The Crazy Girl with the Chocolate Smeared Smile

Easter. Such a joyous time for Catholics and Christians all around the world as we celebrate the sacrifices that God and Jesus made for us. Jesus DIED for our sins... and I can't even resist one little darn chocolate easter egg, let alone hoarding the whole bag and eating them one by one as my heart aches in a strange way and I feel more sick to my stomach than even nearly satsified!

There is something about Easter and Halloween and all of those delicious candy filled "special"holidays that turn me into this crazed lunatic when it comes to candy and food and what is otherwise known as the "once forbidden fruit". These "special" occassions also just so happen to bring out the most outrageous and uncharacteristic hoarding tendancies I've ever known, while making me feel all alone in my diabetes all over again.

My husband has come to realize, thankfully quite quickly, food means a lot to me: I save my favorite thing for last; if he gets a "treat", I want a "treat"; I want to try everyone's food; he better not eat the last of that whatever without first asking me if it is ok, and the list of crazy food rules go on and on. If any of these rules are broken, something inside of me wants to fly into an incredible hissy fit that would give any 2 or 3 year old a run for their money. Of course, I do hold it in, but for some reason something inside of me just goes off and I get anxious and frustrated and I want to just cry...

Do I blame diabetes, you ask... Well of COURSE I do!! I think because for so long I could not have any type of "special" food or treat that now when I have the opportunity to and for some reason it is taken away from me, I feel like that 9 year old sitting at the birthday party surrounded by friends but feeling all alone while everyone enjoys their cake while I try to pretend that it doesn't bother me at all...but while all I really want to do is go home so I can have a good cry all alone in my room about all the reasons life isn't fair and why I have to be singled out and why I can't have anything "special"!

Of course, even during those times when it was still not allowed, I would find the hidden candy that my Mom would keep as her "special" treats, and my sister's candy that was full of sugar and I would just eat all that I could eat, without even tasting it. Why? I have absolutely no clue, but I did and it is what I want to do everytime I am faced with all of these yummy temptations.

I know, it sounds crazy!! And worst of all, when it is happening, I FEEL crazy. I know in my adult mind that it is unreasonable and illogical and wrong and I can do what I want without having to go to extremes...that in the world of diabetes today, I AM normal. But those sad memories are so strong and powerful and they have trained the way I think today and I overcompensate by wanted to eat EVERYTHING now that I can. I want to be 'SPECIAL', too!

Of course, most of this is an internal battle, I don't really go around screaming at children to get away from my candy or running through the halls with a mouth full of chocolate and skittles while making really strange noises and waving my hands in the air, but it does tug at my heart everytime someone reaches into MY candy jar and takes a treat for themself. Goodness, if only they knew that the crazy girl with the chocolate smeared smile was just waiting for the right time to pounce! ;) Thankfully, so far this year the body count remains at 0...but those chocolate eggs haven't been nearly so lucky!

Dreading the Workout

I think what happened this last time to get me off track was the "work out" phenomena. In order to work out, I have to unplug and then deliberately get my blood sugar high enough so that I don't crash during a workout... but this goes completely against everything that I have been working so hard to accomplish!!

I don't WANT my blood sugar to be high and I don't think that I should deliberately make it high so that I can go work out...but if I am going to lose any of this horrible weight I have put on, I HAVE to work out...or I could go back to my old habits and deliberately make my blood sugar high...see the conundrum here? Of course, getting my blood sugar high enough to exercise is not even remotely comparable to what I have done in the past, but it still makes the battle that much more difficult and I worry that I will allow myself to fall back into old patterns if I am falling into the same behavior, even it a very reduced level.

Also, I know that when the time comes and I am pregnant, I can't risk the health of our baby to make my blood sugar high to work out... Even seeing the high number discourages me, and I STILL usually end up going low, unless I am in the 300s or so!! ...so how do you guys do it?!? What are your work out tips?? I just can't seem to figure this out at all...

And really, what is the point of busting my toosh working out if I am only going to take in the same amount of calories in juice, glucose tabs, etc.?? HELP!!

Where have I been?!?

Wow, seems like I have been very distant lately, and I guess I have. I am not going to lie and say things have been great on the diabetes front, but they haven't been absolutely horrible, either. I haven't been checking like I should, which of course always leads to highs, but I haven't completely given up, either.

A week or so ago, my husband and I went on our late honeymoon cruise. It was a blast!!! Talk about having diabetes issues, though. On excursions, where do I put my pump? Can I leave it in my bag and not worry? How long will I be gone? What if I get low in the middle of our kayak excursion and I don't have my bag because, well, there was no where to put it?! YIKES! Things worked out, but I can't say I was completely relaxed about it all!

I desperately need to just get back on track and stay focused, and how do I do that?!? Well, by coming back here and checking in and reading up on what's been going on in all of my diabetes buddies lives :)

Bittersweet...

Well, for the first time in my 18 years as a diabetic, my A1C was down to 7.5!! How awesome is that!?! I just want to shout from the rooftops "I CAN DO IT, I CAN DO IT, AND I DID IT!!!"

The sensors have definitely helped, but I am going to take some credit here, too. I stayed strong, remained dedicated, sucked up the weight gain, and just kept going. Sure, I had bad days, and I had periods where I would slack off, but I always got back on track and I know that next time, it will be even lower :)

However, my microalbumin level was up to 33. Last year it was 9, which was within range (0-18), but now it is up to 33. My doc is out of town, so I have to wait to see what my "plan" will be, but I am trying not to feel too discouraged by it. I am hoping I can still have children, but I am waiting for doctor's orders. I don't want to put myself or my baby at risk...

