of formula at night, but we are trying to stop that, too... although, we will see how that goes!

Even when there are no more lights in the sky and all is quiet in the world except for in our little house, we can't help but smile and laugh at our precious little Kate. What an awesome adventure we are now on, one that I am sure will bring lots of ups and downs, but mostly lots of love and happiness in our hearts and in our lives. Brad and I are just so thrilled to have Kate with us and we cannot wait to see the little person that she will become!

Thank you all for your love and support and we can't wait to share this incredible new journey with you all!


P.S. - If there is anyone out there who has questions about diabetes and pregnancy, or just questions about life with baby, please please don't hesitate to let me know. I am certainly no expert, but I am happy to be an open book about my own experiences!!

Baby Kate is here and goodness is she a beauty! :)

That's her furrowed brow expression at 2 days old...oh Mommy and Daddy are in BIG trouble!

Whooo, what a whirlwind it has been... Kate is napping and I finally have few minutes (seconds...??) to catch everyone up. I have not watched tv or been online since her birth... and no I can't imagine what I've done all that time either, especially since only 2 -3 hours/day has been sleeping... so here it is, my precious girl's "birth story":

Kate arrived on March 31 at 12:42 weighing 6 pounds 8 ounces and is 19 3/4 inches long. She's beautiful and more than I could have ever imagined! I went ahead and decided to have a c-section due to a more controlled environment and my retinopathy. You were all right, even though I was extremely scared of the surgery, it wasn't so bad after all and once I saw my beautiful daughter, it didn't matter anyway.

I am having trouble breastfeeding and it has been quite a challenge... one of the things I wanted most was to be able to breastfeed, but it doesn't seem to be coming naturally for me. I've gotten about 2 hours of sleep each night since she's been born (is that normal?!?) and am pretty tired, but trying as hard as I can. I am not giving up easily, but know that it may not work out... she is continuing to root around even after I feed her and never seems to be satisfied, but i don't know if it is lack of milk or if she is starting to pacify herself at the breast because she frequently falls asleep right when I put her back on. I guess we just have to figure it all out and I keep telling myself that regardless of what happens, she will be okay.

I just wanted to give you a quick update while I could. Kate is just so precious and it has definitely been love at first sight and even though we are struggling a little, she really is just perfect in every way and even in between tears and sleep deprivation when I see her little face, I can't help but smile and even with the exhaustion, frustration, fear and anxiety, this mommy thing is pretty awesome!!

So.... c-section or induce??? How do I decide?!

Another Friday appointment and ultrasound gone, but more questions are left unanswered. This past Friday, I saw both my OB and my MFM Specialist, but I really wish I had seen my OB after MFM...

First my OB, who I trust very much. At my appointment, she mentioned that if my protein made another significant jump, she would schedule me for THIS Wednesday rather than next. The deciding factor will be the results of my weekly HELLP Panel and 24 hour, which I turned in this morning. She has been saying, and repeated again, that everything so far has gone remarkably well and that she doesn't want to push it by going too far. We've all come too far for things to go poorly now, and I agree. I trust her and I know that she will do what is best for both my and my baby...

Then we went for the u/s with MFM and saw a doctor who I had never seen before, since ours was out that Friday, and well, they are "Friday checkups" for a reason ;) All looked great with our wonderful baby girl, who was now about 5 pounds, 7 ounces. As usual, she hid her face, but nevertheless, I think I could pick that little u/s face out of a lineup with 100 other babies! All continues to look great, and again, we can't hope for more than that! However, on the way out the door, the MFM doc asked us what our plan for delivery was. So, I told him that based on my ophtholmologists recommendation, we were scheduled for a c-section. His response went something like this (remember, he is one foot out the door):

"Really?? I have never heard of a c-section being recommended based on diabetic retinopathy... You could certainly go through a vaginal delivery and when it came time to push, they would just use that vacuum thing or forceps... You could always get a second opinion (from another ophth), ... mumbled something about it just being his opinion ... but I am a specialist so I guess that is what I am here for " and then he was gone....

Basically, all I heard was that I don't necessarily have to have a c-section, while my husband just looked at me and shook his head, reading my mind and hoping I wouldn't go there, afterall, he also trusts my OB and really wants what is best for both me and the baby.

