Just my luck. You know, I heard once that God was a great comedian, and I am certainly beginning to think that He is, although, to me, he isn't being so funny! I'll start at the beginning:
Last week I went to see my endo again. It was a great visit and he really is such a wonderful man! Of course, we couldn't do very much until we got my numbers in. I set up an appointment to see the diabetes educator on the morning after we got back from our Christmas visits. I had done really well for the two weeks prior and I did pretty well for the week or so after. Well, I did well until "Christmas vacation". So I didn't really check or do much except randomly bolus for food during the vacation period, which ended yesterday.
During the 5 hour drive back home, my endo called with my results. My A1c was 11.1, which was not at all surprising to me. It will at least give me a starting point. Then he said that my kidneys were still ok, my thyroid good, and that my cholesterol was spectacular. Apparently my good cholesterol is 20 points higher than my bad, which is like 1 in a million! He said if my sugars get under control, I could live to be 100! That was great news to me!
Well, this morning was our visit with the diabetes educator. My husband wanted to come along, which I was very happy with. He is so eager to learn and it makes me feel so special and blessed to have him! Well, about five minutes before we left, my pump started beeping. 09: Technical Inspection Due. GREAT!! That means that you need to send your pump in for it's inspection. Bad thing is is that, they don't MAKE my pumps anymore, and therefore do not inspect them. They originally send two, and this had already happened with my "backup". I haven't been on shots for 6 years or so, and even when I was, I wasn't controlled. I don't remember anything about it! Nothing. I think I just blocked it all out to be honest, haha! Well, at least we were going to the clinic anyway. But God's little timing wasn't very funny to me. I mean, I KNOW this is a good thing. I know this will be wonderful. I know that it is more than likely EXACTLY what I need right now, but I just don't care. I am mad and frustrated and angry. This means that I will actually have to ACT like I have diabetes. I don't feel ready. I don't feel like I can yet. But I suppose I will have to. And I will. And I will do great. And I will be fine. I guess I am just scared right now that I can't do it. I am afraid I won't be able to make it. I suppose there is a tad of perfectionism in me that doesn't like to be let down. If I can't do it perfectly, why try. I know that is a very flawed argument and it doesn't even make much sense, but sometimes how we feel isn't logical. So, for now I am on 30 units of Lantus every morning and a unit of humalog for every 15 carbs, and of course a sliding scale. I have no idea how this is going to work in my body, but I guess that is what I need to figure out at this point. I am starting over. I am like I am newly diagnosed, except I KNOW what I am getting into and I have a lot of OLD information in my head to get in the way. I also know all of the tricks and the gimmicks. Oh life. God really isn't that funny...but I suppose he knows what he is doing. Ironic? I don't think so...
5 days ago