Talk about a hell of a weekend, though. I thought I was going to have a heart attack, stroke and panic attack all at the same time trying to get in touch with the doctor to get my results this morning. I was so scared!! But, at least now I know and I know I just have to keep fighting hard, just like everyone else :)

Is this the one that will change my life?

Every three months (or so...), like a good little diabetic, I wake up, put my brave face on and tramp right on over to my endo's office. I sit and wait without trying to fidget too much and maintain a look of calmness and confidence. I go through the routine, tell him about my blood sugars, let him check my feet, and all the usuals, and then I ask him my questions, and leave. I go down to get my blood drawn and urine tested, and head out for the day.

Then I wait. I wait to find out whether this will be the call that changes my life forever. The one where all of those complications I have been warned about my entire life are starting to show their ugly face...or in the case of my eyes, show up again.

The doc usually calls me and misses, so I generally have to call him back, trying to emotionally prepare myself for what is to come. Did his voice in my inbox sound optimistic, disappointed, concerned? Or maybe he is just tired after a long day?

Not only is going to my 3 month check up like getting my report card, but it is also the time I find out whether I will still be able to live my life like a normal, healthy person with diabetes, or whether the complications are starting to take over, changing my world forever. One call, that's all it takes, isn't it?

This might sound somewhat morbid, but after having diabetes for 18 years, isn't that somewhat of a reality? My A1c has never been in the 7 or 8s...for 18 years it is has been flying high around 10 or above. And let me be clear, I don't obsess over it. It is just an awareness that I have. I always try to be prepared for the worst, and I don't want to be surprised, so I always know that this could potentially be the call.

Well, I had my appointment today and he called at 5, I missed it. So, I am going to live this weekend like it might be my last without the reality of severe complications, and try to stop analyzing how his voice might have sounded...

I prayed for YOU

Just a quick update: I have been doing very very well since my last post, well up until Christmas, that is. For several days my blood sugar was PERFECT. I mean, I couldn't do any better if I had been cured by a miracle from God!! But then, I woke up on Christmas with a fever blister and a horrible cold. I suppose the traveling every single weekend for two months straight caught up to me... Since then, my blood sugars have been absolutely insane. I cannot get them down for anything!! It is quite frustrating, but I know that it is likely due to the cold still in my system :(
Oh well, I am fighting it and doing what I can to get over it and to get back to my wonderful blood sugars!

Christmas day itself was not bad. I really did better than I thought, although, it is always hard to guesstimate and keep track of carbs when there are so many yummy yummy things around. At one point, I stopped and prayed for all of you. For those who were celebrating Christmas, that you stayed strong, enjoyed your day, and stayed on track and for those who didn't celebrate Christmas, that you stayed strong, enjoyed YOUR day, and stayed on track. I thanked God for giving me one of the most wonderful gifts ever: all of YOU and knowing that I am never alone in this struggle. You are always in my prayers and I hope that you also know that you are never alone in your own journey!!

Irrational Fears... or Not??

Every now and then I go through a phase where I am totally consumed by fear. It doesn't happen very frequently, although maybe it should... I have always gotten out of my crisis mode by telling myself that they were just irrational fears, but I have recently come to the conclusion that they are absolutely not irrational; they are real and they should make me realize that at some point, I've got to stop.

I've got to stop giving up when I am scared, when I get frustrated, when I get angry that it is me dealing with this stupid disease, when I get too lazy to care, when I get so consumed by my weight and "how I look" that I sacrifice my health... where will I draw the line?

I have had diabetes for 18 years now, and for just about 18 years I have not been under good control. I am lucky to be alive, let alone still able to walk, see, etc. I do have some retinopathy and I am on ACE inhibitors, but I don't know if it was preventative or because I had some existing damage. The doctor never really explained it to me and I suppose I have convinced myself that if it was serious, he would have.

I think one thing that seriously overwhelms me is the thought that every single day makes a difference, which in turn means that every bad blood sugar also has an impact, right? Every single one. But I can't prevent every single High... it is impossible and somewhat out of my control unless I do nothing but focus on my diabetes, so I used to get completely overwhelmed and give up. I have recently come to the conclusion that giving up really isn't an option anymore. So what if I get frustrated and angry and upset and ask "why me"... I still have to push forward and get it done. There is no other option. It's the only choice I have...because at some point my fears won't be just something that scares me to death for my future, they will be a harsh reality that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I will only get so many chances and so many "warnings".

The fact is this: I have diabetes. I AM a diabetic. I have to use the tools that I have to control it, because that is what diabetics all over the world have to do. I am no exception.

My little crisis modes should have forced me to fight harder, not get scared and give up. I don't understand why I react that way. Giving up does not seem as though it would have been a logical option when I am afraid of the consequences of my neglect of my diabetes, but for 18 years it has been. I don't know what life has in store for me, but I know that all I can do today is to ensure that whatever damage has been done doesn't get worse. Thinking about the past 18 years won't change them, unfortunately, but every good decision from here on out counts, too, right?

So, lately I have been living in the fear of the rational possibilities of the harm I have caused, of MY own consequences of MY actions, and it hurts, but maybe it is exactly what I need.