So, now I'm confused and don't know what to do. I mean, the MFM doc IS a specialist, so he should know a little something about it... but my OB also knows me and I trust her opinion, as well... and my ophth, who is my cousin, but doesn't have a huge amount of experience yet, let alone experience with T1 pregnancies and I know she got her recommendation from the black and white pages of a text book... and then there is MY opinion and my dream to have a normal delivery, but who knows if that will happen regardless of the "plan"... and so the circle goes...

There are pros and cons to each, but how do I know what outweighs the other when I don't know the OUTCOME?!

So, I've called my OB this morning to get her opinion. If she still thinks c-section is best, then I'll go with it, but I want her to know that I am still open to being induced, if possible and even if it ends up resulting in a c-section anyway.

One thing I do know is that my protein was stable after today's results and we have another week for this baby girl to grow, to get stronger, and to help us make an educated decision on how exactly she will enter this world on March 31st... although, you know, if we can push it back into April, I'd be okay with that, too ... ;)

New updated nursery pics coming soon!!

Getting closer... but hopefully not TOOO close!!

Ahhh, another week down and we are almost to 36 1/2 weeks! Yep, still crazy ;) Last friday, we had our usual: perfect u/s, doc visit and this time my bp was even about what it is at home (134/82) rather than the 150/90 that I usually get when I sit down in the doc office chair in that little bitty room... then blood work followed. Everything looked great, as it has been, and I was sent home with my wonderful orange container to collect my weekly 24 hour.

Well on Monday the nurse called with my results, and the protein is continuing to go up... so, she said "we will not put you on bed rest, but we are going to limit your activity and you can only work 4 hours a day..." After we hung up, I called Brad to talk about how absolutely silly this is. I mean, I literally sit at my desk all day and do nothing at all. I get up only to use the restroom and to get my lunch. At home, I know I will be doing so much more than that, especially with my precious little Bella, who enjoys going in and out of our house constantly when I am home! I can't work part-time now... I need all the leave I can get for AFTER she arrives!!

So, after I told Brad that I was going to refuse to listen and just wouldn't tell anyone at work... he convinced me to just call and explain the situation to my doctor, so I did :) And I get to work all 8 hours, as long as I PROMISE that I sit there with my feet up (not only awkward, but very uncomfortable, haha!) and that I do NOTHING when I get home... so, I complied, and am still complying (go me!).

I don't like to just sit there, especially when I FEEL perfectly fine and capable to do whatever I want, but I have decided that the doctor probably knows what she is talking about and that for my sake and our precious angel's sake, I will do it :) I mean, at least I am not on bedrest... I don't know how those amazing women get through bed rest!! They are defniitely stronger than I am... the thought of it causes my blood pressure to skyrocket!

So, for now, things continue to be the same and we are just about another week down! Less than two weeks until we meet our precious girl :)

Nursery Pictures and Baby Belly: Her Current and Future Homes!

Today, instead of just the regular diabetes check-up update, I really wanted to share some fun things, because well, I think I am kind of fun, and well there is more to me than diabetes :) So, here are some pictures of baby girl's nursery and an updated picture of me, in all my big belly glory!

Getting her nursery to where it is now has been a long process and it is still pretty messy in there, but it is all coming together!! These pictures were taken several weeks ago, so things have even changed since then, but hopefully after we accomplish a lo this weekend (hey, I said hopefully, didn't I...) I can take new pictures :) We've gotten so many wonderful things from so many wonderful people that her little bity room is quite full, haha!

Soooo, this is what we started with, after we emptied out the messy office/junk room stuff and somehow found a new place for it to all go, but before we got started with paint, new blinds, etc. It only took two coats of primer and two coats of paint to get the yellow covered...

...but we did it! We went with just a neutral paint color, mainly since we don't plan to live here forever and didn't want to have to repaint later on, and we also didn't want anything TOO pink, so we thought neutral was a good way to go. I think it makes a nice background for all of the dark furniture... It's actually not as white in person.

I told you it was still messy in there!! We've actually made several changes since these pictures were taken... Her crib and changing table are still on that same wall, but the secretary with the glass case on top is now moved to the wall opposite her crib and we have our glider in there, too, where the secretary used to be... next to the window, which is the big brown rectangle that actually kind of looks like a door in these pictures... It really is crazy how fast that little room filled up! Haha!

These are some little knobs that my Mom and I found for the new closet doors that we bought... and painted. They are just so cute and I love that they add a little splash of color and character.

And lastly we have her "new" closet, just about complete. We painted the inside, replaced and painted the closet doors, and then Brad had to move the hanging bar up a little, which took much longer than either of us expected, but he's proved himself to be a very specatular handy man once again! He definitely likes to show off for his girls :)

We also added two sets of drawers/shelves under the hanging rod... I'm still not quite sure yet how to organize it all; although I figure that will likely come when I know how the space will actually be used.

Now we just need to decorate!! We have lots of great things to put in her glass case and on her walls from our wonderful showers, and next we will add her curtains, bed skirt, bumper and bedding, which my Mom is working on (as we speak, actually :)). Here are the fabric samples of what we are using. The daisy pattern is her curtains, then the polka dot/brown is her bumper and skirt and the pink/white stripe is actually sheets that I have had forever that we are going to make into crib sheets for her! We aren't using the green and the solid brown is very soft minky that will be on the opposite side of her bumper and will be used for a blanket with the daisy pattern.

I can't wait to see it all complete! Baby girl definitely has the nicest room in the house and she'll be joining us in only about 3 more weeks!!!

And finally, an updated picture of my growing "baby bump"! Good thing this picture doesn't also capture my ankles.... which are quickly growing into tree trunks! YIKES!

Well, It's For Real...

My Ob, Dr. G, agreed with my ophth... March 31st via c-section it is. I know it's the best thing, and I knew immediately that it was. I mean, if not a c-section, they would still induce me at 38 weeks, and that is no guarantee against having a c-section. There is always the risk of going through the induction process, being in labor for hours, and STILL having a c-section... I know this is the best thing for us both...

... so why do I feel like such a failure? Why do I feel like I haven't done my part in making sure my baby girl is safe and that somehow I haven't done my job in giving her the absolute best environment to thrive and flourish. If I had, would these new trouble spots in my eyes have even shown up? If I hadn't tortured my body for years and years then would this have ever even been a concern? No, probably not... I know I can't take it back and I know that in the grand scheme of things, I have done a good job, but why do I feel like I could have and should have done better?

This weekend my husband was out supporting a co-worker in a breast cancer walk, and then they went to a local bar for a drink and then off to another co-worker's house to hangout. While there, he let the co-worker call to tell me I should go hang out with them (she was a bit tipsy at this point) and she kept telling me I needed to go, I needed to eat anyway and that I needed to have fun... well it all just hit me like a ton of bricks. I was all alone trying to get everything ready, like I always am, and no, I couldn't eat whatever junk it is that they are having, because I don't want my blood sugar to spike or to eat all the salt since they are monitoring my swelling so closley, and we only have three weeks left to get the house ready and painted and cleaned and organized and no, I don't need to have fun because in a few short weeks, they are going to cut me open and take my baby out on THEIR terms because I didn't do a good enough job of taking care of her. FUN isn't a priority for me right now! (Of course, I nicely told her that I couldn't go and saved the dramatics and water works for after the phone was off)

I know, totally illogical in so many ways, but for whatever reason that phone call just made it all come crashing down on top of me... or maybe it was the confirmation the day before that I was in fact scheduled for a c-section and that all the hope I had been holding onto to not only have a natural birth, but to make it closer to 39 weeks than 38 was gone, ripped from me like the tearing of a page. I guess it even sounds silly that all of that is so important to me, when after all, I have already achieved more than I thought imaginable... I am having a baby!! I guess when I dream, I dream big? I set my goals high... maybe too high?

I am just crushed that I will never go into labor, I will never know what it feels like to have a contraction and I will never hear the joyous cry of our baby after SHE decided was ready to be born and make her grand entrance. I guess it all sounds silly and I know the result is the same, but it was important to me. I desperately wanted that. I wanted all of the messiness and the completely unglamorous scene and the pain and the tears and that joy. I thought I could have that... I thought I had done my job.

I am sure that this will be such a silly post when I look back at it after she is here, but for now, I just feel kind of raw. I'll get over it, though. I mean, my BABY GIRL IS COMING!! I can't be any happier about that part of all of this ;) And in the end, that really is all that matters...